Flash Fiction(6)

6

Re-Gifted Misinformation

We can't always believe what we are repeatedly told (and sing about)...

Santa uses flying caribou, not reindeer. It’s true. Reindeer and caribou are the same species and essentially the same animal. However, and we’ve all seen the pictures and movies, the jolly fella’s sleigh pullers are pretty big. Reindeer are diminutive in comparison, more like a stocky, white-tailed deer. It’s believed that the caribou’s Canadian Arctic diet is the main reason for the...Read On

10

Something Is Watching

A groggy mind can play terrible tricks...

Ever get the feeling you’re being watched? That fear and reality exists even more so today than ever before, and I’m reminded of it every day. Our computers. Our phones. Or just walking down the street. But I feel most exposed when I nap on the couch. The other evening I felt eyes on me. From the corner of my half-opened glance, an alien appeared to be watching me. A small one, but with...Read On

9

Santastronaut

Some truths about Christmas that we've always known, but have rarely acknowledged...

“Santa works at the North Pole,” the boy told his younger sister. “He lives there with Mrs. Claus, his team of elves, and his magical flying reindeer. “Wrong, big brother,” his sister replied. “Santa’s from outer space.” “Outer space?” the boy gasped. “He is not!” “Is too!” “Is not!” “Is too!” “Shhh,” their father hushed as he entered their kitchen. “I told you two to use your...Read On

7

Demon Within

The battle of at least two father's, is a young boy's newest war...

He forced open his mouth and filled his lungs, but the man’s clenched diaphragm only exhausted his terror in silence. No sounds of warning escaped to his doting young son. There was no more fight. The demon had finally come. The man’s immediate thought was how his boy would remember the coward that had abandoned him. There was no taste of blood. No tears. No feeling of love or hate,...Read On

8

The Garbage Man Returns, But Things Have Changed...

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

After my stay at the Salem State Sanitarium, Planetarium, and Hair Care Centre, I returned to a hazy Rump’s Bar - the scene of the infamous crime - and things had changed. Now sporting the stylish reverse Mohawk, affectionately called the Escobar Air Strip, one could spin me around blindfolded and I’d always find Uranus. My neck wound had healed, but I’d lost my hand-eye coordination....Read On

12

Saved By The Pink Panther

Our dreams can teach us many things, including empathy...

We hiked through the tall pines, down the steep embankment, in the shadow of the majestic railway hotel, until we reached the icy waters below. Why I was carrying an arm full of books, I do not know. As I reached the river’s edge, to the right, I saw a flash of brown and heard a growly whimper. I immediately knew where there was a baby; the mama was nearby. My friends hurried away from...Read On

Horror(1)

12

Under Taken

When well-intentioned but selfish parenting goes terribly wrong...

“I should have kept my damn mouth shut,” the man berated himself. “Who’s the adult here anyway? What the hell is wrong with me?” He knew better than to criticize her selections. After all, it’s her life. Boyfriend of the week or not. She was old enough to make her own decisions, even if he felt that she wasn’t yet experienced enough to make the right ones. After all, if given a choice,...Read On

Humor(7)

5

Bovine Confusion

It happens so fast, and then, the innocence of childhood is gone...

We’ve all navigated the dangerous waters of life’s many rites of passage. Not always first-time successful, but we made it, right? First steps. First bike ride. First crush. First kiss. First heartbreak. First arrest. First walk of shame. I trust that most of us experienced all of these before puberty, except that latter one. However, I know some adults that are still challenged with...Read On

12

Bite-Sized Giggles

Baking cookies is next to godliness...

So, if needed, this is what I’ll tell the police... When a child has a birthday, my daughter’s school, like probably most every other school, allows the students to bring, in celebration of their own birthday, treats for their classmates. Numerous times, my kids and I have had this conversation. I complain, saying that if it’s someone’s birthday, shouldn’t the class be treating the...Read On

6

Why We Don't Eat Our Young

Entertainment is the real reason humans produce offspring...

The Boy Finally able to take advantage of his birthday gift, my son, uneventfully, recently completed an introductory snorkeling and underwater safety class. However, he almost didn’t make it. Rewind two months… My mistake, but we stood in a sporting goods store, not the diving specialty shop we should've gone to. We received very little assistance. The sales person was young and kind,...Read On

9

My Son, Captain Oblivious

What happens when a parent's cartoon mind is allowed to shape a child's...

Perplexed, the boy suspiciously leered at the clock. "Dad, what time is your appointment?" He spoke loud enough that everyone in the waiting room, including the stressed, but seemingly apathetic receptionists, and everyone in the adjacent Walmart across the parking lot, heard him. "4:00." Now mortified, I instructed, “Boy, sit down and read your book.” It was 4:10. “I thought so,” he...Read On

14

And So It Begins...

Everyone wins and loses with inappropriate behavior...

Good Afternoon, Unfine Sir, This morning, there was an incident where a group of grade one girls were swearing on the hill during recess. Your daughter was involved. She admitted to saying the f*** and sh** words at recess with her friends, but said she did not know what the words meant. After a few more questions, she admitted she knew that they were swearing words. I talked with all...Read On

8

Grave Language

It's a Dad's responsibility to teach them right...

I recognized that look. That distinctively mischievous grin of a Cheshire Cat. That smirk of having swallowed Granny’s Tweety Bird. That poorly hidden giggle of having released, in the back seat, a silent killer with hopes that blame would befall his sister. The boy was bursting at the seams. He wanted to tell me, but was unsure he should. However, he had to tell someone, and the other...Read On

11

Lessons Taught, Lessons Learned

Fathers have more impact on our sons than we sometimes realize...

As a father, a dad, a guy trying to be a guy’s guy, I am charged with teaching my son the ways of the world, as seen through my eyes, as guys have taught their masculine flesh and blood for millennia. One invaluable taught lesson is being able to write one’s name in the snow, no hands preferably, but improbably, but highly impressive to future bros, especially after a bender. However, at...Read On

Micro Fiction(9)

7

Same Thing, Isn’t It?

Humorously found in translation...

My daughter recently ran off a playful string of inarticulate sounds and noises, and then asked me if she had said anything. Did what she just say have any meaning? I informed no, and said it was just gibberish. “British?” she proudly queried. “I can speak British?” “No,” I corrected. “You spoke nonsense. Gobbledegook. Gibberish.” She devilishly grinned, “Same thing, isn’t it?” I’ve got...Read On

12

Death Of A Garbage Man, Or Is It?

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

Only looking for bar-found cuddles, I now clutched my throat. I’ve been shot! Reaching to plug my wound, I felt a pointy stick protruding from my juggler vein. “Oh Lord, why?” I gurgled to the heavens. “I’ll never again perform in the world-renowned, Garbage Man Circus!” Dizzy and weak, I dropped to my knees. Gill’s crying. Recycle Man’s recycling. Compost Boy's composting. Orange Bag...Read On

11

The Garbage Man Tries To Save The Day

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

Chaos. I just wanted snuggles. Everyone knew, any garbage man worth his weight in refuse, was a cuddler. But something wasn’t right. I smelled it. Then, just like the silent, noxious plume Rump regularly shared with us from behind the bar, it hit me. That’s no fashion inspector. That’s my arch nemesis, Recycler Man, and his sidekick, Compost Boy. I’d recognize their disguised, odorless...Read On

9

The Garbage Man Cometh... And So Too Did The Inspector

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

“Another drink, barkeep! No dust!” Rump giggled while mixing another. Bloody bugger’s up to something. My attention returns to my precious; she needs a low-density polyethylene changing. Luckily, the G-man always comes prepared. I handed her a larger, room-for-two orange bag, traditionally reserved for autumn foliage collections. It complimented her eyes. “You’ll find this more... comfy,”...Read On

10

Garbage Man Meets Garbage Bag Lady Continues...

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

Poor dame was a hot, sweaty mess, like she's trying to make weight. I’d rung her bell, but she’d already lost the fight. Nerves even spilled her drink. Glad she dressed in low-density polyethylene. Snort. Chortle. Fart. She leered, like a jet. I bellowed, “Barkeep! A mop, if you please!” realizing I’d slipped in her saintly puddle of sin. “Names are inconsequential,” I hushed then...Read On

12

Garbage Man Meets Garbage Bag Lady

It happened at Rump's Bar one Friday night...

Rump’s was packed. Libations for everybody. Sanitation engineer by trade. She's dressed by Glad. Green. I needed to know. I had barkeep Rump send over an appletini. She glanced my way. I sashayed over, rocking shoulders with exuberant jazz hands. Sexy. Irresistable. I know. “Expecting rain?” I snorted the obvious opener, and then wiped the chortle-propelled mucus from my upper lip. ...Read On

9

Making Friends

When a hung over morning feels like an intervention gone terribly wrong...

“G’day, Madam,” the knickers salesman grinned while tipping his bowler hat. Beside him buzzed the shoeless, garbage bag-wearing, Neighborhood Watch lady from across the street. “How the f… “ “Back door, Ma'am,” the salesman cheerfully informed. “Your son… “ “You’re trending, Mom,” heckled the thirty-year-old, basement-dwelling virgin, while he handed her his Hello Kitty smart phone. Her...Read On

10

Knickerless And Amnesiatic

Being well-connected and oblivious to causing annoyance, one can brighten just about anyone's day...

I embraced the text. I rushed over first thing and now stood on her front stoop, with finger on the bell. Her singing was strong, said he. The bourbon, much stronger. They fell, my double decker bird-dogger observed, as she staggered from the bus. Being a highly successful traveling knickers salesman, experience bespoke of the lady’s distress. A tidy sum's been made from...Read On

11

Home Late Too

She thought he'd be angry that she was so late...

So, the other day, I’m minding my own business, riding the bus, when this clearly intoxicated lady climbs the stairs to the second level. She was stark naked, grinning ear-to-ear, clothes under arm, shoes in hand, and singing Theatreland show tunes at the top of her lungs. I invited her to sit by me, for fear someone might mistake her compromised state as an opportunity instead of...Read On

Musings(19)

9

The Absurd Spirit Of Things

A couple lovely Christmas tales about my kids…

  The Boy As the winter weather-bundled three of us patiently waited, watching the cheerful, cherubic cashier ring through my spicy rum, the older woman attempted to engage my son in some awkward and unsolicited conversation. “There was a heavy-set, older fella here earlier today, asking about parents who bring their kids to liquor stores,” she said. Oh really, my son nodded. He...Read On

7

Unmeasured Behaviour

When experience overshadows blind enthusiasm...

“Buddy, what’s the rush?” After gleefully claiming that he’s grown yet again, for the umpteenth time in the past two weeks, we once again checked his height against his previous measurement on the family growth chart next to the fridge. “Nope. Still the same,” I advised my almost eleven-year-old son. “But Dad, I must have grown,” he whined with disbelief, “I’m going through puberty.” ...Read On

9

Eye See Her Sarcasm

My children’s annual medical examinations are always insightful...

The good doctor bent over with an oft-practiced, child-welcoming smile. “Good to see you again,” he said to my young daughter, punny obviously intended for both of us. “It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year.” Her feigned smile was overshadowed by her rude silence, a nose twitch, and a half-step back. The optometrist immediately stood up fearing that he had incurred a...Read On

11

I'm No Medusa, Yo

Sometimes it's parents that say and do the darnedest things...

Like most family units, we have our frivolous banter and unrehearsed routine. Each improvisational interaction is personalized for the diverse character actors we’ve assembled for our home life, live theatre experience. When one’s children are comfortable sharing their minds and personalities, the audience around them is blessed with many memorable, life-enhancing experiences. Valuable...Read On

9

Indomitable Spirit

This is a near verbatim re-telling of a lucid dream sequence I awoke from this morning...

Queue the X-Files music. It was a cold but sunny mid-winter’s Sunday morning. The unclouded sky was blue and the ice crystals sparkled in the snow like a blanket of diamonds. I stood in my kitchen with my back to the sink’s window and faced the white Amana refrigerator. I was enjoying a freshly brewed cup of coffee, lots of heavy cream, lots of sugar, just the way I like it. The kids had...Read On

10

Why Worry?

Some things are just not meant to be worried about, and others, are unforeseen opportunities...

Some time ago, in a not so far off place, I stumbled across a small vender’s booth on the roadside while on vacation. The older woman, appearing wise with wavy dark hair streaked with various hues of grays and whites, and sun-baked skin with crow’s feet extending from the corners of her deep-set, black eyes, asked me how I was that first-day-of-my-vacation day. Maybe I struggled to respond,...Read On

14

Outrageous Road Rage

When did bad driving become a personal thing?

Why does someone's crappy driving cause me to froth and seethe like a rabid, discriminating jerk? I think I’ve got an open mind and do try my best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but operating a vehicle is not a right. It's a privilege. Why do YOU abuse that privilege? Why must you subject me, my family, and the rest of society to your egocentric display? I’m now stuck...Read On

12

Holy Crap!

Inquiring minds of precocious children want to know...

As a proud parent of two precocious children, my limited wisdom is constantly tested. It’s tested with questions about life, love, and yes, liberty, not necessarily in that order. This past winter, while helping me shovel our sidewalks, my ten-year-old son point-blank said to me, “Kids are essentially slaves, aren’t we?” After hearing the phrase, alternate facts, my eight-year-old...Read On

5

Another Life Lesson From Dad

Supporting evidence for the importance of a father's presence in their young daughter's life...

“What’s that now?” I first swallowed then spat, before explaining again. “Trap the pointier edges between your upper and lower front teeth.” “Like this?” "No." I showed her again. "Like this?" “Kinda.” I then spat. “Like this?” “Better.” “This?” “Yes. Perfect.” I spat again. “Now, bite down until you feel it split.” I waited for the snapping sound before I spat again. “But not...Read On

9

Dark Rum And Coke

This happens every time...

While standing in a shelter behind the starting line, I watched the timed, illuminated lights descend the Christmas Tree. In a rubber-tired chirp, my son rocketed away in an older model, black Mustang with dragster slicks. His first race - a 9.92 at 136.45 mph. I felt immense pride. We then moved over to the make-shift, open-air theatre in one of the university’s empty, mature elm...Read On

10

A Father's Reflection

Each and every moment is a gift that they share with me...

Today is my son's 10th birthday. I never thought I would make it, but now, my kids are my life. They keep me from stopping. My own father was murdered when I was five and those 'why' and 'what if' demons never leave. They also remind me of their presence at the most inopportune times. Each birthday that reaches my son, I hope that I have been, and still can be, the father to him that I...Read On

10

Seagulls Don't Give A...

Are we sure human beings are the smart ones?

As long as no one tried to shoot or eat me, I'd like to be a bird. A seagull, to be exact. Flying around, crapping on cars, telling people to flock off. Maybe even make a few little ones. It's a perfect life. They are also completely disconnected. Some days, I also wonder what being disconnected would be like - no phone, no television or radio or internet, and definitely, no...Read On

11

Keep Counting...

The things we learn while walking to school...

Today, while walking my kids to school, I overheard my nine-year-old son ponder aloud to his younger sister, "I wonder if there are any swear words for butt." Never one to ignore a teachable moment, I interjected that he indeed knew at least one. I then told him. Why? Because that's my job. We've been through this before. His expression was priceless! He was in genuine shock. For some...Read On

9

Simple Question, Another Poor Decision Dad Answer

Inquisitive young minds want to know, so do not mess with them or you will pay the humbling price...

“What’s wrong with her eye?” my daughter asked after noticing the receptionist’s eye patch. Temporarily ignoring her, I continued socializing with the ladies, focusing on the one informing us about her planned travels to Romania and a few neighboring European countries over the summer. “Romania?” The short girl beside me interrupted again. “Like Transylvania, Romania?” “Yes,” I politely,...Read On

12

Words

She will keep me entertained, and that's not a bad thing...

My daughter recently told me that some days, her classroom is too quiet. So quiet in fact, that she cannot even think. I told her I understood, saying some people need a little background noise to help them concentrate. However, I said, her father needs absolute silence when reading or writing. Without missing a beat, she replied, “Well, when I’m reading or writing, I need words.” LMFAO   ...Read On

7

Plum Diggity... But No More Plum Wine

Purple fruit can mean so much to so many...

“Hey, that’s my house!” Jerk. ~ ~ ~ I was driving home after taking my children to school for their first day of the new school year. Me, more than my son, was thrilled to see one of the better-behaved boys in his homeroom class. I hugged the other boy and sat him down next to mine. They are good influences for one another. I would like to foster that relationship. My daughter, on...Read On

5

Goodbye McDonald's - I'm Too Fat Anyway

When enough is enough...

Dear McDonald’s, I never imagined it would come to this. We have been together for so long, but alas, you have given me no choice but to end our relationship, a mutual courting that began in 1971. I remember it well. That is when you first moved to my city. It was love at first bite, and your fries were to die for, and we later learned why that was truly the case. I never imagined that...Read On

6

Snow Pants Required

Sometimes it only takes a look for understanding...

“Where are we going, Dad?” both quizzical faces asked. They were confused. I knew what they were thinking. I had not announced we were going for a walk since our puppies died. Sadly, they were right. I would heel the dogs on one side, and my children would walk on the other. But today’s walk was intended for something else. Something I hoped they would never need to experience. “Can we...Read On

10

My Kids Do Stuff That May Get Me Beat Up Some Day

Unfiltered streams from a child's mind...

* * * This is one of my favorite musings from previous submissions * * * One winter day, when he was three, I carried my son into a local shopping centre. As we approached the entrance, I saw a lady taking a long drag on a short cigarette. I moved quickly away from her before we were forced to walk through an ominous cloud of exhaled cancer. I didn’t realize this, but my precocious son...Read On

Poetry(10)

27
Editor's Pick

Whatever

Do the Angels of Mercy override the whatevers and help shape the course of history?

This numerology thing is cool yet thematically unrelated, but I lead with it anyway. If you add the first twenty even numbers, starting with two and ending with forty, the sum of those twenty numbers equals four hundred and twenty. Go ahead. Try it. Or not. Whatever. If the Waldos knew that sparking up after school would have inspired an annual world-wide celebration of smoking weed at...Read On

10

Is That Okay?

Sometimes we just need to walk away...

No longer dream but silently scream Wake sweaty, sad, and unclean  Did you hear me?   Were you even listening? Kept me at bay so I left you today Impatient, hurt, and astray  Do you miss me?   Are you aware I’m gone? Appears to be true I meant less to you Sinful words, song, and our view  Was it just me?   Am I the fool again? Don’t know why there was no try So I walked away...Read On

6

Heart's Wonder

The fear of a new journey burdened by the weight of the past...

As my time marches on And memories pass in the night My dreams sometimes dare To ponder what’s right Am I destined for sadness And loneliness my fight Or can I battle for love With all of my might Is it greedy or fair To again want delight With desire for you To turn darkness to light I'm at those crossroads again Happy and hurt in plain fright They come with great fear Rejection...Read On

6

Burden Of Love's Death

Only memories and unrequited feelings remain after betrayal and shameful actions...

There's no reason nor any rhyme, How raptured my heart was with you. Impassioned kisses stopped all time, Even after our love withdrew. Your lies! My lies! Were everywhere! Of truth from many words did seep. My lies! Your lies! Cannot compare! For not a shred of truth did keep. Cursed memories thought divine, Timeless claims no longer remain. Haunted each day by loss of mine, And...Read On

5

Falling

A passionate addiction will always have risks...

Our love This connection Is a free fall Something We both want And need But Is it worth The risk Maybe Our chutes Have Already deployed The decision Has been made And We are floating Back down To earth Safely And no harm Will come to us Maybe But we wonder Will we land In an open field This once Escaping injury Deciding Never to Go up To soar again But we know Life Has No guarantees So Do...Read On

11

Finding Love Again...

It always returns to find you...

Our hearts feel your pain, yours is filled with regret Their corrosive words, tried their best to beset. Duplicitous ways, easily got you down More effort’s needed, for a smile than frown. Don’t give up my friend, don’t let yourself cower Too many turn sweet, into undeserved sour. You will love again, so be patient and wait It comes by surprise, so leave open your gate. Your words now...Read On

7

Are You Sorry?

Sometimes to move love forward, only an apology is required...

Saying sorry is not a sign of weakness It comes from a place of strength One of better understanding More of us need to go to that length. Some hide behind their repeated past And attempt to re-write history Others claim they are innocent The accusations are a mystery. Then some are clearly oblivious They don’t get the anger at all Becoming frustrated and very confused When their...Read On

4

Scared By Love

Overcome fear by trusting your heart...

Think of me As opportunity Take you away Far from gray Happy again Have it then You get that with me. Smiling face Warm embrace Giggly fun Tears undone For us two Only be true Because I adore You. Ping Note: I love this poem, sorry. I wrote this a while back for, at the time, a very special person in my life. Even today, this poem still warms my heart and makes me smile. I hope...Read On

3

Fade Away

The helpless feeling while watching perceived love go away...

Have not heard from you again today Another day sadly we lost in this fray One more wasted since you went away Wish it was still our yesterday Do not know Nor can I say We now seem so very far away But tomorrow is always a brand new day Hope there is something you need to say To help you decide whether to go or stay And if you any longer still want me that way Have not heard from you...Read On

6

Warrior Angel

A classic struggle of love and belief...

For every fallen angel Every one that is weak For every angel darkened There are a thousand or more That are tasked with mercy Each brimming with hope You are the enemy A trafficker of hate You are toxic evil Causing angels to weep A demon in disguise That seduces the weak You are not their love Nor are you their fate And you do not know me We have not yet met I am the fool that Treads...Read On