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Re-Gifted Misinformation

We can't always believe what we are repeatedly told (and sing about)...

Santa uses flying caribou, not reindeer.

It’s true.

Reindeer and caribou are the same species and essentially the same animal. However, and we’ve all seen the pictures and movies, the jolly fella’s sleigh pullers are pretty big. Reindeer are diminutive in comparison, more like a stocky, white-tailed deer. It’s believed that the caribou’s Canadian Arctic diet is the main reason for the size differential.

In addition, we know where the big guy lives. Canada. His postal code is HOH OHO. Caribou also live in Canada whereas reindeer live in Europe and Asia. Nick is not going to import his transportation. Tariffs and Canada Customs scrutiny would make this venture cost prohibitive.

A second bit of re-gifted misinformation – and it’s a real kicker – Santa’s caribou are all girls.

Male caribou (and reindeer) lose their antlers after rutting season, which is during November, give or take a week or two. Females, on the other hand, retain their antlers during the winter months.

Have you ever seen a photo of Santa's flying herd without antlers? I didn't think so.

Since they are eating for two, the pregnant caribou need their antler weapons to push the gluttonous boys to the side when foraging for food. Females then lose their antlers in late spring, and begin growing their new set shortly after that.

So, Santa’s magical caribou are actually all expecting females. Think about that for a moment, and what it actually means. This situation reminds me of a classic Frank and Ernest comic strip.

When Frank and Ernest comment on the greatness of Fred Astaire, a woman standing next to the boys interjects, “Sure he was great, but don’t forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards and in high heels.”

In conclusion, I believe Santa Claus, and his assorted international aliases, should be investigated for this forced labor obscenity. In addition, and this is just an observation, males of the Canadian Arctic deer family are selfish, inconsiderate slackers.

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