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Shakespeare (A Day in the Life)

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“Have you put the bins out Shaky?”

“Dearest Anne, for the love of all that is holy, please stop calling me Shaky.”

“Okay Billy, what are you up to?”

“I’m trying to think. My quill hasn’t moved in days. No ink on yonder parchment writes.”

“Why do you insist on talking like that all the time? Why don’t you just say that you’ve run out of ideas?”

“Oh Anne, I am a writer and poet. I speak the language of love and tragedy.”

“Well, it’s getting on my nerves. Anyway, I can tell you a story all about love and tragedy.”

“You know of such a tail dearest wife.”

“Oh yes, and unlike your rubbish, this really happened.”

“Pray dear wife, breathe in the morning air and through your lips of divine splendour, bestow on mine ears such a tale of love and tragedy.”

“Do you mean, tell you what happened?”


“No wonder people fall asleep through your plays.” Well, you know Mr Capulet the baker. He has had a long running feud with the Montague’s who run the butchers on the High Street.”

“Yes my dearest, I am aware of such a feud. I have heard it spoken of in The Hanover Tavern. Mr Montague was peeved to the point of piqué when the Capulet’s kept parking their horse and cart across his driveway. That is indeed a tragic matter, but unworthy of such writings to provide entertainment.”

“I haven’t told you the best bit yet.”

“You mean there is more to this story than meets the eye.”

“Oh yes Billy boy, much more. You see, the Capulet’s have a son called Rodney. Well, he only went and fell in love with the Montague’s daughter, Julie. You know, the skinny one with long blonde hair.”

“But dearest Anne, she is but the tender age of thirteen.”

“Get real Shaky, this is 1597, kids grow up so fast these days. Anyway, one night old man Capulet came home from the tavern and caught Rodney serenading young Julie on her balcony. He went absolutely mental with rage.”

“I canst imagine my dear. But this is none other than a small domestic quarrel. I willst agree that it is indeed tragic and contains an element of love interest, but is nonetheless, a trivial matter of scant importance. It is much ado about nothing.”

“I haven’t told you the best bit yet. One night last week, Julie sneaked out and went for a meal with Rodney. They booked a table at The Coriolanus Seafood Cafe. They must have eaten some dodgy shellfish because they both got food poisoning and died.”

“What is that, they both died?”

“Oh yes, in each other’s arms no less, and a puddle of vomit. Probably better you leave that bit out.”

“My dearest Anne, this is indeed a tragic tale of unrequited love and tragedy.”

“Ah, I thought you’d like that one. There’s more, thanks to Shylock the undertaker, the family feud is now over.”

“Shylock the undertaker ended the feud. How can this be?”

“It’s simple really; Shylock was doing a two for one offer on burials.”

“Two for one offer, whatever do you mean dearest wife of mine?”

“Simple, you cut a voucher out of The Stratford Weekly Times and Shylock will give you two funerals for the price of one. I’ve heard that he got a bit mixed up with his measurements. He ordered some coffins and they came back too big. To get rid of them, he bungs two bodies in one and digs a deeper hole. Of course, the Capulet’s and Montague’s couldn’t resist such a bargain and decided to end their feud. So, all’s well that ends well I suppose.”

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