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Why I Came Back from Outer Space Early

  • I realized, just around the time I was approaching Saturn, that I’d forgotten to have my mail stopped.
  • It’s very cold there, even if you’re dressed in lots of layers and wear your Snuggie.
  • If you think living someplace where the weather is the same all year ‘round is tedious, let me tell you, it’s a hell of a lot better than the vacuum of space.
  • I’d finished up reading all the magazines I’d brought along way sooner than I thought I would. I could practically recite the entire issue of July 2014 Bon Appetit.
  • The thingy that processes my urine back into drinking water was starting to make a clanky sound.
  • You can’t have anything deep fried on a space journey.
  • Weightlessness doesn't make you feel any less fat.
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