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My Life

Hi, I'm Martyna Smith. I was born September 22nd. My friends call me Marty and my best friend calls me penguin.

If I were to tell people my story they would call me an attention seeker. Maybe attention is exactly what I need.

Somewhere in this world people like me don't want to die. We want to be saved.

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you just can never seem to. How you hurt yourself in the outside to try and kill what ever is on the inside.

I know what it's like to be so hurt you think the only answer is suicide. I've been suicidal.

I know how some people struggle to get up in the morning. Then they are pissed at themselves because they woke up.

I know what it's like to be hurt by people. I know what it's like to be bullied. They say that words will never hurt you but look where some people end up after those words are said. Have any of them stopped and thought about how what they said affected someone's life?

Words stay more than anything. Scars may heal but those words that were said will always be in the back of your mind. No matter what you do.

Why do I feel like this? It's quite simple actually.

My parents have never been there for me. I'm too afraid to ask people for help in fear of rejection and because I'm not used to having people help me through life.

When I was four my father and mother divorced. My dad soon met a woman and made her my step mothers. She was very controlling. My mom on the other hand married a man when I was five. He was the reincarnation of the devil. This man happened to be gay. He forced my brother to do things to him and he did horrible things to all of us. We tried to tell my mother but she didn't believe us. She never believed us. This man, after seven years of hell, walked out of our lives. Never to be seen again. A while later my mom met a guy who was a murderer and fell in love with him. Little did she know that he was a horrible person. He would make fun of me until I ran to my room crying. I still remember ever time that I would lay In my bed crying because of this man. Nobody knew and when I would speak of it there would be consequences I had to deal with. One of theses being 'Beat Down In The Back'. This is where we would be taken to the back and he would get to beat us up. He did this to my brother the most. After a while he left. I was so scared he would come back. He was put in jail twice. I never wanted to see him again. I'm still afraid he will come back. He's out of jail and I'm scared. I've had a lot of hurt in my life that I can't even bring up right how. I'm way too hurt for it. I remember sitting in the shower with a broken glass making cut after cut. I remember my mom telling me I was a horrible daughter and that I'll I wanted was her money. I remember almost going to live with my dad but she stopped me. I remember my sister being chased around with a baseball bat. I remember being told that I would be a total fuck up like my brother and sister. I remember so much more but it's to painful to write.

If I can get through what I am, I know you can make it as well.

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