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In Defense of Seniors Stalking Young Women: One Senior Speaks Out

When a 75-year-old male stalks a 35-year-old woman everyone benefits.

A recent posting echoed the popular belief that it is inappropriate for senior males to stalk younger women. Though understandable this belief is misguided. When a senior stalks a young lady the senior, society as a whole, and thus even the young stalkee all come out ahead.

(1) A senior stalking a young woman is a healthier senior.

“If you’re gonna stalk then you have to walk….” This age-old adage is as true now as it was when first grunted by hunters in the Paleolithic era. Stalking is great exercise for a senior male, but only if the target is healthy and young and can thus move at a brisk pace. If the stalkee is old or feeble, the stalking simply mimics the well-studied mating ritual of the Giant Galapagos Tortoise. (The male doggedly follows the younger forward-walking female for days, but the chase only covers a distance of thirty feet.)

In addition to basic endurance, a senior needs both flexibility and agility when stalking a young lady. Young women can quickly pivot or turn to glance backwards or to the side. A good stalker has to be able to rapidly duck into a doorway or crouch behind a car to avoid identification and arrest. If a young stalkee lives in a three or four floor walk-up, the senior stalker derives an additional cardio-vascular benefit.

Not surprisingly, the health benefits are even greater for walker-stalkers--i.e.--those senior male stalkers that use walkers. In addition to everything mentioned above, walker-stalkers develop tremendous upper-body, arm, and neck strength. (This is especially true for walker-stalkers that are extremely bent over.) And walker-stalkers who text while stalking are known to develop and maintain incredibly high levels of hand-eye coordination (if they survive).

(2) Senior stalkers of young ladies keep healthcare costs down for everyone.

The reduced healthcare costs occur via two distinctly different mechanisms. The first involves those stalkers who stay healthier because of the stalking. They require less doctor care, file fewer insurance claims, and thus reduce costs to healthcare providers. The second involves those stalkers who suddenly expire because of the stalking, as is the case with many texting walker-stalkers. They lower health-care costs even more because they subsequently file no insurance claims at all! In fact, it is the texting walker-stalkers who provide the biggest cost reduction benefit to the population via this latter mechanism. They have accidents in disproportionately high numbers. Texting walker-stalkers often roll out in front of buses or wind up at the bottom of swimming pools and thus no longer drain the health-care system of any resources whatsoever.

(3) Seniors stalking younger women stimulate the economy.

Senior stalkers use expensive, specialized products that have to be replaced more often because of their vigorous stalking. Be it special stalking shoes for the hammer-toed, night-vision glasses, super-light video camcorders, or customized pocket nose-hair removers, senior stalkers plunk down billions each year to enhance their stalking experience. Not too surprisingly it is texting walker-stalkers that deserve special mention once again. They provide more stimulus than their counterparts because they use a unique array of additional products. For example, it is estimated that tennis ball manufacturing profits would drop at least twenty percent were it not for the many walkers that use tennis balls on the bottom of walker legs.

When all factors are considered, senior stalkers pursuing young women benefit themselves and society. They should not be denigrated; they should be encouraged and thanked for their efforts.

And senior texting walker-stalkers should be held in the highest regard. Over and above the contributions previously mentioned, they help raise the morale of their bedridden counterparts via Twitter and Facebook when their messages are displayed on internet-ready big screen TV’s in well-equipped hospitals and nursing homes. It’s true that texting walker-stalkers will at times slow auto or train traffic so streets or tracks can be cleaned up and accident investigations completed. But that seems a small price to pay when balanced against their other contributions.

This story is protected by International Copyright Law, by the author, all rights reserved. If found posted anywhere other than storiesspace.com with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.

Copyright © © Lee Goldberg 2011, 2012, 2013. All Rights Reserved. Contact info: leegpoetry@gmail.com

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