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Why?

"Dear 3am, we have got to stop meeting this way... I’d much rather sleep with you." - Insomniacs.

Why are you such a jerk, brain? Why is this the time of day I suddenly feel most awake and alive? Seriously, I must question my sanity entirely when at 4:37am I am so over the not sleeping and all the thinking, questioning, analysing that I consider going out and about for a walk and dancing in the early Spring drizzle in the dead of the night. Actually that sounds like a really swell idea, but I can't be bothered getting dressed, so here I am, writing it out instead.

I wonder if anyone else is awake into the early morning plagued with a slew of questions to ponder like me. A zillion unspoken thoughts, made up mostly of questions that are without answers, and maybe they have answers, or could have answers, because answers would certainly be less elusive in the more acceptable daylight hours and not at four fucking am. A little made up of wishes and wonderings and daydreams, too. Still, why can’t the thoughts come throughout the day? Obviously it’s because at that time I might even have a practical outlet for tackling them... we clearly wouldn’t want to have answers.

Why am I awake? Why am I not even tired? I’ll be tired in the morning. In two hours when two noisy munchkins inevitably get up for breakfast, I’ll be so tired then (if I fall asleep at all) that I’ll have the Mama Grump hat on and that will be followed by the Mama Guilt hat. Well, I always wear the Mama Guilt hat. Why is Mama’s soul so tired? Why can’t they sleep a little bit longer? Why do I repeatedly fall for this strange assumption that allowing them to stay up late on weekend nights will lead to a sleep in the following morning? Why doesn’t it? Why do they only sleep late on school days or days we have to be somewhere?

Wait. That wasn’t where my thoughts were wandering in wonder. That’s just a painful reminder that I need to ask why sleep obviously doesn’t look good on me?

Why have I got to be so afraid of everything? Why overthink everything? Why? Why can’t I just say and/or ask what is on my mind and deal with any repercussions following instead of overthinking every outcome? Why conjure up possibilities the bring me to the point of ugly tears? Why bring on chest crushing, throat tightening, dizzy-inducing anxiety attacks, over every potentiality that probably would never occur if I just asked the questions, or shared the thoughts, and made the statements? Why would it be so bad just being in the moment? Why can’t I get my head around that?

Why do all the big questions come in dreams and wake me up, or on the verge of sleep so I can’t at all? Why go in so many directions all at once too? Why is it the fastest and most complicatedly interlinked stream of consciousness I ever wade through? Why are these ones so difficult to rephrase with ‘why’? Why do I even care that I am breaking the pattern? What am I doing? What does this mean? What next? What should I do? Why is it so hard? How can I do it? Why am I so worried, I can't know that it will go down terribly? Why do I have all these stupid fucking questions in the early hours of the morning when I should be sleeping? Is it because it is the time of day when I am truly alone? When I finally feel free to let go of everything else and take selfish moments for me? Why am I thinking that doesn't make sense? Why am I even writing this all down? 

Ooooh I put my head down for a moment and dozed. That’s one answer I found in this rant. It is clear that expelling it all helps. I should do this more often. Why don’t I? I don't know, probably because it seems pointless. Why would I say that, though? Clearly it helped. I don't know. I need to sleep. FINALLY. 
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Copyright © © SweetAngel for StoriesSpace, and her real life alter ego, ashleajaynes 2016-2020

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