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The Diary of Two Lonely Hearts Part 2

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Dear who ever,

I'm not sure why I decided to start writing in a diary, maybe because I would rather write it all out than say it to someone else... Even though I'm kind of just talking to myself ... But it doesn't matter, I still would rather talk to myself than someone else, cause really? Who's a better therapist? Some guy who sits in an uncomfortable chair all day who doesn't know me at all, or myself who I have known for 15 years? 

But anyways my name is Izzy, I live in Beverly MA. I don't mind writing, but I don't really do it very often. I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I have a lot bottled up inside that I'm scared to tell my friends. 

Why don't we start with when I was little... When I was about 5 I realized that my perfect daddy...wasn't so perfect. One night he came home drunk. I remember my mom was yelling, and there was a quiet kind of laugh in the background like he was mocking her. So I went out to see what was going on. I stopped at the end of the stairs looking over the railing, just slightly so they wouldn't see me. I saw my dad standing over my mom with a shattered bottle. It's all kind of foggy but I clearly remember what he had done to me and my sister that night.

He had seen me and chased me up the stairs to my sister's room. The rest I can't say, it hurts too much. Let's just say he is in every one of my nightmares. And now so is my mom's new boyfriend Rick.

Me and my sister Julia are really scared of Rick. I won't mention why because I can't admit the truth to myself. But I will say my mom doesn't care, she stopped caring a long time ago, probably because Rick would beat the shit out of her if she tried to screw anything up.

Again.

But I haven't turned into one of those girls with all these problems, I haven't cut myself, or hurt anyone else because I'm hurting. Sure it makes me really sad when people talk about it, but who wouldn't after going through something like that?

I haven't though about killing myself, or doing anything that would ruin me as a person. I realized that doing that just means they win, and that I've lost and I won't let them beat my confidence down too. I will always be me, and I will always be strong. These are all lies, I try to tell myself all the time that I had an excuse that there was a reason for why I did all of that, but really they have all just been excuses hiding the truth from myself. But really the truth is, I'm hurting, hurting bad, and I'm stuck in my own nightmare, scared to turn a corner in fear that I'd get hurt, in fear of another bruise, in fear of giving up another child.

I'm not okay right now and I wish someone would come and rescue me from this nightmare of a life, come and take me away so I'll never have to turn back and look at what has happened to me. But what will happen in my future? My future would be bright and happy with the perfect boy who would help me through anything, the perfect boy who wasn't fake, the perfect boy for someone like me, the perfect boy...

-Izzy

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