magnificent1rascal

Bernard, a Very Brave Bear

Helping someone even when you're scared is the bravest act of all

Max was excited. Bubbie was coming over, and Mommy said she was bringing a surprise for him! He could barely wait to find out what it might be. He thought hard. Maybe it would be a toy truck or a new ball — or maybe even some Legos. Whatever it was, Max knew it would be great, because Bubbie always picked the best presents. After what seemed like hours and hours, Max finally heard...Read On

Added: 19 Dec 2012 | Category: Childrens | Avg Score: 4.39 | Views: 3,348 | Words: 1,204 | Tags: grandson  grandmother  teddy bear  facing fears  max  bubbie  bernard   | 14 Comments

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The End

Tragedy can either draw people together, or push them apart...

~ The End ~ Becky Patterson sat in the dimly lit room, her head bowed slightly, staring blankly into space. She neither knew nor cared how long she’d been there. Finally she heard a light rap on the door, which opened before she could respond. “Excuse me, Ms. Patterson? Everything appears to be in order, and we need to — time is of the essence —” “Of course,” she said in a...Read On

Added: 12 Mar 2012 | Category: Drama | Avg Score: 4.96 | Views: 1,623 | Words: 5,467 | Tags: mother  death  siblings   | 7 Comments

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On Her Own

It is 'new student' orientation, after all, not 'new student and chaperone'...

"This tour guide doesn't know what he's talking about. You don't need to go all the way to the student union for lunch — the coffee shop at the library is better, faster and cheaper than the cafeteria. The selection isn't quite as wide, but..." "Listen, I appreciate your insight, but you really don't need to be here. It is 'new student' orientation, after all, not 'new student and chaperone.'"...Read On

Added: 16 Sep 2016 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 497 | Words: 139 | Tags: mother  daughter  college  orientation  humor   | 6 Comments

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Divine Justice

Inspired by actual events

It had been easy. Ridiculously easy, really. A couple of phone calls to make the arrangements, a few trips to the bank to withdraw the agreed-upon payment in small amounts, and his biggest problem disappeared — his wife kidnapped by a trio of small-time thugs and murdered, her body never recovered. Joseph allowed himself a slight smile while the mourners bowed their heads in prayer during...Read On

Added: 13 Feb 2016 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.8 | Views: 838 | Words: 261 | Tags: kidnap  murder  plot  easy   | 7 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Fade to Black

The winter solstice would be a long night indeed for these wise guys

  Connor Mulrooney sauntered into the members-only back room of the North Philly Irish Pub with his usual swagger, grabbed a Guinness and settled into a seat that may as well have held a Reserved sign. His chair, the one he always occupied during their weekly gatherings, notably sat right next to Billy’s — not that Connor or anyone else expected the boss to show up. He rarely did anymore,...Read On

Added: 28 Jan 2016 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,236 | Words: 999 | Tags: solstice  longest night  new season  wise guys  setup  tv show   | 18 Comments

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Red Vines and Tortellini

"No candy." She glares at me, her nostrils flaring with every breath, fists clenched so tightly she’ll have fingernail marks on her palms. I'm watching an impending meltdown. Its cause? Red licorice twists, and my refusal to count them as a dinner component. "RedVines and tortellini" — her impromptu addition to our grocery list — amuses me, but the rules have to be enforced regardless....Read On

Added: 23 Feb 2016 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 577 | Words: 169 | Tags: dad  daughter  autism  argument   | 6 Comments

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Every Little Thing

She couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she'd forgotten something. But what?

Cheryl rifled through her purse yet again, racking her brain to figure out what she had forgotten. Cell phone, check. Wallet, check. Keys, check. (Duh. She couldn’t have driven to work without those, now could she?) Gym card, check. She opened the wallet and confirmed (well, reconfirmed — no, actually, re-reconfirmed) that her driver’s license, cash and credit cards were all present. With...Read On

Added: 10 Jul 2015 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 960 | Words: 344 | Tags: forgotten  scatterbrained   | 9 Comments

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Straight or Left

*Winner of a weekly flash fiction contest on Indies Unlimited*

Which direction should she go? Tanya had to make a decision. And she had to do it quickly. Taking a deep breath and pursing her lips, Tanya depressed the accelerator. Straight it would be. Straight away from her lifetime home. Straight into the unknown. Straight onto the longest bridge in the world—ironic for someone panicky about crossing bridges, but that was how desperate her...Read On

Added: 10 Apr 2015 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,324 | Words: 287 | Tags: indies unlimited  250 words  horror  lake pontchartrain  dark magic   | 11 Comments

magnificent1rascal

The Virtue of Patience

Oh come on! It’s a school zone when the lights are flashing or children are present, like the sign RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU says. No lights, no kids—you don’t have to go twenty miles an hour NOW, you idiot. Okay, we’re past the school zone...that means you can speed up. Damn it, don’t tell me you’re going to creep along all the way to the roundabout a quarter of a mile away. Why yes, yes you...Read On

Added: 14 Mar 2015 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.86 | Views: 1,026 | Words: 334 | Tags: patience  traffic  humor  irony   | 7 Comments

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The Spelling Bee

Fun With English, Opus 1

Some words that don't exist, really ought to.   "The word is 'peppier,' pronounced 'pep-ee-ay'," announced the spelling bee moderator. "Definition, please," replied the entrant, launching by rote into the set of questions she had been taught to ask. "One who grinds spice onto a diner's food at a restaurant." "What is the origin?" "'Peppier' is faux French." "Faux French?" ...Read On

Added: 11 Nov 2012 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.95 | Views: 1,422 | Words: 175 | Tags: humor  whimsy  wordplay   | 9 Comments

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A Word Geek Visits the Doctor

Fun With English, Opus 3

It's a dire diagnosis for our intrepid heroine... "We don't see you in here often, Maggie. What seems to be the trouble today?" "Well, doctor, its this darn apostrophe, thats how it started but things has got alot worse in the past couple days. I should of came in sooner. I know." "What exactly do you mean, 'this darn apostrophe'? I don't see any apostrophe." "Precisely my point!...Read On

Added: 12 Feb 2013 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.83 | Views: 1,234 | Words: 577 | Tags: grammar  whimsy  humor  wordplay   | 14 Comments

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Lord Bodrum and the Dagger

Not just the opening to the worst novel imaginable, but also a bad sentence in its own right.

As Lord Bodrum drew his dying breath, he reflected on it all: on his miraculous beginnings and privileged childhood, on his undeserved fall from grace in the court jester scandal and subsequent rise to the throne of a vast kingdom upon proving his innocence, and, naturally, on the five-inch dagger with its hilt barely discernible in his waning peripheral vision, as well as the circumstances...Read On

Added: 30 Jun 2015 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 754 | Words: 199 | Tags: bulwer-lytton  parody  humor  intentionally bad   | 8 Comments

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My Almost Intimate Massage

A fictional blog entry...

« Did the Waitress Just Wink at Me? Today, dear readers, the exploration of my sexual identity continues. As you loyal bloggies — if people who write blogs are bloggers, those who read them must be bloggies, right? — are aware, it's a topic that has been on my mind lately, basically ever since I cast off my third boyfriend in six months. (For the record, the orgasm ratio in those...Read On

Added: 17 Oct 2012 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.11 | Views: 2,576 | Words: 800 | Tags: humor  massage  blog  sexual identity   | 5 Comments

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Trumpin' Mac's Stash...

It'll pass, pass, pass...

  « Oh My! The Phenom of Facebook, George Takei This blogging business has made me a lot more aware of certain things, such as the fact that the music industry is, collectively, a big schoolyard bully, blustering about and threatening us with swirlies in order to extort the lunch money of lowly writers by way of its absurd "Mother May I?" approach to quoting even a few words of lyrics. ...Read On

Added: 09 Aug 2013 | Category: Flash Fiction | Avg Score: 4.94 | Views: 828 | Words: 536 | Tags: humor  satire  big music bullies   | 10 Comments

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The Crèche

What had become of a treasured family keepsake?

Becky Patterson arrived at the coffee shop short of breath after hurrying from the only parking spot she'd been able to find, five blocks away. Her hair disheveled and face rosy from the brisk walk, she slid into a seat opposite her sister and gratefully accepted the mug of steaming liquid pushed toward her. "Sorry I'm late. I thought I'd allowed enough time to get here, but I wasn't counting...Read On

Added: 18 Jul 2012 | Category: General | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 2,372 | Words: 2,943 | Tags: siblings  mother  renewal  christmas   | 6 Comments

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17 Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

Not feeling the love for National Novel Writing Month? Here are some other options...

1. NaNO!WriMo: Do not write anything — not a single word — for 30 days. The challenge is tougher than it might seem. 2. NaDoWriMo: Chronicle every episode of The Simpsons in which Homer exclaims, "D'oh!" This, of course, requires watching every episode of The Simpsons. Not a bad way to spend the month. 3. NaSloWriMo: Writing shouldn't be a race. Take it slowly, savoring the...Read On

Added: 05 Nov 2016 | Category: Humor | Avg Score: 4.73 | Views: 429 | Words: 502 | Tags: humor  nanowrimo  options  procrastination  bro  rhinoceros  2minutesgo   | 8 Comments

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The Secret Life of Bellingham Sam

Meet Sam, a fellow with an active imagination, a lust for life and a real knack for storytelling...

This story contains mature themes * * * Sam was startled — and annoyed — by the blaring of a car horn while he sat parked along with a thousand other drivers on Interstate 5. What exactly did the genius expect to accomplish by honking here when the logjam was well out of sight, probably several miles ahead? He shook his head. Not a local, that’s for sure, he reflected...Read On

Added: 01 Nov 2012 | Category: Humor | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,391 | Words: 2,645 | Tags: humor  satire  sexual fantasy  sam  peggy   | 6 Comments

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The Fantastic Voyage of Bellingham Sam

Viewed through rose-colored glasses, it turned into the perfect family vacation...

Coffee. What Sam needed was coffee. He was a walking zombie, desperate for caffeine. It was a condition of his own making, he had to admit, since he was the one who'd wanted to drive on their family vacation instead of flying. And so they had spent more than 40 percent of their holiday — two days down and two days back — stuffed into a Hyundai Sonata, a car which seemed roomy enough during...Read On

Added: 13 Sep 2012 | Category: Humor | Avg Score: 4.93 | Views: 2,489 | Words: 2,403 | Tags: humor  satire  fantasy  vegas  family time  sam  peggy   | 16 Comments

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The Hinge (Rhymes With Thing)

Fun With English, Opus 2

Some words that we believe exist, really don't. Our family dinner that Sunday held a certain amount of importance. It would be the first time in ages that we'd all be together at a time besides a major holiday — and the first time my two older sisters would meet my boyfriend, who by then was already an unofficial fiancé. Their opinion wasn't a deal breaker by any means, but I hoped...Read On

Added: 17 Nov 2012 | Category: Memoirs | Avg Score: 4.68 | Views: 950 | Words: 826 | Tags: humor  whimsy  wordplay  family   | 8 Comments

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This. Changes. Everything.

This. Changes. Nothing. Seriously, it doesn't.

  This man decided to make a sandwich, but you WON'T BELIEVE what happened next. My jaw dropped! How is this even possible? An AMAZING life hack you NEED to see! You've been doing it wrong your whole life. This. Changes. EVERYTHING. -  - For the full story, CLICK HERE -  -  -  -  -  -  Uh, I put the jam on first when I'm making a PB and J.  -  Related Content: • What this...Read On

Added: 02 May 2015 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 966 | Words: 113 | Tags: humor  satire  parody  social media  facebook  clickbait   | 8 Comments

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The Woman With Nine Lives

Resilient and resolute, she snubbed death time and again.

  The first time she might have died came at age 17, when a saddle horse reared and threw her, breaking her back. Over the years, she survived many more life-threatening events, each worse than the last: Guillain-Barré syndrome and its accompanying complete if temporary paralysis, pneumonia, spinal stenosis requiring two surgeries, an aneurysm (two more operations, and yes, they were...Read On

Added: 13 Sep 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 861 | Words: 111 | Tags: 99 words   | 5 Comments

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The Assignment

It was the most difficult challenge she'd ever faced...

“He would never forget those hands.” Frowning, Karen crossed out the sentence — too ambiguous. She shifted nervously in the waiting room chair, trying to concentrate on her creative writing assignment to “craft a complete, unequivocal story using six words.” “Screw you and your impossible assignment.” Probably wouldn’t fly. Eventually, just one line remained: “Relief came, then...Read On

Added: 01 Jun 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 4.5 | Views: 1,024 | Words: 113 | Tags: 99 words  assignment  benign   | 10 Comments

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The Wait

The instructions said to wait, so she waited. It was something she did quite well; Lord knows she'd had plenty of practice. Sometimes it seemed she did little else besides wait. Just a few more minutes now. But how many minutes, hours, days, years of her life had she wasted waiting, hoping, praying — all for naught? Enough! Today it would stop. Today she would move forward, no matter...Read On

Added: 05 Apr 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 875 | Words: 113 | Tags: 99 words  waiting  hoping  praying  pregnancy test   | 11 Comments

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It's Over

"Honey, I'm ho-ome," Matt warbled as he entered the kitchen and tossed his keys into a bowl on the table. Loosening his tie, he made for the bedroom, where he expected to find his wife changing from her work clothes. Instead he met her in the dining room, glaring at him from behind a laptop computer through eyes red from crying. She knew. To deny or rationalize the affair would insult...Read On

Added: 18 Nov 2012 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 4.93 | Views: 1,004 | Words: 111 | Tags: 99 words  affair  keys  home   | 13 Comments

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No Big Deal

It was only online, after all...

“I’m sorry.” “That’s it, you’re sorry?” “What more do you want from me? Yes, I screwed up, and I apologized. Can we please just go to bed?” “You screwed up all right.” “Oh, c’mon, are you going to blow this all out of proportion? I told you, nothing happened. We exchanged a few e-mails, big deal.” “E-mails containing naked pictures, so yeah, I’d say it is a big deal.” “But they...Read On

Added: 20 May 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 4.9 | Views: 847 | Words: 111 | Tags: 99 words  apology  email   | 15 Comments

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Breathless

Decisions, decisions...

Okay, so we’re supposed to write this ninety-nine word story and — well, it doesn’t hafta be exactly ninety-nine words, it can be less — but anyway, I don’t know what to write about and it’s due tomorrow, so I’m thinking maybe I could tell about the time Grandma took me to tea at a fancy hotel and they served strawberries and cream mixed with maple syrup, but I don’t know if I can describe...Read On

Added: 19 May 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 906 | Words: 115 | Tags: 99 words  strawberries  opulent   | 8 Comments

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A Little Drab'll Do Ya

Just having some fun with the drabble competition prompts...

  She woke up ecstatic at the thought of the joyful preparations ahead. She really loved the holidays. Then she caught sight of a printout her husband had left on the table. The Christmas present ticked her off mightily. "You got what for my mother?” "It's not what it looks like," he said. “Good, ’cause it looks like a ticket to Timbuktu!” “That’s where I’d like to send her,” he...Read On

Added: 21 Jan 2015 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 4.92 | Views: 698 | Words: 113 | Tags: humor  whimsy  drabble  prompts   | 8 Comments

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All [Bleeped] Up

Thanks to Steffanie, Gypsy and others who provided critique on this piece.

“That won’t fly.” “What won’t?” she asked. “From the third line on,” he replied, reading over her shoulder as she typed. “A story full of obscenities won’t ever win a writing contest.” Exasperated, she considered how to sanitize her micro-fiction entry, a gritty drama rife with blue language. Then inspiration struck, and she believed her ingenious editing would yield a surefire winner. ...Read On

Added: 24 May 2013 | Category: Micro Fiction | Avg Score: 4.92 | Views: 1,238 | Words: 113 | Tags: 99 words  bleep  bleeped  bleeping   | 15 Comments

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MORE Alternatives to NaNoWriMo: Super Procrastinator Edition

6 suggestions for the final stretch of National Novel Writing Month (or early ideas for next year)

  1. NaIgnoNaNoWriMo: Just ignore all the NaNoWriMo hoopla and hype. Pretend you didn’t read this or anything else about the writing frenzy that occurs every November. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s almost impossible to ignore NaNoWriMo anymore. But you can say you did. I promise not to tell anyone otherwise. 2. NaNanoWriMo: In the short time remaining, craft some kick-ass nano fiction....Read On

Added: 30 Nov 2017 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 285 | Words: 314 | Tags: humor  nanowrimo  options  nano fiction  y'know  whoa   | 2 Comments

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It's Gonna Be Great

A backward poem for backward times

Added: 15 Feb 2017 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 498 | Words: 67 | Tags: poetry  poem  reverse verse  politics  america   | 15 Comments

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There Was a Crooked Man

Source citations follow the text

There was a crooked man Who ran a crooked race [1] And with his crooked words, Put opponents in their place He chopped them down, one by one ’Til a single foe remained On merit, she’d win handily, So he painted her with disdain [2] This shameless huckster’s style Is totally ‘in your face’ At any time in memory, It would have brought him great disgrace But that isn’t how it happened, Not...Read On

Added: 16 Jan 2017 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 495 | Words: 765 | Tags: poetry  crook  crooked trump  crooked donald  trump lies   | 8 Comments

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Nasty Woman and the Bad Hombres Present: (He Does Not Like) The Old Blond Bitch

Did I mention this is satire?

Excuse me, sir; I hate to intrude But you're out in public and your shirt's rather rude Although fairly mild, as far as some go, The sentiment still dips pretty low I mean, 'Life's a bitch - don't elect one.' Why does she deserve that, what has she done? Oh, I cannot stand her, lots of reasons why For one, get in her way, and you're gonna die She's had people murdered time and again You...Read On

Added: 26 Oct 2016 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 504 | Words: 557 | Tags: satire  humor  election  buffoon   | 7 Comments

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Trump School of Dance

The Narcissist Hustle: It's actually the only step he knows

Today at the Trump School of Dance we’re going to teach you Mr. Trump’s personal favorite move, The Narcissist Hustle. If you promise not to tell him I told you this, it’s actually the only step he knows—but he performs it expertly, better than anyone alive, in fact. Follow these steps precisely, and before long you’ll be doing it like a pro, too. 1. Rationalize: Dismiss and make...Read On

Added: 10 Oct 2016 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 419 | Words: 261 | Tags: humor  election  trump  narcissist  hustle  locker room banter   | 6 Comments

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(I Do Not Like) The Orange Man

A humorous take on the U.S. presidential race, told in the style of Dr. Seuss

Pardon me, miss, have you time for a poll? No, not today. I'm out for a stroll. That's okay, ma'am, while you stroll I can poll! All right, I suppose, if you poll while I stroll... Do you plan to vote in the presidential race? Oh, yes! Not voting is a terrible disgrace! Tell me a bit as to how you'll choose— If you could, please share your views! Well— I do not like the...Read On

Added: 29 Sep 2016 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 962 | Words: 415 | Tags: humor  election  rhyming  seuss   | 20 Comments

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A Strange Place

It's a whole different world out there.

Social media. It’s a strange place. A place where an apology can result in being blocked by a so-called friend. Where mention of something proposed an ocean away can trigger an overreaction so extreme that a guy who always seemed nice and normal now comes across as a complete nutcase. Where folks who get together in person for coffee every week can have such a heated disagreement that they...Read On

Added: 12 Jun 2015 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 4.53 | Views: 891 | Words: 115 | Tags: social media  strange  wonderful  scary  sad   | 5 Comments

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Perfectly Imperfect

Things don't necessarily need to be flawless to be perfect.

Even though I don’t consider myself to be a perfectionist, I’ve learned that others hold a different view. My daughter has admonished me for it, my mother has teased me about it, and when the instructor of my clay class said there’s one in every group, all eyes turned toward me. Two things should be pointed out from the start: 1. This tendency, which I will grudgingly admit may (does)...Read On

Added: 20 Apr 2013 | Category: Musings | Avg Score: 4.95 | Views: 897 | Words: 649 | Tags: perfectionism  letting go  clay  alliteration   | 13 Comments

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Gracie's Collection

Fun With English, Opus 4

When two young, moderately successful vaudeville performers teamed up for a comedy act in 1923, it didn’t take long to realize that they had found the right fit — both personally and professionally — and that their future success would be far beyond moderate. Together, George Burns and Gracie Allen, who married in 1926, formed one of the most popular and enduring comic duos in...Read On

Added: 10 Feb 2015 | Category: Plays | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,300 | Words: 692 | Tags: burns and allen  homage  whimsy  humor  wordplay   | 9 Comments

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Colorado Calls, Jersey Rejoices

Every story has two sides...

Note: This compilation occurred to me more than a year ago. In fact, the reason I logged on to Facebook on March 14, 2017, was to reach out to Alan and propose that we combine our efforts, merging his Colorado Calling and my Jersey Rejoicing into one poem. Instead, I learned that morning of Alan's passing a few days earlier. It threw me for a loop, and the idea got pushed to the back of...Read On

Added: 17 Mar 2018 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 159 | Words: 751 | Tags: colorado  jersey  dirtymartini  maggierascal  weed  stoner  whatever   | 5 Comments

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For a Friend I'll Never Meet

Alan W. Jankowski, 1961-2017

You always did like surprise endings, A twist no one could see coming, And that last one of yours was a doozy. Days later, we're still reeling, Not from the shock, which dissipates, But from a grief that lingers. You probably never knew The regard people held you in, For it seemed to sneak up As we chatted and laughed About topics big and small. Our esteem grew Alongside your virtual...Read On

Added: 17 Mar 2017 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 4.95 | Views: 574 | Words: 202 | Tags: dirtymartini  friend  grief  whatever   | 11 Comments

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Tell Me, Please

Thanks to Dreamcatcher, whose comment in the Poetry Challenge forum thread inspired this

Added: 20 Sep 2016 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 425 | Words: 91 | Tags: questions   | 6 Comments

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Better Than You

It's inevitable, it seems, to encounter someone like this along life's journey...

Hello, I'm new here. I am better than you. I'm smarter and kindlier — Cleverer too! You're stupid - you're snooty - You're unworthy of my precious time. As for me, it's plain to see: I'm magnificent and sublime! While I am Secretariat, Or perhaps Seattle Slew, The rest of you, a sorry lot, Are destined to become glue. This may seem rather blunt, But that's just how I am. If...Read On

Added: 10 Jul 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 2,361 | Words: 292 | Tags: humor  satire  whimsy   | 21 Comments

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Fragmented

An ode to English grammar

Fragmented That title — what on Earth could it mean? Has another heart been torn asunder? No, it refers to phrases trimmed too lean, Sentences lacking substance and thunder. Fragments, as they are commonly known; Lines missing at least one vital part. Though unable to stand on their own, They oft appear in literary art. These snippets bear just part of the blame — What a minefield...Read On

Added: 05 Apr 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,528 | Words: 142 | Tags: grammar  advice  whimsy   | 6 Comments

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Fragmented, Too

Alone, empty. Apart, void. Separately, fragmented. Individually, nothing. Not thinking, not feeling, not caring, just...existing. Existing, yes, but in the basest sense — not truly being. Together, we are no longer empty, void, fragmented. We are replete. We are meaningful. We are whole. Together, we are everything. Together, we are. ...Read On

Added: 29 Nov 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,150 | Words: 50 | Tags: separation  reunion  sensuous   | 3 Comments

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The Pants on the Floor

Truth is funnier than fiction

When the wife returned home, she knew not what was in store — Not one, or two, or three — no! — FOUR pants on the floor! She wondered what had caused an action so rash, Four trousers crumpled like yesterday's trash. Pair No. 1 was just slightly off-hue. Black slacks had been ordered; navy blue would not do. The next pair examined was too worn for display; A slightly frayed hem had...Read On

Added: 12 Oct 2010 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 2,514 | Words: 183 | Tags: humor  marriage  clotheshorse   | 28 Comments

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The Shirts Out the Door

First she found the pants on the floor, then the wife dared look in the closet...

The wife surveyed the closet and let out a sigh. How many knit shirts could one man possibly need? Ten? Twenty? More, perchance...but eighty-four? Indeed! With a roll of her eyes, she said, “Why, my dear, why?” Perhaps she’d miscounted, or made some such error. She'd count again, careful not to be distracted; If the tally stood, a freeze must be enacted. Eighty-four to one,...Read On

Added: 01 Nov 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 4.98 | Views: 1,091 | Words: 277 | Tags: humor  marriage  clotheshorse  enclosed rhyme   | 8 Comments

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The Shirts Out the Door Redux

Same verses, different order...

The wife surveyed the closet and let out a sigh. With a roll of her eyes, she said, “Why, my dear, why?” How many knit shirts could one man possibly need? Ten? Twenty? More, perchance...but eighty-four? Indeed! Perhaps she’d miscounted, or made some such error. Eighty-four to one, shirts shouldn’t outnumber wearer! She'd count again, careful not to be distracted; If the...Read On

Added: 03 Nov 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,079 | Words: 267 | Tags: humor  marriage  clotheshorse  alexandrine couplet   | 5 Comments

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The Man Goes Shopping — But Not at the Store

For my favorite clotheshorse...

The man called out — there was something to see! Swiftly the wife pondered what it might be. His voice held not a hint of undue stress. Indeed, was that a tone of happiness? Following the sound she'd find no dire plight, As into her view came a comical sight. "Like my new look?" he asked, preening and proud. She stifled a laugh: "For crying out loud!" Clothes loose as those of...Read On

Added: 23 Jun 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 4.96 | Views: 1,058 | Words: 260 | Tags: humor  marriage  clotheshorse   | 8 Comments

magnificent1rascal

For a Friend I've Never Met

Oh, I don’t know just where to begin — “Where it feels right,” you’d likely advise. I smile; though merely a thought from within, It is your voice, familiar and wise. I have learned so much from you, my friend, Some of it serious, some of it silly. You’ve shown me when to stand firm, when it’s better to bend, Or more prudent yet to ponder a water lily. Yes, you make me...Read On

Added: 05 Mar 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 3,086 | Words: 202 | Tags: friendship  gratitude   | 3 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Better...Because of You

May everyone have someone who is an inspiration, be that person for someone else, or both.

Because of you, in so many ways —  I am stronger... I am better. No longer am I weak and tethered;  Your acquaintance released my fetter. ~ Your quick wit makes me laugh; ...I am happier. Your unfailing support bolsters me; ...I am more confident. Your gentle advice nudges me; ...I am more productive. Your unerring perception enlightens me; ...I am healthier. ...Read On

Added: 20 Apr 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 4.93 | Views: 1,761 | Words: 101 | Tags: friendship  gratitude  confidence  happiness   | 8 Comments

magnificent1rascal

The Unexpected Poet — Taken by Surprise

With thanks to TT, Nicola and Mme Moth

Poetry and I never could get along, I grappled with the rules, and the gist of the stanza. Frozen with fear I might do it all wrong, Over poetry writing, I chose reruns of Bonanza. Part of the problem was this business with rhyming— It had to be perfect and, of course, also make sense, Keeping in mind meter, scansion and timing. And on top of all that was — or is — the matter...Read On

Added: 24 Jan 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,622 | Words: 132 | Tags: humor  poetry phobia  sonnet  shakespearean  rhyme scheme  bonanza   | 10 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Stuck in Rhyme

A limerick with a twist

Oh dear, what a turn of bad luck— In rhyme, my thought process is stuck! It's my fate to find pleasure In syntax with measure, 'Til I pull myself out of this...messy situation. (Whew! I'm so relieved,...Read On

Added: 27 Jan 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,550 | Words: 39 | Tags: humor  luck  limerick   | 7 Comments

magnificent1rascal

A Writer's Lament

What's a gal to do when her muse disappears?

My muse has gone missing! She just up and left. Abandoned, alone... I'm confused and bereft. I've looked high and low, But she's not to be found. Dagnabit! Why, oh why, did she Have to go underground? The world slows to a crawl When my muse isn't here. Plainly, she is the one Who shifts me out of low gear. Without her, 'tis true I'm at a sad loss. For in...Read On

Added: 29 Jul 2014 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 720 | Words: 278 | Tags: muse  humor  whimsy  ducks  verklempt   | 14 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Toujours Raison

A trio of limericks about a dilemma few of us — certainly not I, for instance — will ever face.

Un 'Tis a challenge to always be right, To gently correct when with words one could smite. To remain patiently kind When dealing with those of small mind. Yet not be dragged down by the blight.   Deux What does it take to always be right? Hands down each time, to win every fight? Steadfastly claiming to be superior, A guardian of truth, not a pain in the posterior — ...Read On

Added: 08 Jul 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,187 | Words: 107 | Tags: humor  satire  whimsy   | 6 Comments

magnificent1rascal

The Squall

Storms, in the form of know-it-all boors, damage online communities, too…

It came out of the blue, a slight breeze at first — Surely nothing to cause any worry. Then thunder rolled; it was such a cloudburst! Menacing, and not in a great hurry. Long craved, perhaps: Absolute dominion! A purlieu over which to run roughshod. But 'truth' unmasked as haughty opinion, The Squall revealed a brusque, humorless clod. Despite claims to be caring and witty,...Read On

Added: 19 Jul 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,096 | Words: 126 | Tags: satire  truth  maelstrom   | 4 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Again and Again: The Endless Loop

Another of the people you meet along the way in life. This one is an eager sort...

Hey, listen up! Here’s a fantastic notion! You ought to hurry and put it in motion. What’s that, you don’t like it? In fact you disagree? I'll just keep repeating, ’til you concur with me. Unfazed by your refusals, I'll push again and again. My idea might grow on you by time number ten. Your methods may be fine, but mine are even better. Now to convince you, shall I put it in...Read On

Added: 23 Sep 2011 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,104 | Words: 199 | Tags: humor  satire  whimsy   | 5 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Uncool, Uncouth, Uncaring

Some people are unbelievably uncivil

Treated with politeness, you respond with sheer disdain, Spewing forth drivel, sanctimonious and inane. Rude, demanding, belligerent and sassy — Ungrateful, unkind, decidedly unclassy. Your actions are summed up by words that start with 'un' — Uninspired, unmannered, Uncalled-for, unprogressive — Unwise, unashamed, Unpropitious, unsuccessive — Unfaithful, unintelligent,...Read On

Added: 05 Feb 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,147 | Words: 71 | Tags: satire  whimsy  un-   | 6 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Surrender

Please read the tags – they are necessary to the greatest understanding and enjoyment of this piece.

Collected 'poems' about one of life's basic needs... Inkling I sort of need to pee Urgency The urge is growing increasingly... urgent Realization No restroom is within walking distance! Desperation I can barely hold it now Relief A warm contentment washes over me Regret I wish I'd found a bathroom...Read On

Added: 05 Jan 2013 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 4.93 | Views: 711 | Words: 50 | Tags: poetry  parody  humor  intentionally bad   | 10 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Jersey Rejoicing

Don't let smoke get in your eyes...

This humorous riposte to "Colorado Calling" by Alan Jankowski (Dirty Martini) not only employs the same rhyme scheme, but in fact rhymes perfectly with the original while telling the opposite point of view. At last he's gone, hip hip hooray! Let him go mooch off the cannabis cadre. No doubt he'll return before too long— (Given the bum's rush, the urge will be strong.) For too many years...Read On

Added: 13 Jan 2014 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 3.94 | Views: 3,498 | Words: 350 | Tags: humor  satire  lazy  stoner  mooch  bum  freeloader   | 12 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Hormonal Ambivalence

Dedicated to a complex love-hate relationship with our indispensable chemical messengers

Hormones are vital (as anyone knows), Steering everything from sleep to sex drive. Without them, we couldn't feel or think — Indeed, we need hormones to thrive. Yet they behave in peculiar ways, Some may wane while others surge. Normal functioning is nigh impossible When, at cross-purposes, their missions diverge. They blithely swing this way and that As though it were...Read On

Added: 23 Oct 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 917 | Words: 192 | Tags: hormones  whimsy   | 6 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Sensual Encounter

Touch is my dominant sense

Cradled in my hands, it is safe for you to let go, To follow your true nature. I begin to toy with you, preparing for our evening together. Though gentle, my touch is firm, my intentions clear. My thumb presses into you, exploring your depths, Learning your form, controlling your response. Ephemeral resistance abandoned, you gradually succumb to my desires. At...Read On

Added: 12 Jan 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 1,114 | Words: 164 | Tags: touch  sense  submission  clay art  sensuous   | 2 Comments

magnificent1rascal

Autumn Martyrs

A haiku in classic form about the futile battle waged annually...

Wind-torn from their perch Tenacious leaves stay aloft 'Til fate...Read On

Added: 04 Nov 2012 | Category: Poetry | Avg Score: 5 | Views: 612 | Words: 11 | Tags: autumn  leaves  haiku   | 2 Comments