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Loveydovey...Whatever. Meh.

I'm just sorting stuff out in my head

Sometimes I look and I see people ‘In a relationship’, ‘married’, ‘betrothed’ and I wonder, will I ever be any of those?

It’s unlikely that I’d be married or betrothed, in the sense of Christianity, me being a... Spiritualist? Witch? Um, I actually don’t know which religion I am. I tend to follow whichever set of beliefs ring true with me. I suppose you could call me a ‘free spirit’, or something of that ilk, but I’m just me. I suppose witchcraft resonates truest of all with me, after all I love the earth.

It’s love that seems to evade me, though. I mean, there’s someone I love. Will I tell her? Will I, fuck! That’s not a good idea. It leads to alienation, heartbreak and fucked-upness, for lack of a better phrase. Well, actually, I’ve told her many times already. I don’t know why I’m afraid, I tell loads of people that I love them and it’s the truth. It’s just, well, loving your friend is something different from loving a lover, if that makes sense.

I’d like nothing better than to be able to snuggle up with someone I love, but I’ll admit it: I’m scared that it’ll lead to something. Now, people, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had random hookups, casual sex and the like, even proper relationships, but I’ve never really, truly loved someone. Not in the sense that I’d spend the rest of my life with them, at least. They come into my life, enhance it for a while and then get bored with me. I hope that never happens to you, readers. I hope, let’s call her “V” for now, never does that to me I love her a lot. It’s like she completes a part of me that I knew was missing, but never knew exactly what, I still don’t. It feels weird, though: I’ve never even met this woman in the flesh. I mean, I hope to, eventually. But what if eventually is too late?

I wonder if it’s just a fallacy? Maybe some of us are destined to go through life with plenty of best friends, but no lovers. Soul mates, yes, but we never meet.

Perhaps we only meet once certain parameters are fulfilled. Perhaps we know about each other and even communicate, but never meet face to face. Imagine (I’d wager this is a decent example) your favourite celebrity. You ‘like’ them on Facebook and they occasionally provide you with status updates. Sometimes you comment on them and they comment back to you, personally. So, sometimes you see them, for example, if they are a musician, in concert and they wink, or smile at you. You never really meet, but you see them and you feel... Kindred, or, more accurately, connected.

Of course, kindred spirits are different from soul mates. This is where shit gets confusing and really weird, so follow carefully. It’s only really my opinion, though.

Kindred spirits are people that you can meet: friends, workmates, random strangers, that kind of thing. You love each other, probably and enrich each other’s lives, you just don’t shag or have any kind of ‘lovers’ type relationship with them. You’re just friends, good friends.

Soul mates are something else, far too complicated for me to comprehend, so I’m not even gonna say anything more about them.

Whether I’ll actually admit my true feelings without a thought to my feelings being hurt, I’ll never know. Maybe I’ll get bold and then I’ll create awkwardness and then it’ll all be okay.

Yes, that actually happened. My friend (hope she never reads this) has a daughter and I’ve always fancied her (which my friend knew, anyway, no news there) and a while ago... ages ago, even, I asked her daughter out. I did it on Facebook, but she gave me a knockback. It was fine, I dealt and we went back to... whatever we were in the first place. I’ve always been a bit awkward around her, so next time I saw her, it was kind of embarrassing. She was cleaning her flat and I’d gone there with her mum to get something from her, or something. I not only fought embarrassment (which hardly happens, I mean, I just don’t get embarrassed like I used to. I blame my friend for talking about anything and everything. Yes, everything.) but I also fought an oncoming erection. What could I do? I sat on the arm of the couch and crossed my legs. I should name this woman, let’s just call her “T”, just a random letter that my finger fell on, really, just in need of a label. So, T was cleaning and kept bending over, forgetting that I fancied the pants off her, so I just kept getting aroused. Just a wee bit.

I nearly grabbed for my candle there, instead of my beer! That would have been painful.

Anyway, digressions aside, T kept grabbing rubbish and such from the floor and taking them to the bin in the kitchen. Every time she walked past me, she’d rub my knee on the way past, friendly-like. Way to go to make me more aroused. Sure, my arousal wasn’t apparent, because I wasn’t fully aroused (okay, sorry, that sounded narissistic, but I’m sure my full arousal would have been apparent, what with the tenting and all), but it got me flustered.

I’ve forgotten what my point was in this. Perhaps my thoughts just need an audience. Orange Crush by REM is playing. Huh, now it’s My Doorbell by The White Stripes.

I just really wish I could tell this woman (not T, the one I started this... thing about, you know, V?) how I feel about her without the fear that she’d run away and alienate me. Well, she doesn’t strike me as the type to speak callous. That came straight from Jack White there, sorry. You know the best thing? I can use his words and music how I see fit because he said he was “handing the White Stripes over to the fans to do with as they pleased”, so if I wanna go making money off him, I can, I guess. I won’t because I respect him too much to try and rip him off. It’s just too damned dishonest. I was brought up to be honest and I’ll honour that!

Can I admit something? I have a crush on someone on this site. Do you want to know who it is? I’ll give you a clue: her user name is an actual creature. Did you get it? Do you want another clue? She writes absurd poetry and has a wicked sense of humour. Another clue? Her avatar is NOT a raccoon, though that one is pretty damned cool too.

I wanna meet V though, I really do. I often wonder what it’d be like even just to feel her hand upon mine, or her breath near me. Damn, that sounds so sad, doesn’t it? I just want something more tangible than what I get from her just now. Thing is, will this even see the internet? Will I ever work up the courage to ask her to meet me? Ugh, I feel like the Cowardly Lion. *Sob*.

Love is shit, so are feelings. Fuck them.
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