This poem was written several years ago now, when I was in a deeper, dark place and I think expressed much of my feelings at the time about loneliness, my disability and how people looked upon me.

Sometimes I wonder, why I look how I do?
Why God created me, so I could suffer what I go through?
The pain, the suffering, the feeling of being hated,
By all you people just for being created.

I look in the mirror, and don't see my reflection
What I see, is instant rejection
Is it because I am disabled, or am I a freak
Or is it all because I am so weak?

I know when you see me, you don't look inside
What you all see is only on the outside
Yes I may look different, but that doesn't mean I don't care
I can see all your faces as you look and stare

I'm ashamed of who I am, and how I was born
Sometimes I wish I could die, and be reborn
To look different than I do, a time of change
And not feel like I do, the feel of being strange

These tears I weep, like a mother losing a son
After he killed himself using her gun,
The tears you see, you probably think are fake,
But there's no faking about me being God's mistake

The thought of death, scares me so much
For the reaper to reach out, and feel my touch
But maybe now it's time, for me to close my eyes
To lay down on the bed and finally die

The crimson red, that flows through my veins
Will soon be released as I cut and cause myself pain
My body will lie, in a deep cold freeze
Because no one will ever be bothered, everyone pleased

The blade cuts in, as the crimson flows
My head becomes drowsy, as my eyes finally close
My Angel of mercy, comes down to see me
Taking me in her hands, as her tears fall down upon me

I open my eyes to see a beautiful sight
A woman of elegance holding my body tight
She tells me "not to worry, I am now in her arms
And now it's all over, I will never come to any harm"

She takes my hand, as the light appears
But God is standing there, and now I begin to fear
"Take him back for he is not welcome in Heaven
It's hell for him, it's the seven eleven"

My Angel tries to defy God's own orders
He pushes her away for causing disorder
"You both will suffer the wrath of your Lord
You will go down to hell, there is no reward"

"You're a coward for taking the easy way out,
Now she will suffer with you and you both can keep out"
I look upon, the tears in her eyes,
As I say to her my final goodbye

"Please God" I say, "take her with you"
"She's worth more in your life, than the suffering I'm due"
God listens to what I say, and agrees to take her back
As they disappear and it suddenly becomes pitch black

I hear voices around, they make me feel scared
As I hope to god that I am prepared
I turn around and there he stands, the devil himself
Smiling as he relishes coz I killed myself

I know I brought this upon myself
But maybe now I can take some pride in oneself
For I saved an angel, of mercy she may have been
With a look right out of a beauty queen

She captured my heart, but then it was too late
As I already had sealed my own fate
I walk through the darkness, to suffer the wrath
And take my walk of shame down the devil's path

For eternity I stayed in hell and pain
Taking all bad things like drugs and cocaine
My body decomposed over a hundred years
But I never forgot that amazing voice of hers

Right to the end I never forgot
While I stayed in hell to suffer and rot
The face I saw when I closed my eyes
Of the beautiful Angel as I said my final goodbye

She whispered some words in my ear, as she drifted away
"Thank you young sir, for being so brave"
Those words are etched in memory to the end
In the hope one day, we'd meet again....

So there is a story of suffering and pain
Of a guy who just feels ashamed
I hope people learn from my mistakes
Even if it just helps one life it saves.....