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LousyNick's Guide To Dancing Badly - Or Your Money Back

LousyNick's Guide To Dancing Badly - Or Your Money Back

Get up offa that thing...and dance till you feel better. Alright, stop - hammertime!


The very word fills many of us with terror, as we contemplate embarrassing ourselves in front of friends, acquaintances, enemies and total strangers by flailing around like drunken monkeys on Ritalin (although, to be fair, even drunken monkeys can be pretty agile, not to mention adorable - the same can't always be said of us tail-less primates).

Sadly, no matter how much we may try to avoid it, we may eventually have to drag our sorry butts to the dance floor and attempt to, as the kids used to say, get down with our funky selves.

But what then? How do us terrible dancers dance without committing social suicide? Pfft. Don’t worry about that - just be comfortable and follow your own style. Pretty much everybody’s faking it – most of the people on the dance floor aren’t professional dancers, you know.

But if you’re really stuck for moves, and you don't feel up to trying to waltz or mambo or whatever, here are a few fun simple moves to try*.

The Carlton: Have you ever seen The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? No? Man, kids today... Anyhoo, if you have, then you know what I'm talking about. This one may be a little nerdy, but it’s actually pretty difficult (Alfonso Ribeiro, who played Carlton, was a dancer as a kid, which probably doesn't help his street cred much) and a heck of a lot of fun.

The Moonwalk: Yes, this one’s almost as old as the real first moonwalk (on the actual moon, we mean). But pull it off properly and you’ll look pretty smooth. And someone’s bound to challenge you with their own moonwalking skills, leading to an epic battle that will live on in the annals of history.

The Bus Stop: The standard move for folks trying to hold onto their drinks or their conversation on the dance floor. Step to the side with your right foot, bring your left foot in, tap, repeat, switch directions, and repeat the whole thing. If you don’t have a drink, add a few spins, walks and whatever else as needed. Not exactly spectacular, but it’s hard to get this one wrong.
The Pop and Lock: Kind of a combination between the robot and the boogaloo. Move as if it’s happening frame-by-frame (pause after every second or so of motion), then quickly move your body like a snake, then dance normlly, abruptly stop, let your limbs dangle like a puppet’s. Add fast forwards, liquid dancing, slow motion, vibrating your body, stops and slides as needed. Not an easy one to pull off, but kind of impressive when you get it right.

Of course, the style of dancing that’s considered acceptable depends on the party. It may be good silly fun to do the funky chicken at an 80s-themed party, but social suicide to whip it out at a salsa club. But there are still some moves you should always avoid like the plague (unless you have no shame, which is perfectly acceptable).

The Robot: you know, where you move really stiffly and mechanically, like Star Wars’ 3CPO. Yes, this was lots of fun back when it was new. But that was decades ago, and now we have actual robots that can do this way better then you can. Seriously, they will school you hard.

That Thing Britney/Miley/Madonna/Whoever Does: Whatever it is, it probably wouldn’t work for her without backup dancers and weird outfits, and it’s definitely not going to work for you. Also, no meat dresses or fire-shooting bras, thank you very much.

The Infinite Loop: Look, nobody expects you to pull off a vast repertoire of fancy moves (unless you’re on Dancing with the Stars). But if you’re going to be strutting your stuff for four hours, please don’t spend the whole time doing the same two-step. At least add a spin or something every now and then.

The Sprinkler: Don’t. Just…just don’t, okay?

Well, that's all we have time for today, folks. Plus, the author's repertoire of moves isn't really all that much bigger than what you see here, and he's got to keep some stuff in reserve, you know. But maybe you'll get to see the big guns someday, if you're lucky...

* Please Note: LousyNick is not at all a good dancer. At least, he's not the kind of dancer that little kids would look up to, and want to be like someday. But he has no shame whatsoever, and boldly goes where angels fear to rush in on horses led to water, so to speak. So without further ado...
This story is protected by International Copyright Law, by the author, all rights reserved. If found posted anywhere other than with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.

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