Forum posts made by shamelessflirt

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 25 Apr 2018 16:02

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 25 Apr 2018 15:47

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman go into a rather filthy local pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Irishman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Scotsman reaches into the mug, pinches the fly between his fingers and screams, "Spit it out, ya little bugger! Spit it out!"

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 19 Apr 2018 16:18

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a a joke?”

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 19 Apr 2018 16:15

A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here.

" "Why not?" asks the snake.

"You can't hold your liquor."

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 19 Apr 2018 16:11

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Freddy?"

Topic Can't create a sig
Posted 13 Apr 2018 17:36

Mega-congrats on achieving this milestone in your literary career. ;) Your link is working, at least for me. Just a suggestion -- you might want to consider linking to the 'All Stories' list on your profile instead of the one you're now using.

Now carry on in a most Shameless manner. ;)

glasses8

Got it, Thank you!

Topic Can't create a sig
Posted 13 Apr 2018 01:25

OK, I get a critical error when trying to save but it appears to work dontknow

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 11 Apr 2018 22:26

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you, gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."
So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket.

The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me."

He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.
When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?"

The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."

The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth.

The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again."
He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."

The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it."
He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.
The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills with a smile on his face, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100, you just LOST $100, why are you smiling??"

The drunk says, "you see the guy over there I've been drinking with all this time?
I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 11 Apr 2018 22:08

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here."

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 11 Apr 2018 22:06

Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Blood," orders the first vampire.

"Make it two," says the second.

The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"

"Plasma," says the vampire.

"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light.

Topic A guy walks into a bar ...
Posted 11 Apr 2018 21:58


So a guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets him on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have."

The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner.

After scuttling over to it, the octopus sits down and plays a few bars

the man asks the bartender to pay up.

"Hold on" says the bartender and hands over a guitar.

The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song.

The man again asks the bartender to pay up.

"Just a minute, I think I've got something else here." The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar.

The octopus moves around them, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, "what's wrong? Can't you play it?"

The octopus says, "play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna have my way with it!

Topic Can't create a sig
Posted 09 Apr 2018 16:48

I've been trying since I was able to post links, but the link keeps disappearing. Are there different rules for signatures?

You need to make 20 posts before you can post links and images, it's a preventative measure to help tackle spammers, from FAQ Forum.

Hope that helps. happy8



https://jerrymabbott.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/img_3776.jpg?w=748

clearly that's not the case

Topic Can't create a sig
Posted 08 Apr 2018 20:17

I've been trying since I was able to post links, but the link keeps disappearing. Are there different rules for signatures?

Topic Riddle me this
Posted 04 Apr 2018 11:43

I would say 'Nine' since the one brother is the same to all of his sisters. Welcome to Stories Space, Hugh. hello2

How is it possible to make Twelve pence (or cents) with just two coins when one of the coins is not a Ten Pence (or cent) piece?



I thought someone would have guessed this by now ... The answer is 10p and 2p, one of them isn't 10p but the other one is.


New Riddle:
I have cities but no houses, mountains but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?

Topic The Cavern club
Posted 31 Mar 2018 05:39

https://www.youtube.com/embed/T4eF-cp0w48?rel=0

Topic The Cavern club
Posted 31 Mar 2018 05:07

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BSd80fTkxYY?rel=0

Topic Congregation of squirrels
Posted 30 Mar 2018 09:31

Q. What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny!

Q. Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?
A. It might crack up!

Q. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A. With a hare-dryer!

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A. Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

Q. What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A. It’s been nice gnawing you!

Q. How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?
A. He said it was eggs-cellent!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny travel?
A. By hare-plane!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
A. Eggs-ercise and hare-robics!

Q. Why did the Easter egg hide?
A. He was a little chicken!

Topic Congregation of squirrels
Posted 30 Mar 2018 09:26

https://rlv.zcache.com/funny_easter_bunny_joke_card-rd773b80fbb5f4e60bffc99e78488d67b_xvuat_8byvr_630.jpg?view_padding=%5B285%2C0%2C285%2C0%5D


Bunny farts!

Topic Congregation of squirrels
Posted 30 Mar 2018 09:21

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6d/7e/ee/6d7eee8769aa74cccc1b5a46c8507821.jpg

Topic Congregation of squirrels
Posted 30 Mar 2018 09:15

Squirrels had overrun three churches in Fareham Town, Hampshire, UK. This amusing story was told to us by an old friend from the South coast of England:

The vicars had tried everything in their power to remove them. After a great deal of prayer, the churchwardens of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? However, the squirrels continued to multiply.

The second church's wardens also decided that they could not harm any of God's creatures; so they purchased some humane traps, caught the miscreants and set the squirrels free outside of town in the New Forest. Several days later, the squirrels returned much to the Parish Council's horror.

It was only the third church, Holy Trinity, which succeeded in keeping the intruders away. The vicar baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Topic Riddle me this
Posted 28 Mar 2018 20:00

Not only are you shameless you are clever! I’ve cheated and had a friend help me. The answer we believe is “ that they were married ?”

New riddle: I have branches, sometimes a few and other times a hundred or more, but I have no fruit, trunk or leaves. What am I?

A bank!


New riddle:
Mr. and Mrs. Mustard have six daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the Mustard family?

Topic So I held my breath till I turned "Blue"
Posted 28 Mar 2018 19:39

You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar! Thank you!!

Topic Riddle me this
Posted 28 Mar 2018 14:29

A Ton.

I begin with five but lose two and yet four remains. How is this so?

Roman numeral IV.

You see a boat filled with people. The boat has not sunk, but when you look again you don't see a single person on the boat or in the water. Why?

Topic So I held my breath till I turned "Blue"
Posted 28 Mar 2018 07:36

And here I am. Rather than simply repost things you may have already seen I thought I'd show up with something fresh and new!

So if you like sappy romantic poetry, please check out my latest poem "Date night"


Yeah, I would include a link but I haven't been here long enough dontknow


Topic Looking for familiar faces
Posted 25 Mar 2018 19:35

You may recognize me from the other site, wondering who I might know here. dontknow