A LETTER TO AN IMPRISONED OBSESSOR.
A LETTER TO AN IMPRISONED OBSESSOR.
I gave you my heart but not my mind even though I had always lost myself in your presence, you had me, you took me, you used me, but because I had always lost myself in your presence, you could not find the real me, and you lost me. Where do I even begin to describe the feeling I had when my eyes first saw those almond shaped hazel brown eyes of yours, I was once asked to let out and explain the feeling to try and ease the pain, but it was the same as spelling the alphabets from A-Z because it was just unexplainable. How I remember the moments we used to cherish together I swear I am still keeping that necklace you left tied up to the bracelet you got me for valentine's day after our first night together, you promised you would never kill our momentum but a day later you never answered my call when your phone rang at twelve midnight, I know you were probably in dreamland but I wondered with who because I was awake and hoping to be the first to wish you a happy birthday out here in real world.
I know how you used to feel sickened by my jealousy but I hope you still remember my reasons behind it because I could not stand all the drooling and whistling behind our backs or rather your back each time we passed the neighborhood with my hand circulated all around your behind, I remember how you would flatter to me and say your back was bent ''baby, can you please feel it for me?'', you see I never confessed this but I will right now, each time I laid my eyes on you I always undressed you call me a pervert in public but you and I both know it's a practical experience you used to grant me in private.
I still remember your facial expression when I told you that your face needed no makeup powder to compliment its natural beauty, it was priceless but not when compared to the face you made when you told me that you had missed your period now that was a classic and would deserve an emoji, I wish I had laughed a bit but my reaction could not let me and I don't want to write that it may sound inhuman but you showed me humor by reminding me the date, and it was the first of April I had never felt so full of myself without you as my half, now baby girl I once said this and I will again your acting skills were remarkable, and I was the best co-star because I'd always flow in reality while you test your capabilities till you stop to ask just how far do I think you would go into acting, I never answered that but I will right now, it does not matter how far do I think you would go in acting but for how long will you stay to remember the sincerity in my words when I told you that you pertain the honor of being the best act in the story of my life.
I know it was not easy to love a person of my caliber I mean it is not every day that a man would feel like a king in a castle shaped in all aspects of its queen, I once dreamt your friend as my new happy place but woke up sad and realized that sometimes dreams don't come true because of the darkness they tend to occur in but with your appearance in my light I sure can differentiate between a phantom and a phenomenon situation, it is alright still you can call me a ghost buster. I remember when your father passed on, you told me that I was now the third best and only living man in your loving life now that Jesus and Daddy could no more be seen but only be felt in spirit, you addressed me as an abusive man to your mother because each time I was around you, my love for you would strike you like it never did before she gave us the counseling session and approved me as a better abuser to your health than any man could be to your physique and I called you my melody because each time you would call my name my heart would skip a beat, I'd get goosebumps then I would know that music had no capabilities to sooth my soul than you ever did even though it is often the answer.
Baby girl you had turned to be my most unique definition of the word JOY in simplicity you had summarized my universal knowledge of the 7.4 billion human population that make up the people of the world to a two hundred and six skeletons that make up a single human being for the world you became the only population in my world, sweetheart you had my taste buds tasting flavor in still water I was no more quenching thirst I was more like a firefighter trying to cease the fire of love my heart felt, I mean there was such rivalry my mother had to be worried, but I never got the impression that you were the power hungry type you always knew she was the home team and you just had to be her biggest threat.
Whatever mathematics had done to his X that she decided to disappear and even when millions of people around the world were recruited to try and find her could not are probably the same reasons why I could never picture you as my EX but as my exception for endless love forever, I had never had doubts about you until I saw that text from Lavender you told me that he was just a colleague, and I wondered what kind of a colleague would send you such an adulation text of that kind and I found myself on the verge of losing my trust I had for you until I had actually given myself time to analyze the name of this man who threatened our happiness, now I know you just tried to also play analytic on the name and yes I could not allow us to be victim of his name and let him become our love ender as much as his original meaning of his name may sound flourishing you need to understand that sometimes people do not live up to the meanings of their names.
When you and I first became an item we took time to find what would describe love for us because we felt the word ''LOVE' was too a public word for us and everyone was and still is entitled to label it even with the most horrible sentiments now we could not have that because what we had contained no horrible meanings to it, we decided to combine letters from both our names and we took the letters I & W from your name and took the letters E & O from my name and we formed it to become I.W.E.O and made a promise to never define the letters without each other because it would be defined incomplete without both our participation because we were Incomplete Without Each Other after all we were the I.W.E.O team, somebody tried raising their hands and shouted to spread the words of hate but just like the sky they could not reach us but only see us talk about being picture perfect everyone in our world had to be an entrepreneur and mind their own business it was for their survival after all.
Not to say we would never live without each other we would, I mean what if you or I had to die first it would really be unfair not to mention senseless if any of us had to remain to take their own lives for the sake of living to what we said we could not be or do without each other, what if Mr J. had only an invitation for myself and not with a plus one I really would not bear seeing you embarrassed before all those afterlife souls besides I am not even sure how rough the bouncers from that side can be so it would be best if anyone of us gets the invitation first the other one remains to sing life goes on.
I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive but that is just how the naked truth differs from naked thoughts nothing gets erected sugar coatings get evicted and reality kicks in I hope you still remember the state I was in when I told you all those words I do not mean to revive memories and there is no but, but my purpose is to instill those memories to your mind forever and I know you would probably ask why, it is because if I had not included a ''but'' you would not recognize the emphasis behind the importance of re- imagining of those memories for they are to bring a smile to your face even in the most darkest of times and you would never crack a tear of what should have been and what could have been because you would know that not in flesh but in spirit will I be with you even if we are separated by unforeseen evils of life, and hopefully you would be able to live up to the name of our alliance even though you would not be orally defining it because that is a promise we made together and bound to forever keep together.
I remember the night you canceled our dinner date you told me your mother had fever and had to be taken care of, I was a bit disappointed but understood that you could not leave her sight especially in that kind of situation you described she was in, and I braced myself for a lonely night instead, that flat felt too big for me that night not a minute would pass without a flash of your face in my cerebrum and I'd smile on my own.
I had plans for us that night, at nineteen hundred hours I remember browsing on my phone and I ended up on my gallery and found myself looking at all the pictures we had ever taken together and somehow glazed at the uncensored one you last sent me, I had plans for us that night, it was a night I wanted to elevate our union and take it straight to the blessers, I was missing you that night and I decided to call you right there and then, I was looking forward to us having a conversation till our batteries died on us but could not help feeling intensity from you even though it felt like I was hearing your voice for the first time that night, you were in a hurry to end our call that night and told me your mother needed your attendance but truth be the thing that I tell you right now the background sounds were a bit too messy for someone who was at home treating a patient but I rubbished all those thoughts by speculating it was just sounds coming from the TV, you promised to call back that night, numeral hours passed without your call that night and I could not bear it no more I needed to talk to you that night.
You were the only thought that kept me sane that night, you need to understand that I was excited that night not because you had canceled on our dinner but because my mind had a movie playing called ''happily ever after'' but my imaginations were distracted by the curiosity I developed over your powered off cell phone. A couple of minutes later I felt my phone vibrating it was an incoming call and I had thought it was from you but it was from my mother, I was a bit disappointed because my worry was with you and I only had expectations of your call that night nevertheless I was as usually happy to also hear from my other adored woman, she and I shared so much that night, we laughed a lot that night and for a moment my mind got off you a bit, I even shared to her of my plans I had of you and she sounded so happy for us and got a little bit ahead of herself by even offering to pay for our honeymoon but I was about to tell her to not count her chickens before they could hatch that she told me she had to go there was someone at the door and she asked if we could visit her sometime and I promised we would, and that was our conversation we shared that night.
Hours passed I still could not get over the feeling of missing you, and I decided that it gave me no sense to miss you like your house was miles away from me, and I decided to drive there, and I parked a short distance away from your home gate, I suddenly developed hesitation and fear to knocking at your doorstep, I knew from the distance I had parked from there was no chance your younger sisters would identify my car before I could prepare what my explanation would be to your mother about my late night visit but it was not a social visit anyway so I decided that I would go and knock at your doorstep anyway and my plan was simple despite whoever would answer the door except you I would just ask them how you were and drove back home to get better sleep and I would tell you all about it in the morning.
I did that and stepped out of my car and walked towards your door step and my knuckles were ready to do the job but somehow the nerves got the better of me and I just turned my back and walked towards my car but four steps later I heard the door open behind my back as I tried to slowly turn my back to see who it was the person had already perceived me as an intruder, and they just screamed from the door and I was still on my English version of what was happening but the ghetto mission was already assigned to me by someone quickly blowing a whistle from inside your home and by the time I had tried to understand the tantrums that were thrown from the people of your house the mob literally came from nowhere and before I knew it I was circulated by humans hungry for flesh, I was knocked out by a knobkerrie from behind and heard words of a man shouting ''You can come out makhelwane (neighbor) we have got the scumbag'' and that was the last time I was conscious and remembered myself waking up surrounded by your mother and siblings.
They were feeling worried and were very much terrified of what had happened that night, they told me that I was lucky they recognized me before the worst could happen but never revealed who blew the whistle, your mother was emotionally wrecked because she believed her future son in law could have been killed right under her watch, and she failed to bear the thought of how you would have reacted she reckoned you would have never forgiven her and that was at least the minimum she explained to me of how much she knew you felt about me, I wish I could have been flattered but I was in pain and what was surprising was that she did not seem like someone who had fever and she was out of bed and the only person who was missing in the whole scenario was you, both your mother and siblings had an idea that you were with me as far as you told them, you have to understand my mind had deep contemplations of the motive behind your lies that night, I felt betrayed that night, I felt used and you cannot blame me for assuming that you were out cheating on the beautiful love we shared together that night.
Twenty-three hours passed on the day and there was still no sign of you, I had lost my phone from the confusion of the mob, we were all worried and planned to report you missing first thing in the morning if there was still no sign of you and we switched off the lights I needed to rest in your own bedroom, I found it hard closing my eyes through that darkness without you next to me even when I had tried reaching out to you, in the early hours of crack of dawn I heard a squeaking sound of a car taking off in high speed and a few moments later I heard the door open someone coming in, you never realized that your bed was occupied by an unfamiliar body you came in to the room and changed into your pyjamas and took the clothes you wore to the washing machine and came back to sleep in your bed.
I assumed you never realized that I was there because you had thought maybe it was one of your siblings on your bed my face was facing your back when I saw you opening your phone and responding to my voice messages, I saw you text ''Sorry for not calling back, my battery died and mom has been vomiting all night, talk in the morning[inserted love emoji's]'' at that very instant I knew my instinct was right in convincing me that you were out with another man, a few seconds after I purposely cleared my throat and God did you not jump so scared when you heard a man's voice on your bed, it was like you had seen a ghost and everyone came running into your bedroom to find out what was happening and they found you standing on the exit door of the bedroom terrified but you went to extreme fright and shivering when you saw me inside your bedroom on your bed at three AM in the morning, we tried giving you time to calm down but in my mind I knew it was more than just seeing me at your home that had you frightened, not even a single word could come out of your mouth for hours all we saw was you weeping, I felt conscience of spoiling the beautiful thing we had was having a field day with you.
The sun rose and your situation was still unchanged and I decided I would give you some time to calm and had hope that you would confide to your mother of what you were out doing last night, as I stepped out of your household I realized that my car that was parked at a distance from your home had been stolen it must have been a coincident that I heard car sounds last night followed by your arrival, I now had a mission to go report it as stolen to the police station on my arrival at the station I found a familiar face I asked to help take my statement it was a long time neighbor of my mother Mr Zimela, before I could even reveal the reason I was there he just whipped in tears before he sent his condolences and sighed a deep breath for a moment I was lost on what he was on about until he eventually explained to me and broke the news that my mother was found murdered in a pool of blood at her own home last night.
I could not believe him, I was communicating with my mother less than 24 hours ago Mr. Zimela did not know what he was talking about I furiously shouted to him but he also had his energy drained by what had happened and offered to take me home so I could witness for myself that my mother was no more. As we arrived there was this yellow tape prohibiting anyone to go beyond the crime scene and what my eyes saw was a body drawn in white chalk to symbolize where my mother's body was found, it was outside and not inside her own house where my mother was killed the detectives tried painting a picture of what had happened and explained that she was numerously stabbed as she tried to run away from the perpetrator, but her strength could not bear the stab wounds she had suffered the police detective further highlighted that the crucial wound in my mother's death was a severe stab in the heart.
I could not hear any more of his evaluation and also saved him from promising me that he would not rest until the perpetrators have been caught, I was killed inside but seemed strong on the outside I wondered who would do such a horrible thing to this wonderful soul I even shed a tear that day even though I did not crack.Three days later without hearing from you I saw your mother coming to offer her condolences, and she was without you except she had something from you, and that was a letter she had came to deliver written by you for me, I opened the letter later that evening and need I say that I had never felt so stabbed and the knife turned and twisted on my back in my entire life especially by my eternal love.
Some parts of the letter read ''It is now that I hate and curse the day I ever met and developed love feelings for you, you changed me I was never the same person ever again, you brought love, warmth, and comfort to my soul but you also brought evil to my heart, and for that I will never forgive you, if loving you pertains all that I am feeling right now then I am better off without you, and I hate you because all I ever wanted was to be the only woman for you and most importantly closest to your heart''.
Personally I will never hate you, and I'm sorry for once doubting you, but I will never forgive you for the misery you have put me through not now probably not even in the afterlife and because of you I may never recover right I am just awaiting the last day in my living I do not want to take my own life maybe I would be adding to a tariff of sins you have already told me I had committed, and that may block my desire to be in heaven and meet my mother once more just to tell her that I love her because she deserves my love. If there is anything I take with me out of all this as pride is that I gave you my whole heart but not my mind otherwise I would forgive you for killing my mother in cold blood, I hope the time you serve in jail heals you, and I will try and do the same, have a happy life mine has already been there and done that.
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