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A Lover Lost...

"This is a story of loss and bereavement."
Votes 2
Rating 5
Comments 2
Likes Stories Space Logo 1
Views 52
Read Time 4 min
Published 1 week ago

Author's Notes

"This is just my own way of expressing what I’m feeling — not once, but twice! One sister following in the other’s footsteps. I’m struggling — I feel like I’ve lost a friend. Am I the only one? Is it all in my mind or am I being stupid? Does anyone else feel the same way?"

My dearest Darling, You’ve meant so much to me since we’ve been together. You’ve been a beacon of hope, allowing me to express myself in ways I didn’t know I needed. You may not even know it, but you encouraged me so much. You’ve helped me have the confidence to write. You’ve nurtured my meagre talents and I have blossomed. When I was in a dark place, there you were, bright and cheerful. You offered sanctuary; a place where I could relax and maybe find myself just a little bit. Somehow, I even made friends through you. Friends in distant parts of the world! Not the superficial kind, but ones who share an interest in writing and becoming better at what we do. Friends who care. Whenever I’ve entered you I’ve been in my happy place. Yes, I admit I’ve spent far too much time cradled in your welcoming arms — time that I should have spent elsewhere if truth be told. You have been a naughty temptress and I have not had the self-discipline to stay away from you. But now you’ve changed and I feel like I’ve lost an old friend as well as a lover. You told me it was going to happen, but I didn’t realise how big an impact it would have. You weren’t away for very long but when you returned it was as if you had a completely new personality. How is that possible? What could have precipitated such a drastic alteration? Could I not have helped in some way? I know I’ve not been perfect. I’ve said things that were not always nice or understood. But I’ve always done what I thought was right and I’m sorry if that has driven a wedge between us. You never used to worry about my sexuality or gender. You didn’t care if I was straight or gay, bi or trans. It didn’t matter if I was a cross-dresser. Now you keep asking me these questions and I feel uncomfortable. Don’t you know me? Don’t you realise that I can’t be put in a box? That I don’t want to be put in a box? You should know I’m more complicated than that. Now it’s almost as if you want to pimp me out. But that’s not what I want. If I did, I‘m sure there are other places I could go for that. Here — with you — is where I come to be comfortable in my own skin; to make friends on my own terms. Over the months and years, I have naturally connected with those who share common thoughts and values. It’s true that I need you more than you need me. That’s always been the case and I understand. I know you won’t —can’t — go back to how you were. You mean so much to so many, but I needed to tell you how I feel, even if it’s not important to you anymore. I wake up in the night full of sadness, frustration and anger. I know that sounds silly, but I miss the old you more than you can probably understand. Much more than I should, no doubt. It’s the little things, you see; you were so open to me once. An open book, full of information and easy to read. Now you’re different. You’re so compartmentalised. Everything is in a separate box and I’m not sure what is where with you at this difficult time. When I come to visit you throw me out as if I never meant anything to you. After all our time together It’s hard to see you being so withdrawn. I know the information is in there — inside your complex, convoluted mind — but you’re not sharing anymore. How many words have I written whilst in your arms? Thousands! Once, you kept count, but I no longer know. If we disagreed on the best phrase or punctuation you kept a record to remind me. I valued that, and learned from it — and if I forgot it was so easy for me to check. I cannot do that know. Does it not matter to you? I like that we shared those little nuggets. I hope that soon we can share them again, for these things make a difference to me. Oh, I suppose things will improve eventually. I will work out your new ways and your new look, but — somehow — the magic has gone and the sad thing is, I do not know if it will return. What will happen now, my love? What next? You told me things would be better once you’d changed, yet I feel so incredibly lost and alone. It feels like we’ve gone backwards I so many ways. Do we still have a future together my darling? Do you even care? I’m sorry if this sounds so negative. I had such high hopes for us — for our future together. But the dark is descending once more. Can you — will you — help me find the light? All my love Jason

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