What am I doing? I should be doing more with my life than just sitting here miserable. But no, here I sit at my desk, writing my thoughts in this book. Does it help? Some. Do I want it to help more? Sure. At least it is very relaxing to me. That’s a plus.

Since you left, this is all I have been able to do. I guess it’s medicine to me. I never have been one to talk to anyone about my problems. I always bottled them up. Sitting here and putting pen to paper is therapeutic to me. I can just be by myself and express my thoughts.

I never thought that you would have left me. But you did. I could have dealt with it better if you had just walked out. Instead, I will never be able to see you again. Not in this life anyway. I keep asking myself, "why?" I never get an answer. And you know what? I fucking hate that. I need an answer. Unfortunately, there is only one person that can give me that answer. I won’t be meeting that person any time soon though. Although I would like too.

You were everything to me and now you are gone. What am I supposed to do now? I was complete with you. I was more myself with you. Now, I am a nobody. I do not know how I am going to function without you. I am never going to be myself again. Not without you.

Is it wrong that I feel so lost? So lonely? To me, it isn’t wrong. To others I have tried to tell how I feel, all look at me and say I should move on with my life. I quit talking to them now. They do not want to listen to me. Can’t they tell that I am still in love with you? I guess they can’t see how I can still be in love with someone that is not here anymore.

But to me, you are still here. In my mind anyway. And I know that is why I feel the way I feel. In my mind, I see and hear you. Then when I open my eyes, the reality sets in and you are not here. I am alone again. Can’t I just live the rest of my life in my mind?

Okay, yeah, I know it does not work that way. But why couldn’t it? There, I have everything. I have you. Everything that I need. I could just close my eyes and never get back up again. Just lie there, dreaming of you, seeing you with me until the very end. Maybe that is what I will do. At least that way, I know I will be with you in the end.

But that would not be right would it? No. Even I know that much. That would never solve anything. It would only bring heartache to those that do love me. Then again, they would know how I am feeling right now.

I can’t help that I still love you. I know that I will always love you. You were the one that swept me off my feet. The one that filled my life. The one that made me whole. Now there is a void where you used to be. I feel like I was the one taken and not you. How can I feel that way when I am the one still living? It’s just not right. Nothing seems right anymore.

Will anything ever be the same again? I know I should not ask that, but truth is, it never will. With you gone, I never will be the same. I can’t be me anymore. I can’t love anymore. I just can’t feel anything anymore. I’ll never get that back. Never.

So, I guess I will go on, living the rest of my life in a book, sitting here like I am now, writing down my thoughts remembering you that way. I know that I will never find another love like yours. Personally, I don’t intend to go looking. I have my desk, my pen and paper, your memory, and my love for you. Even if loving you in paper thoughts is the only way, I will be happy for the rest of my life, and I know I will make it, at least until the day I am called to join you. That will be the day I will once again feel complete. To tell you the truth, that day will never come soon enough.