Drama(1)

22
Editor's Pick

After the Revenge

After violently avenging the murder of his family, a man questions his own morality.

The question was whether I should kill him very slowly or just slowly. He was sitting on the ground badly injured after his fall. His back was propped up against the base of a large rock. I kept my revolver aimed at his chest. I was standing about ten feet away. “Ya gotta be hubbie, right?” he asked. “Cause ya sure don’t look like no cop or ranger.” “Yes,” I responded. “I’m the husband.” ...Read On

Fantasy(2)

28

I Shot Santa Claus in Self-Defense!

Mr. Potato Head, an Amish Santa, and a strange Mariachi all point to an inevitable conclusion.

“Should I start just before I shot Mr. Potato Head in the face?” I asked. “No,” Callahan replied. “Pick it up earlier than that.” “When I discovered that Santa Claus was Amish?” I asked. “Before that,” Callahan replied. And then he looked at me and made his pitch. “You know,” he said, “we’ve already wasted three days on this. Internal Affairs has better things to do than spend time...Read On

41
Editor's Pick

Larry’s Second Chance

A near death experience and a sarcastic show-biz bumblebee give a man a second chance at life.

“You’re asking me how it’s going?” I said incredulously. “How can you ask me that? I’m paralyzed and I’m dying, for god’s sake!” “Well you don’t have to be sarcastic!” came the response. “And besides, you’re not dead…..yet. By the way, my name is Waldo. Nice to meet you.” Waldo flew over my head singing ‘Getting to know you…..getting to know all about you…..’ I learned later that he...Read On

Flash Fiction(3)

12

Santa’s Voice Menu System

A telephone voice recognition menu system for talking to Santa heals a family.

“Pwesent!,” my daughter shouted. “Pwesent!” “I’m sorry,” the elfin voiced on the telephone said. “I didn’t understand that. If you want a present for yourself from Santa, say ‘Present.’ If you want Santa to get something for Mommy or Daddy, say ‘Parent.’ For anything else, please say ‘Other.’ “Pawent!,” my little girl shouted. “Pawent!” “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that…….” My...Read On

24
Recommended Read

The Last Beginning

He didn’t dance. Why was he locked in a room with a ballerina, a conductor, and a photographer?

“This is like a Rod Serling Twilight Zone episode!” he observed. “Four of us locked in a room, and none of us know how we got here!” “And none of us seem that concerned about it!” the photographer noted. “Mind if I get some photos of everyone with my Exakta 66?” He stood up and started looking for the best vantage point in the room. The short, portly conductor was already pacing around,...Read On

33

The Suicide

An ending for one and a new beginning for another?

Jack was completely calm. As the nose of his aircraft dipped for the final time, as he saw the ground approaching, as he anticipated the impending impact, he felt no fear. Instead there was a serenity that came not just from a belief in the afterlife, but also a satisfaction that there would be complete closure. No more pain. No more depression. No loose ends. Everything resolved....Read On

Humor(15)

64

A Man’s Rebirth

A dead eccentric midget, a family heirloom, and an erotic toy give a man a new chance at life.

It takes a desperate man to pursue a woman who thinks that he’s a disgusting, lying pig. My ex-wife Veronica was the woman. I was the man and the pig. “What kind of pervert gives his ex-wife a box of flavored lubricants and a blow-up nun doll for a commemorative anniversary gift?” she shouted. “You are a pathetic pervert!” “Firstly, that’s nice alliteration!” I said. “But heck…can’t you...Read On

11

Beezie, Angie, Swan Lake, and Me!

A lawyer who wants to dance ballet negotiates for his soul with Satan and an Angel.

“I’ll rip off one of those dumb horns and shove it up your nose you stupid, red jerk!” Angie shouted. The angel told me that I could call her Angie. “Go ahead! Try it, you disgusting, pathetic pure white virginal pompous prude!” Beezie retorted. “You’ll be sorry.” Beelzebub said I could call him Beezie “Please folks, can’t we all just get along?” I asked. That, of course, was me. Henry...Read On

19

El Pequeño Cocodrilo Peludo (The Little Furry Crocodile)

A children’s story and relevant exercises to help teach basic math and social skills.

This unit emphasizes intuitive reasoning with fractions and proportions. It also illustrates how to perform mental computations by simplifying problems. Lastly, it explores the notions of compassion and empathy. All the characters in the story are dogs. If pictures are available of Yorkshire Terriers, Labradors, Poodles, and Pit Bulls they can be shown to children as the story’s characters...Read On

15

How to Feel Younger without Exercising or Dieting

Slightly mean-spirited but proven techniques for people from forty thru eighty-nine!

Want to feel ten years younger? If you’re between forty and eighty-nine years old you can; just use the techniques that follow. (If you’re ninety or older these techniques will not work. Nothing will. Just try not to embarrass everyone by printing this out, smearing it with ketchup and eating it.) - Make a youthful fashion statement by mutilating yourself. Impale your privates! Stick...Read On

23

Leaving the Darkness: Veronica’s Birthday Gift

A hot martial artist and method acting help a disgusting boor to self-actualize.

It’s hard to get an alert, physically fit, conscious wife into a coffin without her knowing it. Blindfolding her helps, but if it’s dark because all the lights are off it’s still a difficult task. I had just put Veronica into the coffin after bumping her head against it for a third time. “That’s it! Three strikes and you’re out!” Veronica screamed. She sat up in the coffin and ripped off...Read On

9

My Selfish Mother

A senior shares bittersweet memories about his Mom on Mother’s Day.

If my mother were still alive she would be 92 years old, twenty-six years my senior. Every Mother’s Day I fondly remember how well she took care of me. How she cooked and vacuumed and did my laundry and so many other things to keep our household going. If she were still alive I would be doing everything within my power to make sure that we lived together as long as she could still do those...Read On

29

My Therapy Success: Overcoming Inappropriate Joking and Homonymphobia

Thank you, Dreamcatcher. Your great piece “Therapy” gave me the courage to share.

As I looked at my new psychiatrist Dr. Milford, I could see the gears turning. He had one of those transparent clocks in front of him on his desk. I could also see that he was thinking about what I had said. “So,” Dr. Milford said, “you are incapable of being serious about anything, you always act like a childish, boorish ass, and you alienate everyone with incessant silly,...Read On

25

Necrotizing fasciitis and Me

A fearful man decides he needs another new psychiatrist.

I was hoping that my new psychiatrist could help me conquer my fear of going outdoors. I had just finished explaining my situation to him. “It really is true,” Dr. Merlin said. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" “Maybe if your only problem is a weak heart!” I noted. “But I find the thought of a crocodile twisting off my privates in a pond fear inducing!” “Just...Read On

28

SANTAPEDIA: Anti-Child Attitudes at the North Pole in the 1950’s

A union’s proposal jeopardizes child safety.

Overview Credible Christmas historians have long known that the North Pole was not always a child-friendly place. This was evident in the early 1950’s, when resentment over impossible Christmas Eve toy delivery schedules was intense. On February 11, 1952, the rancorous “This ain’t milk and cookies…” negotiating session took place at the North Pole. The following reconstruction of part of...Read On

19

Santapedia: The Story of Guido (a.k.a. Prancer)

Prancer’s battle with mental illness, lost love, and his search for redemption.

My most vivid memory of my evening with Prancer is not his admission that he was a murderer. Though unnerving it was consistent with his obvious paranoia. The most vivid memories are of what happened when I committed the faux pas of offering Prancer chopsticks with his General Tso’s chicken. Prancer was volatile. He could be aggressive one moment, but gentle and submissive the next. How I...Read On

9

The Christmas Visit

A man’s future self visits him on Christmas Eve and gives him a precious gift.

“You cannot be me from the future!” I shouted. “That is just not possible! Besides… you’re old and ugly!” “Deal with it!” the old man replied. “I am future you! And I can prove it.” “How?” “By telling you things that only you could know,” he said. I took another hit of gin from my hip flask and stared at the seventy-something guy standing in front of me. If this was me forty years...Read On

10

The Ghost of Christmas Sideways

Can one find self-awareness in a dirty bathroom? (Some adult themes and language.)

The apparition was angry. “Stop saying that! I am not the Ghost of Christmases Past! I am the Ghost of Christmas Sideways! I show you how past Christmases and the rest of your life might have been different…if only you had been standing ten feet to the left!” “All I said was that you’re kind of like the Ghost of Christmases Past with a bit of a twist. What’s so bad about that? What’s the...Read On

15

The Mermaid Who Needed CPR: The Legend of Agapetos and Adonia

A hopeless romantic falls in love with an acerbic-tongued aquatically-challenged mermaid.

I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I found out later that often happens when men meet mermaids. I still smile and feel warm and giddy inside when I remember the very first words that she said to me on that deserted beach. “Get the hell off of me, you pervert! What do you think you’re doing?” I removed my hands from her rib cage. “CPR,” I said. “You were unconscious,...Read On

17

You’re Not Bipolar If You’re Never Up!

Reptiles, garden hoses, blonds and tee-hees are the focus of a therapy session.

“Three tee-hees do not constitute a manic episode! You are not bipolar,” Dr. Childers repeated. “You are depressed.” He seemed a bit irritated. “But they were three consecutive tee-hees!” I protested. “Not three tee-hees interspersed throughout the day like before!” “That doesn’t matter,” Dr. Childers retorted. “But since this tee-hee episode does seem to be significant to you,...Read On

16

Your Death: Thinking Outside the Box

Don’t be selfish and make your death all about you.

By using today’s technology you can lessen the pain that your passing causes loved ones. All it takes is a little bit of planning and the help of a trusted friend. What follows are observations and suggestions from people current, past, and passed about how to lessen shock and help people cope when you expire. (1) You are the best person to tell others that you are dead. So do it! ...Read On

Micro Fiction(1)

21

The Hospital Visit

A husband visits his wife in the hospital. Written for a 55 word story contest.

…………………………………………………………………………….. This was written for a micro fiction contest in which the story has to be exactly fifty-five words long. This filler is provided so that the entire story does not appear in the preview. …………………………………………………………………………….. …………………………………………………………………………….. …………………………………………………………………………….. …………………………………………………………………………….. ……………………………………………………………………………. Her head...Read On

Musings(9)

11

An Admission to Magnificent Rascal

A public acknowledgment of legitimate editorial discretion.

A recent poem that I submitted was rejected by an editor here. It was a piece about hope, struggle, love, tenderness, and overcoming fear. It dealt with the hardship of sacrifice and the heavenly joy of lovers’ intimacy. It described one man’s struggle to overcome his limitations so that another could benefit. The piece was originally entitled “I Knew a Chap Horatio who Struggled with...Read On

16

Daffy Phonetic Definitions---A Musing in Rhyme

What if words meant what they sound like?

cantankerous - we cannot drop our anchor anyplace. alternate - do plastic surgery on Nathan’s face. bargain - to totally ban the making of a profit. rufie - one who likes to hang around a soffit. implacable - -cannot be bronzed or shown inside a frame. ameliorate - to talk about Amelia Earhart’s fame. universe - a to-the-point single stanza poem. bookish - looking like a novel or...Read On

15

Dare I Criticize Others’ Works?

Anguished soul-searching about commenting upon the works of others.

Have I the right to declare something written wrongly?  And if I do, then have I the right to declare that the wrongly written was righted?  And even if yes to both of the above, does that bestow upon me the right to question my right to write about the declaring of something as written wrongly? Or to go beyond that and write about the questioning of my right to write about the...Read On

20

If I Badmouth My Ex In The Forest but Nobody Hears…?

WARNING!! POLITICALLY INCORRECT, FOUL, GRAPHIC IMAGES!! Zen vs. animosity.

Many years ago an acquaintance asked me, “Do you hate your ex-wife?” “Of course not!” I replied as we strolled about the grounds. “Why would you think that?” “Well,” he responded, “she deserted you for a younger man, but still got alimony, child support, the house, car, kids, and dog in the divorce settlement. As I recall, your wages were garnished. And if you ever do retire, she will...Read On

14

In Defense of Seniors Stalking Young Women: One Senior Speaks Out

When a 75-year-old male stalks a 35-year-old woman everyone benefits.

A recent posting echoed the popular belief that it is inappropriate for senior males to stalk younger women. Though understandable this belief is misguided. When a senior stalks a young lady the senior, society as a whole, and thus even the young stalkee all come out ahead. (1) A senior stalking a young woman is a healthier senior. “If you’re gonna stalk then you have to walk….” This...Read On

26

Living with Latent Anorexia

How a sufferer can control Latent Anorexia, minimize complications, and get support.

Though most are aware of how debilitating and devastating anorexia can be, few are familiar with its most insidious form--Latent Anorexia. I’ve struggled with it my entire life; I hope that sharing this information will help others. Latent Anorexia is insidious precisely because it is latent--i.e.—there are no overt anorexic symptoms. The typical Latent Anorexic (LA) is overweight. (In...Read On

17

Of Mites and Men

Your intrinsic insignificance does have an up side.

Guess what. In the larger scheme you’re not very important. You’re like a little dust mite that occasionally elicits a big sneeze, but ultimately winds up squished in a HEPA filter or on its back in a vacuum cleaner bag with its little legs flailing in the air. Your primary legacy will be your carbon footprint, which will continue to expand after you die. If you’re buried in some cement...Read On

20

Punctuation Puns

A proposal for a new form of humor.

I will state one unequivocal thing about my colonic: I hated it! Please note that we have a colon used in a sentence referencing a colonic. I humbly suggest that usage like this henceforth be called a punctuation pun---just a thought that dashed through my brain. “What are other examples of punctuation puns?” you might question markedly. How about: “There is no doubt. She missed...Read On

17

Say “No!” to Toys for Tots….”Yes” to Toys for Tottlers!

Seniors need compassion at Christmas more than kids do.

To heck with “Toys for Tots!” Instead think “Toys for Tottlers!” Because tottlers (seniors who walk unsteadily and just tottle along for whatever the reason) are much needier than kids. Their friends have all died or are so out of it that they may as well be ornaments dangling on a tree. So the tottler frequently faces Christmas alone. Don’t buy a teddy bear and put it in some box at a...Read On

Poetry(75)

15

A Jocund Poetic Musing: Bury or Cremate?

Is pit or fire your final desire?

Beneath the ground you are alone completely by yourself. In an urn you simply chill on your wife’s closet shelf. Before they put you in the soil you pray for absolution. After you’re a London Broil you could be air pollution. The remnant of your buried form is ghostly and ethereal. The remnants of your cremated one can be spread on breakfast cereal. Underneath in sealed concrete...Read On

16

A Leaf Falls from a Tree; A Man Falls from Grace

A casual poetic allegorical musing on the meaning or lack thereof of everything.

A tree grows and provides pure air. A man grows and consumes it. The tree keeps giving as it ages. The man keeps breathing as his anger rages. A leaf falls one day from a branch. The man has a fall from grace. The leaf lands silently on the ground. The man dies loudly with a rasping sound. The shed leaf feeds a new born oak. The man has an oaken casket. The new oak grows and...Read On

11

A Lipidinal Fantasy

An obese male fantasizes about his hot-tubbing tubby neighbor (partially autobiographical).

Oh to be your fellow hot tubber and share the feel of soft warm blubber as bodies sway ‘neath gleaming stars at night. How magnificent and fresh to softly caress excess flesh while we hold dampened lipids close and tight. Tonight I'll have a vivid dream about love in your hot tub steam with boundless passions as we groan and boil! But alas when comes tomorrow's morn this hot, wet,...Read On

21

A Man’s Last Smile

A brief encounter between a have and a have-not.

I was walking and saw a homeless man sitting on the street. His shirt and pants were in pretty bad shape, like the unlaced shoes on his feet. He was filthy and he was smelly and he looked like a potential threat. My impulse was to get as far away as I could get. I didn’t know what his story was. I’d never think to ask. I didn’t want to hear some rant or possibly be taken to task. But as I...Read On

22

A Post Mortum Farewell

A son recalls the sudden passing of an aging parent.

I sat beside him as he cooled. I touched his hand and stroked his head. Death had come an hour before. They placed him on a hospital bed. I found him on the bathroom floor. There was no pulse or breathing sound. He collapsed behind the wooden door. There was nobody else around. I never got to say good-bye. When I found him he had expired. I had said mean things that day ...Read On

7

A Scathing Reply to Dirty Martini’s 'The Conning of America'

A poetic retort to Dirty Martini's poem

How sad the best that we can do is picking these pathetic two for President of our United States. One a bozo quite uncouth the other cannot tell the truth A sad choice to have on our voting plates! Yes it’s fun to laugh and dump all over clownish Donald Trump who won’t release a single tax return. A cad who smiles and offers scotch then grabs a woman by the crotch? It...Read On

15

A Second-Guesser’s Love Poem

Does a woman prefer honesty or hyperbole when a man proclaims his love?

I could say that your eyes were like the brightest sparkling jewels! Or just that they are pretty like your face. I could proclaim your bearing as magnificent and queenly! Or just that you do have a bit of grace. I might observe that your long hair was golden. As brilliant as the full bright mid-day sun! Or I could just say that it looked quite lovely. That seeing it or touching it...Read On

59

A Senior’s Tale: Passion in the Nursing Home!

A senior couple lets the good times roll!

I was eighty you a year younger but we smoldered with that hunger to feel passion and taste salty sweat. You were not much of a talker but looked so hot on your walker! I rolled up as close as I could get. We managed not to trip or sway as standing we began to play a prelude to our search for senior bliss. When you brushed against my thingy suddenly our love took wingy! We shed our...Read On

8

A Senior's Jocund Poem of Holiday Cheer

A senior citizen wishes happiness to all.

A stark blank page an empty mind the signs of age are not too kind as skills and memory begin to fade. Forgotten words a frozen tongue a trembling hand are all among the fearful things of aging’s promenade. Foul smelling clothes a dumb blank stare a dripping nose long grey nose hair a lonely senior in a barren room. Dribbling spit and gibberish rants with yellow stains on underpants...Read On

14

A Solitary Life in Twelve Lines

A poetic musing on the ups and downs of a single person’s life and death.

When one is spry and healthy, being alone is not too bad. Though there is no other there is much fun to be had. When aches and pains have started but are not yet too severe, life is still quite manageable even though there’s no one near. When movement becomes harder, and it’s difficult to bend, that’s when one starts to regret the absence of a friend. When pain from...Read On

25

A stitch in time saves nine…..or is it deadly?

As is usually the case, context is critical.

One often hears it uttered that “a stitch in time saves nine.” And then a knowing nod ensues implying all is fine. But I for one have never been a booster of that quote. I’ve pondered exactly what it means with a bit of a skeptical note. First of all, what’s being stitched? A shirt, a dress, a shin? What works well on an old sock might not do well with skin. “And who is doing...Read On

12

A Truly Perfect Love

Sometimes the idealization can be the realization.

My fingertips caress your hair and I no longer have a care about what happens in this mortal plane. You lay there close to me in bed and then I gently touch your head and you surrender love to me again. I feel your tongue from your soft kiss and on your face I see your bliss from being gently fondled and caressed. I look at your adoring eyes. You emit soft loving sighs. I...Read On

16

An Epic Poetic Tale: The Murdered Spouse

A man slowly poisons his unfaithful wife.

And hatred then consumed my soul after your vile unfaithful act. Revenge became my only goal and thus came my satanic pact. All that mattered was to see you were destroyed in every way. Crying there in agony until your hair was sparse and gray. And so each day a little trick! When I served you your meal in bed I put in some arsenic but not enough to make you dead. Just enough to make you...Read On

13

An Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Christmas

My annual contribution for Christmas next year (2018) since I’m old and my mind could go any second.

Dedicated to my precious cousin, an IBS sufferer, without whom I would never have the keen appreciation that I do for my own regularity. ***An IBS Christmas*** It probably does seem myopic juxtaposing this bad topic with icons of Christmas cheer and joy. But I am not a boorish bloke and IBS is not a joke. I wish to raise awareness, not annoy. When peristaltic ebbs and flows that do...Read On

21

An Overwhelming Passion

A poetic expression of an all-consuming and resilient love.

My love for you is so profound I often lay upon the ground writhing there in overwhelming passion. I want to kiss your eyes and hips, caress your nose and slurp your lips succumbing to my boundless sexual attraction. I yearn to lick some salty sweat and know that you have no regret as we both squeeze our torsos like constrictors. I hope to see you beam and smile as you amaze and I beguile...Read On

12

Depraved Christmas Misunderstandings: Happy Holidays!

A playful poem about abhorrent Yuletide miscommunications that asks: Do you have a naughty mind?

He gave me quite a whack after I grabbed his bulging sack! (Santa left his toy bag on the floor.) IF THESE OPENING LINES EVOKE A SMILE (or better a guffaw) PLEASE CONSIDER READING THE REST OF THIS POEM. It might tickle your fancy (wherever that is)! BUT IF THEY OFFEND YOU PLEASE SKIP THIS PIECE. (You’ll think that what follows is worse!) …………..…………..….………… Depraved...Read On

12

Filling Literary Voids II: Erotic Chewing Gum Haikus

More poetry that society demands--mastication haikus in 5-7-5 form.

On Anticipating Chewing Gum I want to taste you. I want you to make me moist. My mouth awaits you. On Enjoying Chewing Gum You pass through my lips. My tongue caresses your form. I taste your sweet juice. On the Dénouement Squishy, flat, and soft. You satisfy no longer. Your essence is drained. On Swallowing Chewing Gum I swallow you whole. You slide into my...Read On

21

Filling Literary Voids: Dark, Bitter Christmas Haikus

Holiday rants in 5-7-5 syllable form.

The Christmas Tree Low humidity. Twinkling lights on a dry tree. Teddy bears aflame. Mommy’s Legacy Timmy wanted toys. Mommy bought him three sweaters. Tim hates women now. Santa Slips Up Santa is aroof. Black ice on cold dark shingles. Splat goes Santa Claus! The Electronics Sale Big screens marked way down! Doors fly open, folks stampede. Some save. Others die. ...Read On

19

For A Dear Friend’s New Baby

He just doesn’t look like an angel to me.

The newly born emerges in innocence. A new life’s journey begins soon. But as I gaze upon him I see not an angel. I see a prune. The countenance is a shriveled, purple, wrinkly mass. The pate is itself crowned with all manner of irregular ridges and bumps. And I see neither heavenly nor angelic forms when the child spews forth his fecal lumps. Others stare and proclaim that he has...Read On

15

For a Woman Fighting Cancer

For Jeanne who will soon feel strong and healthy again.

© 2011, Lee Goldberg It’s often said before the dawn that darkness reigns and hope is gone. Right now I know that’s the way you feel. But dawn will come. You’ll see the sun. One day your struggle will be done. And you will be quite different when you heal. Simple things will bring great joys, the sky, a breeze, a child’s new toys, a lovely flower or a pretty dress. A favorite...Read On

20

For My Lover: A Haiku Chain

A love poem with each verse a Haiku.

You lie beside me. All my fears then disappear. I have all I need. The smallest caress. It awakens my passion. It fuels desire. Loving lips, soft hands. A tongue gently caresses. Two release as one. Then deep sleep for both. The sun greets in the morning. Warm just like you...Read On

7

Green Jell-O is Magnificent!

The title says it all.

There’s nothing that will make my soul more mellow than a luscious bowl of freshly made green Jell-O. It’s smooth and sweet, magnificent to taste. And there’s no crust, which means there is no waste! Thus every molecule will make me smile as I spoon through the green translucent pile! The perfect cubes demand my soft tongue’s touch. Another reason I love it so much. Jell-O slides...Read On

15

Haiku Cries for Help

Written for a funny 5-7-5 poetry contest. I have to pick one. Please feel free to opine.

On Housework (A poetic emotive grunt.) I hate housecleaning. Doing windows is a pane. And vacuuming sucks. -------------------------------------- Of Men and Wind (A portrait of a primeval relationship.) When wind roars heed it. When wind brings the rain rejoice. If wind breaks exhale. -------------------------------------- The Submissive Husband (A celebration of obedience.) I am your...Read On

13

Heaven, Hell, Afterlife, Schmafterlife…..Just Take It Slow and Enjoy!

No sense rushing if you don’t know where you’re going to wind up!

Some claim after our final breath a soul survives the body’s death and some kind of an afterlife begins. Other’s say that when we die and utter our last earthly cry we’re dust and just wind up in garbage bins! I think it may well be the case that when we leave the human race the details of departure are what matter. For one can leave the mortal plane in total peace or with...Read On

21

How I Lost My Wife: The Water Bed Disaster

A man recalls the tragic evening of his personal Titanic.

I always hoped when we were wed that our humongous water bed would be our special place of carnal passion. There whatever we might crave we’d do upon a gentle wave supping on our young libidos’ ration. And so it was that we’d make love and I’d give you a gentle shove and watch your body rise upon the billows. After years had passed a bit we still made love on top of it and then we would...Read On

14

How Oprah Turned My Life Around 360 Degrees

Thank heavens for her Law of Attraction!

I often was thinking about slowly sinking as I became older and weak. I always was wary that old age was scary because I would mumble and leak. I’d sit and I’d cry feeling that I would die and that no one was there who would care. I’d groan and I’d sigh when in my poor mind’s eye I’d be found in my stained underwear. The years they did pass and I got real bad gas and my end time...Read On

23

I Admit it; I’m a Lousy Poet. So?

A dull poet acknowledges and celebrates his mediocrity and trivial blandness.

Okay, so I’m not Ogden Nash and most of what I write is trash and it won’t change the world or make folks cry. Okay, I’m also not James Joyce and lack an artist’s subtle voice regardless of how much I strain and try. What am I supposed to do if my whole life is mundane goo devoid of pain and struggle and great sorrow? What am I supposed to say if I just have fun every day ...Read On

18

I Am So Very Special!

A celebration of unique individuality.

I am a truly complex soul; so many layers are there. The outer one is cold and hard, but the one beneath does care. The next one is a delicate blend of gentleness and love. But beneath that is a hateful one that negates the one above. These all rest on an inner shell surrounded by a skin, that traps a minimal humanity for all the layers within. But then there is the ultimate center,...Read On

19

I Did the Best I Could

A dying man reflects upon his life.

The teacher gave a frightened look as she stared at my coloring book. But I knew I did the best I could. I tried to pass my spelling test but I was slower than the rest. Yet I knew I did the best I could. In gym I could not climb the rope. The coach said that there was no hope. Still I knew I did the best I could. I got my high school degree. It took ten tutors helping me. But I...Read On

22

I’m the Perfect Internet Date; Why am I Still Alone?

Mastering the social media does not guarantee happiness.

I am a normal modern male in search of a new mate. I use the social media to get myself a date. My web page shows my smiling face with brown hair neatly cropped. (In life I am completely bald; the pic is Photo-shopped.)  I tweet that I’m called handsome by a lot of different folk. (But if you want to Skype and chat I’ll say my cam is broke.)  My Facebook says I cycle, run, and like...Read On

12

In Praise of Evil

A poem that celebrates the darkness with alternate endings, choice left to the reader.

I care not if the sky burns red and human flesh is seared. I care not if all souls just rot as many long have feared. I wait for when the birds don’t fly and locusts take the grain. I hope the fertile soil turns red from poisoned acid rain. I dream to see the lakes all boil and swollen throats be dry. I rejoice when the hopes and dreams of good men fade and die. I laugh when...Read On

70

Is it better to travel in hope than to arrive?

Means vs. Ends, Process vs. Outcome, East vs.West...it's deep!

“It is better to travel in hope than to arrive..” I heard this quote from a thoughtful man who had heard it in the past. He apparently was well traveled, as the quote had an Eastern cast. It suggests that unlike in the West where we emphasize the goal, perhaps enjoying the honest attempt would be better for our soul. If I only think of arrival and concentrate on the trip’s end, ...Read On

35

Is Sharing Snacks Really X-rated?

It’s not my fault if YOU have a dirty mind!

Is it really all that kinky if I offer you my Twinkie and suggest that you could eat it just for fun? If I promise not to trickle when I hand you my big pickle will you share it or just quickly turn and run? I know you’d find it icky if I said your fig was sticky since you got it wet and left it in the heat. And you’d punch me in the chest if I reached out and grabbed your breast ...Read On

7

Lost Love?

A story of bad timing.....or was it?

Moonlit waves caressed the sand. She touched him with a delicate hand. She nestled up and pulled him near. What would unfold was perfectly clear. Afterward not a word was spoken. The perfect silence was never broken. They lay never more than an inch apart. She feared that he would break her heart. Eventually the sun arose. They both got up and donned their clothes. Still they...Read On

13

Making Satan Smile

To save his own soul, a man must make the devil laugh.

A friend of mine that’s oft described as strange and a bit droll, shared with me this tale about the Devil and his soul. He said Satan appeared one day and looked him in the eye, and said “Do what I now demand, or tomorrow you will die! I will take your soul and cut your miserable life in half, unless you can now find a way to make me smile and laugh!” My friend wanted to verify what...Read On

6

Medical Personnel Limericks I

From the Poems that Society Demands series.

A weight-lifting phlebotomist Russell, had a humongous bicep muscle. A vein he would grab and then give a hard stab. Often he and the patient would tussle. A young gastro doctor named Nate, could never get a second dinner date. He just could not stop rattling on about shop. The ladies hardly ever ate. An anesthesiologist named Fred, had a fetish about loving the dead. He’d bring home a...Read On

9

Merry Christmas and I Apologize and I Retract all my Prior Grinchy Christmas Works

I am so very sorry. And I mean it this time.

It’s time to stop being cute and coy and simply wish you Christmas joy because the day is rapidly approaching. May you smile at all the lights that brighten up the winter nights and I’ll stop being caustic and reproaching. Reindeer should not swear at elves. They should just be their furry selves. (I confess I wrote the swearing scene.) Policemen should not shoot till dead ...Read On

18

Mrs. ; Mr. --- A Poem from my Semicolon Period

A couple’s story succinctly put?

Younger ; Older Cautious ; Bolder  Naïve ; Weary  Trusting ; Leery  Quiet ; Loud  Humble ; Proud  Merciful ; Hard  Slender ; Lard  Children ; Dogs  Kittens ; Frogs  Petite ; Big  Refined ; Pig  Updo ; Shorn  Ballet ; Porn  Cocktails ; Bender  Caresser ; Rear-ender  Adored ; Abhorred  Trapped ; Bored  Spontaneous ; Forced  Disgusted ;...Read On

11

My Christmas Stocking

My annual contribution…is a Christmas stocking a good metaphor for an ex wife?

All last year you griped and moaned while I would hide or just get stoned to make it through your constant shrill henpecking. Then you finally sneaked away the morning after Christmas day and drained the funds we had in our joint checking. After you had packed your junk and ran away with that young punk I was awash with conflicting emotions. Sometimes I longed for your return sometimes...Read On

9

New Year’s Resolutions are Vicissitudinal Poop

Can broken pledges reaffirm life?

Another year has now arrived, the prior one has past. I’m glad that I’ve again survived, and hope this year isn’t my last. Resolved: I’ll eat the foods I should in portions of reasonable size. Resolved: I’ll run and stretch real good and do other great exercise. Resolved: I’ll give my thanks and pray and be true to His holy spirit. Resolved: I’ll do some good each day and do...Read On

9

Ode to the Common Man

A poem in praise of the unheralded.

Some of us will leave our mark when we illuminate the dark and make the world a richer, better place. Some of us will lessen pain or make people be born again and thus impact upon the human race. Some of us will cure disease or put our fellow men at ease by furthering the cause of world peace. Some of us will create art that touches both the soul and heart and helps the rage of darkened...Read On

14

Of Love and Morning (Traditional Minute)

A lover reflects upon their good fortune.

My life begins when you come near. Just lying here. In my embrace. Our sacred place. I caress with a gentle hand. You understand. You look at me. Then ecstasy. Exquisitely we become one. Await the sun. Then we arise. With smiling...Read On

12

Of Love and Peristalsis

A man recalls the incredible night when mutual love was released.

Silently we touched in bed. I offered you my shoulder and you laid down your head. I celebrated the smell of your skin and your hair. I thanked god Himself that you were there! And then for the first time it became quite clear. I realized what a treasure you were, my dear. I knew because of what you did and did not do. And I knew that I was totally in love with you. What soon unfolded was...Read On

29

On Cyber-Sex and Bandwidth

Sometimes in lovemaking faster is better!

I saw her photos on her wall and I thought I’d give her a call and so that night we videoed with Skype. I looked at her, she looked at me and in an instant we could see that we both felt we were each other’s type. As we both stared I just sent text hoping for what might come next. I asked, “Can we do cyber-sex tonight?” She typed back in a fancy font “I know exactly what you want.”...Read On

19

On Love and Being (nonet)

A man at peace ponders his existence.

I often wonder why I exist. A divine plan or simply chance? I have no faith to tell me. The answer eludes me. I may never know. But I’m at peace. I have love. I feel. You....Read On

10

On Poetry and Pain

Acknowledging the synergy between suffering and art.

It is a blessing that we cry if love we have begins to die and thus we have to face life all alone. If hubby smacks us in the head or wifey cheats in our own bed or doggy chokes on a soft sirloin bone. If son is hurt by angry thugs because he owes them for his drugs and there is no insurance to pay his bill. If daughter says she is with baby yet daddy’s name is still a maybe ...Read On

27

On the Human Comedy, Falling from Grace, and Texting

Poetic musings on where we fit (or don’t) in the scheme of things.

After fall then comes the snow when some plants die and some kids grow as all the many cycles run their course. One war is won another lost and either way there is great cost. The pious pray and sinners feel remorse. Some lovers kiss while others fight and claim they are not treated right. One walks in another out the door. Victors laugh and losers cry and babies scream and old...Read On

21

Passion: Young vs. Senior

Alas, it may be sad but age does matter.

Younger couples twist and turn to try exotic positions. Senior couples try but then wind up at their physicians. Soft young kisses in the morning lead to passionate shrieking. Seniors’ kiss when they wake-up to celebrate no leaking. Visions of a young mate’s body start libidinal fires! Seeing seniors’ bodies invokes visions of spare tires. Younger couples shower and oil to do things...Read On

18

Poetry Society Demands: Bizarre Inappropriate Limericks

Mildly disturbed silliness just for the heck of it! (Or consider it a cry for help.)

A pest control expert named Herman abhorred any type of small vermin. He would spray and then scoop if he spotted their poop. His success rate was hard to determine. A woman the neighbors called Beth would constantly take hits of meth. That’s what explained why her teeth were all stained and she always had horrible breath! A chef with no talent dubbed Nate could not make one thing that...Read On

14

Reminiscing On a Lover’s Lasting Legacy

A man still feels his lover’s effects years after she has left him.

It was a day when I was blessed as ours eyes met and we caressed and later felt our bodies intertwine. It was a week of sinful pleasures as we shared erotic treasures and you promised always to be mine. It was a month of carnal lust as you and I did what we must to satisfy insatiable desires. It was a year of shared hot tubs and gentle probing body rubs that stoked our...Read On

22

Silence is Not Always Golden

Don’t fear admitting love.

It is very painful in a sad ironic way, that what can hurt so badly is the thing one does not say. Those alive can hear tomorrow that which should be said. What was never spoken cannot be told to the dead. If you love in silence then love cannot shine its light. Making sure your dear one knows means fewer tears...Read On

4

Special People

Those who are rare and to be cherished.

One content with a simple place, who lives their life with a touch of grace, one who looks beneath the skin and truly sees the spirit within, one not driven by material gain who strives to lessen others’ pain, one that must save when they can but still will share with a poorer man, one that’s quick to give a smile but when seeking truth does take a while, such a person is...Read On

11

Sushi Surprise-----The Director’s Cut

A rewrite of a raw work that was previously e-published and reviled by thousands.

I like to eat real pink raw fish. I’ll put one on my little dish. I’ll stroke the tiny, delicate fin. The little eyes will make me grin. I’ll lay it on its scaly side. Then I’ll remove the fishy hide. I’ll take a long and wistful look at what came off that sharp fish hook. I’ll pat the little fishy tummy and know that it will taste just yummy. Then I’ll de-bone without delay ...Read On

12

Thanks to Everyone from RantingSenior

A poignant poem of parsimonious praise and gratitude.

Thank you for your thoughts and votes encouragement and cheery notes. I hope some did get chuckles from my story. It’s nice to get a little fame from dabbling in the writing game. A fleeting touch of literary glory. But also I’m compelled to say I could not celebrate this day without work done by all the web site folk. Thank you. Without this marvelous host I could not even do...Read On

16

Thanksgiving—The Mourning After

A man reflects upon Thanksgiving from the turkey’s point of view.

My knees began to wobble as I heard your final gobble and the ax came down and severed off your head. I knew you had a brother and a father and a mother but I chose to see you just as food instead. It must be so unnerving knowing you will be a serving and that being eaten is your final fate! It must be quite distressing knowing that with some brown dressing you will be a meal on...Read On

9

The ABC’s of Humanity

Written for an ABC poetry contest. A poem about being human.

A society without a conscience Bereft of a moral compass Caring not for those who need help Denying the humanity of its citizens Eventually will be consumed by the dark. Fear will prevail. Good will succumb to it Hope will be forever lost Ignominious transformation will be the result. Justice is indeed an elusive thing. Kindness may not defeat cruelty Love may not triumph over hate. Maybe...Read On

15

The Going On MEDICARE Blues

A simple event triggers a burst of painful self-examination.

Three Sundays hence I’m on MEDICARE, this Sunday I’m depressed. Once that milestone comes to pass all hope is put to rest. For now at this late stage in life it almost certainly seems that I shall never realize my glorious cherished dreams. I’ll never be a baseball player, or find a cure for cancer. I’ll never be a movie star or a graceful ballet dancer. I won’t become an...Read On

10

The Halloween Trolling Blues

Searching for love around Halloween can be tricky.

I hit the sack with some old witch I figured had to be quite rich. But she flew out when I ran out of candy. Then I was tricked by this young brat who dumped me for a big black cat. She told me that he treated her just dandy! Next I made a young girl sigh by eating her whole pumpkin pie. She stole my cash and played me for a fool. A ghostly senior my next pick, then a skeleton babe who...Read On

14

The Maybe Greatest Gift of Love

Is love enough?

The greatest gift for anyone is a loving husband or wife. Nothing is more precious during a person’s life. It’s true that riches are nice to have for material things can be sweet. But the heavenly touch of a lover and mate makes an empty soul complete. Yet if the riches are great enough, like over ten million or such, then interest alone can forever pay for a pro to provide that touch. ...Read On

17

The Maybe Greatest Gift of Love---A Retraction

Second thoughts about an insensitive prior poem.

I was crass and crude to say that having tons of money could lift one’s soul to wondrous heights and make one’s spirits sunny. I thought a bit about the sadness of that flippant poem, about a life without a wife, a life lived all alone. For waking up and seeing sun light up a lover’s face, and sleeping all night in the grasp of a tender, warm embrace, and feeling soft lips touch your...Read On

24

The Messy House Blues

A cleanliness-challenged bachelor struggles for tranquility in his messy home (autobiographical).

I look around my messy place and feel the flushing in my face because my home is in an unkempt state. I try to find some peace upstairs ignoring carpet stains and tears and seek a place to chill and meditate. But when I reach the bedroom door my underwear is on the floor. This makes it hard for me to just chill out. So I head to take a shower but then see that I did not scour ...Read On

11

The Obviously Mundane vs. the Darkly Sick Insane

A ditty in the Halloween spirit!

Many a debonair doctor takes his girlfriends out to eat. Doctor Lechter invites them in and tries to eat their feet. Raising a child is difficult and can take many tracks. Lizzy Borden’s derailed parents took their forty whacks. A playful, furry loving dog can pick one’s spirits up. But “Son of Sam” killed victims on the orders of a pup. Most would tell a friend in pain to take...Read On

23

The Packing Error: A Spoiled Romantic Getaway

Two lovers can’t straigthen things out on a romantic holiday. Really poignant stuff.

The years had passed as had desire. We simply didn’t have the fire that once consumed us many years ago. But you still ached to feel that spark that once caused magic in the dark. To feel your passions rage and ebb and flow. One day you said it would be swell to find ourselves a nice hotel and go and have a little summer fling. We could give romance a shove and re-ignite our...Read On

6

The Painful Game of Love

A man’s goal is to convince his lover of his sincerity.

I beg of you don’t be depressed, or become totally obsessed, with what you see as your emotional strife. I know you are consumed with pain, wondering if once again, you’ve made a bad mistake about your life. For you have said you love me so, and never want to see me go, because I fill a void in your sweet soul. And now you see me build a wall, and not acknowledge you at all, as if...Read On

12

The Reawakening: A Poignant Poem of Passion, Promiscuity, and Potency!

A young woman exploits the passions of an older man. But did she really?

I saw you and I had no choice. Your heavenly face, your alluring voice. All my waking thoughts were about you. We met and had our intimate talks. We shared romantic beachside walks. I agonized about what I should do. You were young and I was old. My body had become quite cold. I prayed your love might lead to my rebirth. Long ago my desires went. My manly passions had been spent. ...Read On

9

The Robin Hood of Christmas

A man robs the disabled and blind to give to the sick and needy.

A man I knew of quite strange mind would rob the disabled and blind but then give to the very sick and needy. People thinking he was mad would ask “How can you do so bad?” He’d say ”It’s easy they can’t chase or see me.” And he’d go on with some disdain to justify and thus explain how all his actions were in fact quite good. His victims in the handicapped niche were in...Read On

15

The Truly Special People---Investment Bankers

They know how to cover down side risk

Above the mundane mortal plane in which most men survive, there soars an anointed regal clan that’s guaranteed to thrive. A group that eats the finest foods whenever it fêtes and dines. A crowd that wears the finest clothes and drinks the finest wines. A clan that goes in private jets on fun-filled world hops. A bunch that pockets billions, all by playing Credit Default Swaps. ...Read On

16

There are No Long-Term Consequences When You’re Old!

You’ll be gone before they can occur!

A wondrous thing that happens as your exit becomes near, is that bad “long-term” consequences need not cause you fear! Bottom line: there’s no “long-term” when soon you’ll see your savior! The construct is just meaningless, so why restrain behavior? Melanoma matters not, go tan in the bright sun. Enjoy your favorite cigarette after the browning’s done. Who cares if cholesterol...Read On

7

There is Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself?

How a famous quote is really about reaction times.

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” I’ve heard this many times. And as far as I know, this Roosevelt quote has not been explored much in rhymes. Now I admit that the line sounds great, profound and deep yet terse. But let’s take a calming, deep slow breath and proceed with some thoughtful verse. Consider a crocodile chewing your leg. It would definitely make a loud crunch. ...Read On

10

To Dance Like A Bird---A Tribute to Swan Lake

An inadequate expression of gratitude for a masterpiece.

It is both wondrous and surreal watching Odette and Odile dancing in the masterpiece Swan Lake. Delicate grace and great technique make my eyes tear and my knees weak as powerful emotions come awake. I can’t describe with any words the dancers moving like the birds each arm aflutter like a feathered wing. I have no way I can convey the painfully sad yet beautiful way the...Read On

24

To The Aging Love of My Life

The manifestations of love transform with old age, but are just as beautiful.

When we first met your perfect skin felt smooth to my slow touch. I know now that was one small reason why I loved so much. When we first kissed your long black tresses almost touched the ground. Another small joy making you so nice to be around. When we first loved your agile body intertwined with mine. To feel as if we both were one was truly quite divine. The day we wed...Read On

10

True Love is Not Always Enough

A man is cast aside by the one who loves him most because of his past sins.

I swore to you the purest love. You told me that was sweet. I begged for us to live together, and kneeled down at your feet. I pleaded that you take me back. I said, “I need you so!” I cried like I had when a child  so many years ago. I promised this time I would help with food and heat and rent. That you would have the final say on how all cash was spent. I asked you to...Read On

17

What a Difference One Word Can Make!

Words do matter.

A big roll of cash means that you can bet to win! A big roll of fat can have you dosing insulin. Being fabulously rich means going where you want to go! Eating fabulously rich might mean pain in your big toe. Getting off of a bus is just a mundane boring event. Getting off on a bus means that bail money will have to be sent. Being dimly lit can be relaxing and romantic. Being dimly witted...Read On

15

What Can I Change to Make You Love Me?

A man promises he will change whatever he must to prove his true love.

You must believe me when I say I love you. There has to be a way to make you see. Whatever change I must make I will do it. I pray that you will listen to my plea. Do you want me to become much thinner? To lose my flab and get a firm six-pack? I will starve and run ten miles each morning. Then do ten thousand crunches on my back! Do you dislike my big round head’s baldness? Rather...Read On

16

Where Does The Missing Sock Go?

Steps can be taken to minimize frustration, even if it’s a parallel universe.

An irritating thing in life that really gets me pissed, is searching for the one damn sock that invariably gets missed. I take great care to fill my washer with sock pairs that match. But somehow one sock disappears when I open my dryer latch! I wind up with the one odd guy that goes to a special drawer. And after every dryer load that drawer gets filled up more. Is there...Read On

Romance (1)

33
Recommended Read

A Letter from Raymond

A couple delivers a lost love letter to the woman who never received it in 1949.

I turned to watch Alexis coming down the stairs. After twenty years she still took my breath away. “Why the stare?” Alex asked. “Because you’re more beautiful at forty-five than you were at twenty-five,” I answered. Alex walked up and kissed me. “Keep that up and you won’t get any sleep tonight!” she said as she winked at me. “Now what’s all the shouting about? Why did you drag me...Read On

Science Fiction(2)

22

Christmas Eve 2064: Almost Everyone Gets the Right Gift

Christmas is eco-friendly, gift giving is a breeze, families are close, and almost all are happy.

“Daddy, he is soooooooo beautiful!” my eight-year-old daughter Susie cooed. He was. The magnificent white unicorn was on his hind legs. His long mane was flowing, embedded diamonds in his horn twinkled in the moonlight, and his whinnying was reverberating throughout our family room. Susie was in my lap. Her gorgeous blue eyes were open wide and she was smiling from ear to ear. “I think...Read On

19

Manny’s Moon

A summer getaway becomes so much more. (What I would have entered in the contest if eligible.)

2012, All Rights Reserved “I’m deserting you for a while,” Eve said. “I’m going shopping today. Tell me that you’ll miss me. I love it when you tell me that you’ll miss me.” “I’ll miss you,” I responded. “I’ll show you how much when you get back.” Eve smiled and her beautiful eyes were twinkling. I loved bantering with her in bed in the morning. “And I don’t know what you’re...Read On

Songs(1)

11

Two Blankets and a Stick

My annual contribution; a song I wrote for my cousin as a Christmas gift.

Well, I wrote the followin’ song for my cousin as a Christmas gift. She got kinda mad at me when I told her instead a payin’ the cemetery folk to put blankets on her mom and daddy’s grave to make ‘em easier to find in the snow, we could just drive big sticks into the ground. She’s gonna be buried with them, and she worried ‘bout how I might tend her grave if she went first. So I wrote...Read On