A note to SELF

Is this it? Just existing amongst jealousy? Honestly- all it takes is a look around and it is instantaneously enough to be sickened... So many beautiful women that will be defined by the pessimistic masculine exterior, and it subverts my vision of beauty- and plunges me into the grotty dynamics of this insignificant world that does in fact turn without our self indulged necessities.
The world evaporates and is condensed into something that can only be pulled back together by one's mind... And since nobody is in tune I guess it is up to me... And if that is so, then what on earth do I have to work with?
The girl of my dreams is sleeping none but a few feet of me laying- sleeping- perhaps conscious to my touch? If so, then I am just weighing down the same half of the boat.
It feels good to drag my soul through hell at any given opportunity.
I will never be happy- as nobody can act accordingly- my ideal self is orderly, and so I will never be good enough, I submitted a thoughtless draft-niac.
There is absolutely nothing for an ego maniac.
Kill me- I am inviting anybody- to kill me. 
Just put me out of my misery.
I cannot live with this, expectations and reality will never align, and god will never send so much as a sign.
I whine at myself, but it is after all the dynamics of the world.
So maybe I should jump on this girl, as my ego convinces me it is the way she wants it...
... but in reality she is away with bunny rabbits and sheep, all of it, I can visualise her scream.
Please just kill this negative creep.
Happiness I am incapable of sprouting- me and positivity are on clashing teams.
I know the first guy in my shoes with this beautiful woman, will leave little to her hands- and with that he'll get exactly what he wants- fulfilled with mind stunts. If she just thinks of me then it will be just as good as when we were only a few feet apart, in life I guess that is true art.
Fuck the architect that designed us to fail.
Turn to paper.
And let it all trail, into some kind of brief tale.
Suicide is the only way out, just kill me already- I am ready- I really am.
She could have turned me inside out, and I'd have pro-active in my bones
Now I am left alone, a drone with no recollection of himself