On my way to you, I think of all the things I should be doing today. Forgive me, you are never a bother. I walk in and see you so still. I climb in beside you and hold your hand. When you finally wake up and smile, we hug so tight. Time stands still. We each make the sounds we so often make. I can not let go to talk with my hands.

What do I say or do that I didn't before? No words come, just the sound of my breath as my heart swells and I try to relax.

"Forgive me," I want to say because I know you will soon go away.

Hours feel like minutes or the other way around. When I feel you relax so completely, I know what you have finally found. Your smile is not as bright as it was before and your eyes tell me you will see me no more. My heart is broken, but the tears will not come.

I ask you to forgive me please, once more.

Your age was fifteen but your mind was only four. I ask to be forgiven but is it for you or for me? Everyone tells me I did all I could but my heart will not give me peace. As I walk out the door, not caring where I am going, I know that there will be another child that will need me. I will go a running, only to ask to be forgiven a thousand times more. 

This is for J.C. I love you and miss you, my darling baby boy.