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December 22

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Published 5 years ago
I felt the chill in the wind as I walked. I couldn’t bear the pain, my feelings always pondered towards her. The medications didn’t work, nothing really worked. Every cut I made on my arm before sleeping every night just sufficed for that day’s night. I found the solution to relieve myself from her clasp.

Why did she leave? Did I not love her enough? Or did she think I betrayed her? I didn’t have any answers and on every cut, I made I tried finding these answers and sleep when my brain got tired of the same sh**. My parents weren’t aware of anything, perks of staying far away from them I guess. I left my job, left all my friends and insulted one who visited me. I hardly ate or slept, I forgot when I took a bath last and often wonder who the face in the mirror was. My insanity grew, and I thought to end this once and for all. No regrets, no cut marks, no more screaming in the middle of the night, no more just no more.

Everything around me stood still, no breeze, no people. The only thing I observed was the clouds getting greyer, it’s too early I murmured. The light around me was consumed by something, resembling or mocking me. I don’t want to remember what day it is or what the significance it holds. To be honest, I wished this day did not happen, at all. But I can’t forget this day. Two years back I proposed here, kneeling in front of her when all passers-by watched us. Some were smiling, and some were irked as it’s a societal disobedience. I cared less, and all I saw was her giggling and her hand extending to accept my rose to be my better half.

With her, I felt I was perfect. I forgot what the world said or who died or who got engaged or who stopped talking to me. She was everything to me. Today I am crossing the place where I proposed to her, looking at it for the last time as I advanced towards the hill. I checked the things in my pockets. Earlier the shop keeper was perplexed when I bought these things, I just lied and left. He will see me in the news soon, smiled at my own philosophy. Some live and make it to the headlines and some die and achieve that. Yes, I thought of suicide, a final deep cut on my wrist and die of feeling the physical pain rather than mental torture.

I remembered our conversation as I walked towards the hill.

“Why this place?” she questioned, her hands caressing mine overlooking the city.

“The oxygen here is pretty pure.” I answered taking a deep breath.

“Come on that’s not the reason but it’s true, though.”

“I like this place, peaceful and I could have you all to myself.” I replied with a wink.

“I am all yours baby, promise me you never gonna leave me.” She cooed.

I will never leave you. When I stop breathing, I would die holding your hand." I asserted.

Tears were rolling on her cheeks, and I hugged her. She whispered “I love you, and I don’t like when you cry.”

I love you too I whispered wiping my tears when I reached the place where we used to sit and name our children. I sat there imagining her beside me holding my hand, taking the sharp razor to make the final cut on my arm.

“Do you know why our anniversary is special?” she used to ask me.

“Why?” I would ask innocently.

“It’s solstice a longest night and shortest day” she answers while she enjoys hitting on my back of the head

“The dates vary” I question her.

“Still it’s easy to remember” she answers with a big grin.


I advanced the razor on my arm and I felt the chill when it touched my skin. I was about to apply pressure when I heard the voice.

“What you will get by doing that?”

It’s a female voice so soft yet confidant.


In a calm voice “it matters not but I want you to hear a story, of a girl. After that you could proceed as you planned. The night is long and you have all the time you need”

Something was strange about her, her words soothed me and I obliged without retorting.

“So we have an accord, thanks. It’s a story of girl who lives by the seashore. She played in the sand, made castles and collected conch and shells. The typhoon hit their village and it changed their lives in minutes. That girl and the family had the advance alarm and climbed the terrace while she watched other houses getting vanished by nature. She watched the disaster happen and she couldn’t help it. After about 8 hours, nature calmed and they went down to look for some food. Still there was waist length water and she observed bloated and deformed bodies of people she knew of kids she played with. It was hard for the girl but she picked up herself and made a vow to save lives till her last breath.”

I took my razor away from my hand seeing her point. I might have lost her but it’s about time I make peace and let her go. It made sense.

She made me think over my decision. Suicide was never an option. I turned to thank her, she was nowhere. I threw the razor and looked around. She was there at far caressing a place and she put a rose onto it and left.

I ran but I couldn’t get hold of her .I returned back to the place where the rose was. It came with a note that said,

“When there is life there is hope”.


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