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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: Chapter 9

Dead in space, Life suport off line, its going to get hot and sweaty. Can they fix Lilly?

Chapter 9 Turn Lilly on Marvin looked on in astonishment. No sane person would take cover in an asteroid field, and if the Whorea died, he wouldn’t get paid. He should have kept one prisoner and killed the rest, but he had been enjoying the hunt, killing them in turn till there was only one left. How was he supposed to know this one was suicidal. Whoreas were meant to be similar to...Read On

5

Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust: Chapter 8

lost in an asteroid field, in a damaged ship, what else can go wrong.

Chapter 8 Asto-Annoyed Scrotum was screaming and wheezing, he had dropped his inhaler and was trying to avoid hundreds of rocks. Lilly swung the ship to the left pitched it slightly and looped over a giant asteroid, but Scrotum was turning blue, “Help me,” he wheezed.  Sweet cheeks saw the inhaler and went to grab it as the ship lurched forward avoiding another collision. Sweet-Cheeks...Read On

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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust, chapter 7

looks like Scrotum is in trouble again.

Chapter 7 a simple repair done badly. Scrotum looked out of the window to the airlock. He knew there were many ways to die out there in the cold vacuum of space. He couldn’t understand why the engine was overheating. It was so cold out there someone would freeze to death within a minute, if not for the protective forcefields. Scrotum slipped on his magnetic boots, then his force field...Read On

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Captain Scrotum and the SS thrust chapter sex ... er six

Scrotum and Sweet-Cheeks are on there way, but a hunter is right on their tails.

Chapter sex, er, six. The Hunter General Knob limped out of the lower shuttle and storage area. He was looking for the owner of the station, intending to get information on this Captain Scrot and the woman on the Thrust. When Scrot had dropped him he had landed on his Simons, breaking his fall but braking Simons arm. Still, it had hurt, but not as mush as his balls hurt. That woman had kneed...Read On

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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust: chapter 5

Well Scrotum and Sweet-cheeks better get out of there soon

Reader discretion advised. The story you are about to read contains mature content that some may find offensive. By choosing to read this piece, you agree that you are 18 or older and do not object to content of a sexual nature. Chapter 5 Undignified Departure Scrotum had a look in the cargo bay. Fortunately, there was no one there. He wandered over to the naked, blue woman portrait...Read On

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Captian Scrotum and the SS thrust, chapter 4

poor Scrotum cant get a brake lol

Reader discretion advised. The story you are about to read contains mature content that some may find offensive. By choosing to read this piece, you agree that you are 18 or older and do not object to content of a sexual nature. Chapter4 A Massive Knob. General Knob sat in his hover pod. This was a waste of time. No one would be stupid enough to access the biorecognition for a dead...Read On

2

Nigerian internet riches are soon to be mine!

I tried to imagine the mind set of someone who would believe the scammers.

Hey Suzy, In the last two weeks I have received five amazing internet offers. Each was from an individual who desired to make me the recipient of a bodaciously huge sum of cash. Three of these offers were from various Nigerian bank employees. Men with larceny in their hearts who were looking for the same among folks in the good old USA. It starts with Dr. Ramadan Abdu, who is, or was...Read On

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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust chapter 3

Who is this armed, sexy woman, and what does she want with Scrotum & What is a Whorea

Reader discretion advised. The story you are about to read contains mature content that some may find offensive. By choosing to read this piece, you agree that you are 18 or older and do not object to content of a sexual nature. Chapter 3 Whorea’s and Whore’s “First, you can call me Sweet-Cheeks,” the beautiful woman started to explain. Scrotum stared at her longingly. It had been an...Read On

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Captain Scrotum And The SS Thrust chapter 2

Wow a Dead body, guards have been dispactched, and his uncle is out side... whats he going to do?

Chapter 2 Hide the body. “Lilly!" Scrotum shouted while panicking, “How long will it take the cleaning bot to clean this mess up?” “I’m sorry sexy ass. I am not programmed to move dead bodies.” Scrotum rushed over and picked up the dead woman,  “Now you clean and I will hide her.” Scrotum shouted to Lilly. “What every you desire hot stuff,” Lilly replied back. Scrotum staggered down...Read On

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Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust

Welcome to the world of the most usless space pirate that ever lived.

Captain Scrotum and the SS Thrust The year is 2462, and the earth is dead. What was left of its population spread through the heavens looking for a new home. Of course, once they left earth they found out they weren't alone in the universe. The rest of the sentient life forms had just been hiding from the destructive, backward human race. They had been manipulating images and shielding the...Read On

11

Zander....the continuing Saga!

She ducks when she sees a good sized bird flying straight at her head!

“ Zander.....the continuing Saga!” Well, it's been over a month since we adopted Zander, a very interesting month if I may say so.....and I do! So I'm thinking you need an update on his progress. During his second week, he grew more feathers on his wings and tail. His tail went from about one inch to two. In the following weeks, he took to flying around more and more, both inside and out....Read On

9

A Little Gift from Hades!

Ed said, “Better watch out, it'll probably bite you.”

Alexander aka Zander Week One It was the beginning of June, actually June 6th when he came into our life. I was in the office going over my email when Ed entered the house and announced, “There's a young Magpie just behind the house, must have just fallen out of the nest and the cats haven't found it yet.” I of course, had to have a look. With all our barn cats around, (eleven)...Read On

2

To Kill a Fruit Fly

An assassin bug gives a fruit fly the day of his life.

Just that morning, the assassin bug had thoughts about retiring. Not that he wasn’t doing great; he was at the top of his game. But he had this nagging feeling that he was beginning, just beginning, to lose his edge. And an assassin bug with no edge is in the wrong business. He hadn’t always worked the trade. Not too long ago he was flipping maggots in some greasy log, barely getting by....Read On

7

The Last Words of Bruno

Who knew Bruno had so much to say?

Bruno was on his deathbed. He’d lived a good long life, closing in on eighty-four years old. The Salerno family, from south Philly, gathered around: Mom, dad, son, and daughter. Mom could barely contain herself. She placed her hand on her loved ones’ brow, sobbing uncontrollably. Bruno turned his head towards her. He struggled to lift it up, inching closer, as if to tell her something,...Read On

2

Random Acts of Dialogue

Penny Lane

Random acts of dialogue. Dialogue in any book is great storytelling. Right after the hook to reel the reader in, dialogue is the mover and shaker of any novel. Dickens might have argued that narration and flowery descriptions were the backbone. However, I beg to differ with him. I thought of this scene where two former lovers meet again after 30 years. Setting: a seedy bar in the...Read On

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Recommended Read

Painting the Living Room

Why I can't paint the living room because I'm out of two-stroke oil.

Lists. We all make them. Line items of things that need done, have to do's, want lists, tasks, chores, things to buy. Some people make lists on a scrap paper. I make mental lists. Contained within those lists are sub-lists and sub-sequential lists and line items. Each in a precise order of priority and importance. Like, if my wife wants me to paint the living room. Simple enough task. ...Read On

4

Gus -a dogs eye view of the world

what one dog sees

Gus’s Life ---A dog's eye view of his world. Intro Okay here are the bare facts. The ugly truth; I am a dog! I guess it could have been worse; I could have been born a cat. Now there’s a bad attitude and a waste of fur if ever I saw one. With dogs, you always know where you stand. Cats have a hidden agenda. Always appear like they couldn’t care less. Let me tell you this...Read On

4

Shooting Blanks

The worst day of any man's life: the day of his vasectomy.

Shooting Blanks By Ray Bentley I started to really doubt myself that morning when I went about the task of shaving. No, I’m not talking about your normal morning shave. The pre-surgery instruction specifically stated the patient was required to shave the “pubis and scrotum.” Say What? I stood straight, naked in front of the full-length bathroom mirror and took a deep breath. This was...Read On

12

MEN!

What goes on outside your patio windows for all the nieghbors to see.....

Ah, Sunday morning. I had already started my weekend ritual by retrieving the Sunday paper from the front porch and retiring to the screened in patio with a cup of coffee. Sitting down, I flipped through the bundle of papers to find the Sunday morning comics. I always enjoy this quiet morning repast before I started my weekend chores. That's when I heard it. A terrible row or ruckus going in...Read On

10

The Ghost of Christmas Sideways

Can one find self-awareness in a dirty bathroom? (Some adult themes and language.)

The apparition was angry. “Stop saying that! I am not the Ghost of Christmases Past! I am the Ghost of Christmas Sideways! I show you how past Christmases and the rest of your life might have been different…if only you had been standing ten feet to the left!” “All I said was that you’re kind of like the Ghost of Christmases Past with a bit of a twist. What’s so bad about that? What’s the...Read On

0

She Who is About to...

Two high school girls feuding over a boyfriend, receive help from a vengeance demon.

Early on Saturday Afternoon, 16 year old Laura Morton sat in a booth inside the Zabelton Diner. She sat across the table from Karolina, who had light brown hair and looked like she was Laura's age. The black haired Laura was fuming. "Best friend?" She said, "Hah! I go off to Paris for a few weeks this Summer thinking everything is cool back home. Yeah--right. My best friend Francine Evans,...Read On

8

Willie and the Brain

Etta was poor, cute, and a 'brain'. Willie was rich, dumb and didn’t have a chance.

"If only the good die young, that crew will live to a hundred.” This unflattering rumination came from one, William Jackson “Willie” Sinclair IV. The target of his jaundiced assessment was the Iota Fraternity test procurement committee. Its entire membership was currently passed out in a back room of the Iota house amid a sea of card, chips, and empty beer cans. What prompted Willie’s...Read On

4

A God's Narration

I'm a god, I'm nuts, y'all're crazy!

Behind the door is another door and behind that door is a demon, but you already knew that. Behind the demon, there’s nothing. The demon is you, didn’t you know? You should do. Something tells me you’re not as self-aware as you think you are. Me? Oh, I don’t need to be self-aware, especially when I’m aware of you. That’s my curse, you see. Also my gift, if you want to look at it that...Read On

The Humble Cucumber

What is so special about cucumbers?

Can anybody tell me just what is so special about cucumber sandwiches? You know those dainty, crustless smelly little things you sometimes get at parties? I loathe cucumbers. I loathe brussel sprouts more though but that's another story I will write sometime. WHO decided they should be served at a party? Probably someone in the 1800's having a garden party. Didn't have anything else in...Read On

1

Thrice Mice

Some twenty plus years ago, I was standing on the tee ready to hit at a charity golf tournament when a commotion behind me caught my attention. A small feral kitten, probably less than a couple of weeks old had run out of the bushes and been run over by a golf cart. After the obligatory "Oh gosh" comments, they picked it up and tossed it back into the bushes. I could see it crawling...Read On

2

Keeping Her Safe- Catching Tara singing

“Nicole, is this yours?” Tara asked the next morning when she walked in holding a letter. “It has your name on it. Who is it from?” she asked as I took it. Dear Nicole, It’s hard to explain how you got these letters since I don’t have your address but the time will come when you will find out how they came to you. I know what you have been through. No one your age or any age should have...Read On

2

Agent 727 where are you?

A 007/Get Smart spoof with a side order of hamburger.

WC: 2812 This is a spoof on every type of nutty 'agent' show you can think of. If you are offended by 'fat' jokes you will be offended by this story as well. Agent 727 Where are you? By MF Burbaugh “Agent 727, come in please. I know you can hear me damn it! Answer me!” I could hear her disgust again. I gave the girl I was with a kiss as I rolled off. “Sorry love, duty calls.”...Read On

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Recommended Read

The Ombudsant

An ant queen has been kidnapped, and the butler didn’t do it.

The unsung hero of every ant colony is the butler. A butler in an ant colony? What does she do, you may ask, serve drinks? No, or at least that’s not what I do. Not that it stops wisecracking ants from yelling, “Hey, butler, fetch us a drink!” They think they’re so funny. If they even bothered to watch Masterpiece Theatre, they’d know a butler does a lot more than tend bar. Find a...Read On

9

The Christmas Visit

A man’s future self visits him on Christmas Eve and gives him a precious gift.

“You cannot be me from the future!” I shouted. “That is just not possible! Besides… you’re old and ugly!” “Deal with it!” the old man replied. “I am future you! And I can prove it.” “How?” “By telling you things that only you could know,” he said. I took another hit of gin from my hip flask and stared at the seventy-something guy standing in front of me. If this was me forty years...Read On

2

The Island of Hazardous Toys

The real story of the Island of Misfit Toys.

You want to know the real truth about the Island of Misfit Toys? You know the place – the one featuring cowboys riding ostriches, squirt guns that shoot preserves (raspberry or boysenberry I believe), and wooden trains, in particular, a caboose with square wheels -- those toys. The conventional wisdom was these oddities were deported from the grips of children simply because of a few snafus...Read On