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Goodgulf the Wizard, Ogres and Amazons Part IV

Tags: escape

How Goodgulf gets the crown and then escapes.

After I was done showing Nell how important she was to me we lay on the floor holding each other. We had been left alone in the building for several hours and we were both getting a bit hungry.

"I wonder how long your mother plans on leaving us alone? These chains holding us to the floor could make using the latrine a bit difficult."

"Knowing my mother she probably will wait until she is sure we will be covered in our own waste. She thinks she is known as Queen Eris the Fearsome but she is actually know as Queen Eris the Compassionless."

"How did your father ever get involved with her? For the short time that I was with him he seemed a very fair minded and likable being. He didn't really seem to be her type at all."

"It was an arranged marriage. They had never met before their wedding and being the heirs to the respective crowns they weren't given a real choice in the matter, I was lucky because I am not the crown heir."

"Don't be too worried about needing to go, I will make a hole in the floor when we need one."

"Goodgulf, I never really realized how handy a wizard can be."

Just them we heard the noise of a door closing coming from the back of the building. A few moments later an Amazon walked into the room she was carrying several bowls of food.

Nell let out a sigh of relief. "Rommie! How are you? I missed you!"

"Your mom forbid anybody to bring you food. I am always up for pissing off your mom." She stood a little taller than Nell with blonde hair and blue eyes. "So who is your friend here Nell?"

"This is Goodgulf the Wizard," I tilted me head to the new Amazon in greeting, "and, Goodgulf, this is my BFF Andromeda."

"Thank you very much for the food Andromeda, I was getting a might bit peckish." I reached for one of the bowls and handed it to Nell. That bowl had some sort of cooked vegetables and I thought Nell would like it better. I took the other bowl and looked inside of it. There appeared to be some sort of fried meat in it.

I took a piece of it and tasted it. I then got my bottle of ground horseradish sauce from my pack and poured some onto my meal.

"This is pretty good Rommie, what is it?" I was curious.

"It is one of our village specialties, fried buffalo testicles." And she said it with a huge smile on her face. But I have to admit that it sure tasted better than fried asshole of skunk.

We ate in silence for a few minutes. I used the time to look at Rommie with my second sight. She had the same kind of clouding over her eyes that the other Amazons had.

"Rommie, I have noticed that you seem to have some sort of mystical clouding over your eyesight. It seems to be rather old and starting to unravel. I don't know how it clouds your eyesight but I think that I can remove it if you will let me." I could see the loose ends.

"Really? Will it hurt for you to remove it? I had no idea there was anything there. Yeah, go ahead and remove it. Even if it is painful, I am an Amazon and I live for pain!"

Nell just shock her head, "Stop being such a drama queen Rommie. Geez, you just have to be the center of attention."

I reached out through my second sight and started playing with the loose ends until I pulled one and felt the entire cloud unravel. It just dissipated to nothing. "Look around and tell me if you notice anything different Rommie."

She blinked a few times and looked around the room. "I don't see anything that is different."

Then she looked at me and I knew what a piece of bacon being waved in front of a hungry puma felt.

"Oh Nell, Goodgulf is a real cutie. Do you mind if I borrow him for a few hours?"

I was trying to slip behind Nell but my left ankle was still chained to the ring in the floor. Nell stood up to her full height and looked straight at Rommie. "Goodgulf is my man and he is not going to be loaned to anybody-EVER!"

"I'll give you that reflex bow of mine you always liked Nell."

"No, Rommie!" Nell was adamant.

"I'll even throw in a gross of ogre steel arrow heads." Rommie kind of sing-songed that one.

"How many arrow heads?" Nell asked.

"NELL!" I was glaring at her and she came to her senses.

"No Rommie, Goodgulf is not a possession to be traded or loaned, we have something much deeper than that." Nell looked at me.

"I like to think that Nell and I are partners and I would never betray a partner." I realized that this was true and I hoped she felt the same about me.

"Well, I can see that I am a bit of a third wheel here unless I could interest the two of you in a threesome?" Rommie seemed a bit hopeful when she said that.

"I don't think that will happen Rommie. Nell gives me everything I want or need, there is nothing you could add to that." I could see the tension drain from Nell's face when I spoke.

"I think that Goodgulf and I need to be alone for a bit Rommie, I want to give him something he needs." She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to her.

Rommie just smiled and said,"I envy the two of you and I wish you the best of luck. Good night."

After Rommie left Nell and I started discussing how we would escape.

"My mother will keep her word and give you the crown but she won't let you leave the village with it Goodgulf. I have seen her do this before. She will have every Amazon watching you and if you try to leave with the crown they will attack you," Nell said.

"I have some ideas on how I can escape." I explained them to Nell and she had a difficult time not laughing when I got to the end of my plan. "Will you be able to use the diversion to escape from here Nell?"

"Oh yes, my main problem will be keeping a straight face before it happens and then running while I laugh after it happens."

"Good, then go to my cabin and wait for me. I plan on going straight to the Ogre village and I don't want you to run into any Amazon hunting parties. Give me your hands for a moment." I took Nell's hands in mine and cast the key spell so she would be able to get in and out of the cabin as she needed. "If you see something that looks like a Smurf in the cabin just leave it alone. It is actually a Feegle and they are good friends of mine. The Feegles and I have a mutual understanding. Plus I don't think even an Ogre could hurt a Feegle if he tried."

Nell sat back against the wall and went to sleep. I sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor and started searching for force lines with my second sight. There were several running through the village and they were fairly powerful. I was able to draw on one ground force and one air force line.

I had two spells to cast tomorrow. One was quite literally the flashiest spell I knew. The second spell was going to need a lot of energy to keep it going.

I sat there, relaxing and listening to Nell breathing as she slept. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day.

When the next morning dawned Queen Eris paid Nell and me a visit. She was accompanied by several of her Amazon guards.

"Look your Royal Highness, I solved your little puzzle." I couldn't help but be a bit smug as I held up my hands to show that the manacles were no longer looped.

"How do I know that you didn't use any wizardry to unloop them? That is a sure forfeit and I think you did." Eris still had that nasty sneer on her face.

"Then watch," I proceeded to put my chain through the manacle on Nell's left hand, pull it over her hand and back through the manacle so we were looped and then undid the loop very quickly so nobody could really see how it was done but they knew no spell was used.

Her Majesty was not pleased in the least.

"Unlock the puny human male but leave my daughter chained, we have her fate to decide." One of the guards had the key to remove my manacles and I was about to protest Nell being shackled when she spoke.

"Mother Dear, let me show you what I learned when I lived with Daddy," and Nell proceeded to rip the manacles of off her wrists and then her ankle. "Much better, I never really cared for chains as a fashion accessory."

"So you learned the Ogre Rage. Care to share that secret or will we have to rip it from you before your rather painful and messy death?" Eris still had that nasty sneer.

-Goodgulf, what are you doing? That Queen is pissed.-

-Shut up Swayvill, weren't you listening when Nell and I planned our escape last night?-

-I got bored and fell asleep when you and Nell turned down that blond hottie for a threesome. You two are so lame.-

-Just shut up Swayvill-

Eris handed me the crown as we were taken outside. The crown itself wasn't all that impressive, just a large steel ring that would fit around an Ogre's or an Amazon's head.

"Now you have the crown but every Amazon in this village is going to watch you. If you try to leave with the crown they have orders to stop you by any means and just in case you do escape, remember that we have Nell here to do with as we please." Again she still had that nasty sneer.

I looked over at Nell and she almost started laughing. She looked down and I could see that she was having a very difficult time controlling her giggles.

"You know that I am the president of the International Brotherhood of Mages, Wizards and Sorcerers Local 1107 and if you harm me then you will never get any spell casters to do any work you need?" It is true but I am also the only member. Chicken Butt Flats is way out in BFE land.

"I don't care." She still had that sneer.

I could see that just about every Amazon there was watching me very closely, I couldn't even burp without them knowing. I put the crown in my pack and faced Eris.

I started to get ready to release the first spell. "So every Amazon is watching me?"

And as Eris said "Yes" I simultaneously yelled "FLAIR!" And released the spell.

For a few moments I glowed brighter than the sun as I released a small amount of the energy that I had stored the night before. Pure pandemonium reigned and the Amazons closest to me we knocked unconscious for a few moments. I saw that Nell was high tailing it out of the village and it was time for me to go also but I had one last unplanned thing to do.

Eris was out cold at my feet so I pulled her shorts off her and used my second spell. This spell gave me speed and stamina as I ran. If the Amazons could move as fast as the Ogres I was going to need all of the speed I could get.

Why did I take her shorts? First, even though King Cruncher said it wasn't needed I thought he would appreciate the humor and second, I just wanted to humiliate Queen Eris.

I flew out of the village and stopped to get my directions. Eris must have come to because I could hear her screaming in rage, "BRING ME THE HEAD OF THAT WIZARD! I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS WITH REST OF HIS BODY BUT I WANT HIS HEAD!"

Hearing her rage like that reminded me of an old children's story with a queen that was always screaming, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" but in this case it was "Off with her pants."

Once I knew which direction I wanted I ran. I did see some of the Amazons but not many. I did run through the Saber Beaked Penguin nest and there were several hatchlings with their mom but I was gone so fast that mama didn't have time to react.

I zipped over the troll bridge while the troll was hassling a pair of elf maidens. I pushed the troll off the bridge as I ran past.
It took me a few hours running full out to reach the Ogre village. When I arrived I was taken directly to King Crusher.

"Wow, crown and panties. You deserve the full reward." The King sounded impressed. "Do you understand the significance of stealing Amazon Queen's panties? She has been dethroned."

"I didn't know that. That explains her anger, but you and I need to have a private discussion, Your Majesty."

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