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Ain't Average

Tags: mussings

I wasn't average. I was told that I had the intelligence of an eraser. Dale Earnhardt was my hero.  I was born with a deformity that caused my knuckles to drag the ground and I craved bananas.

Later on, in life, I had a bit-part in a Tarzan movie that was filmed in Terre Haute, Indiana. Granny wasn't too keen on crossing the Mason and Dixie line to do it.  I won a can of Alpo dog food for it. Granny used it to make a meatloaf. It's especially appetising if mixed with frog eggs to hold it together while cooking over the fires. The same fires that are used in the sour mash still.

It seems only like yesterday, that granny whittled grandpa a new wooden leg. Canned green beans in old brass spitoons. She said the brass added spice for the afterlife. Later on, in life, I was told it stunted my whistle. Back in those days, whistles had cork balls and they floated. Mine dragged behind me leaving tracks in the Georgia clay. When it rained the tracks would become small puddles that spawned mosquitoes as large as salamanders.

I remember that she would wrap her lips around grandpas 1971 Kawasaki moto-cycle exhaust pipe. It had red tassels on the handle grips. He would jump-start it with his wooden leg  The fumes made her brown eyes gloss and inflated her blue goiter. It's a good thing we had a string tied to her toe she or would have been mooning over Miami. I think she thought in her mind, that she was leaving on a jet plane after drinking to much dandelion wine.  

She taught me, The Lard's Prayer. Granny had once been a nun married to the church, a tabernacle choir and a drummer who played with the Waylon Jennings band. Then she met grandpa leaving a bank with a shopping bag that died red. He was driving away on the Kawaski. The one with the tassels on the handle grips.  

"Yea, though ah walk through th' fields of cotton, ah will fear no boll weevil, fo' mah sared-off shotgun is wif me. Mah co'n licker an' Redman tobaccy t'comfo't me."

Lard does makes for a great ice cream cone. Just sprinkle it with a teaspoon of sugar for a single dip. Add some melted Ex-Lax Chocolate for birthday parties. 


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