Letter To My Boy

 This is a letter I wrote to my son Joshua, he left us on Jan 11, 2002, he was 22. I have had a terrible time coping with his loss every year on his birthday and his last day. I am usually usless on these days. I was having a bad time this year and someone I talk to on this site was going through their own loss and suggested writing my feelings down in a letter. My wife had also suggested it about a year after Josh left us, but at that time I was still to angry and not ready. It actually really did help. I started just writing it the anniversary date and it took a few days to say what I wanted to. I know it isn't terribly entertaining or even interesting, but it did do wonders for my feelings. I hope you will read it and if you are dealing with something similar in your life, take the idea and write your own letter. My wife and I get through it every year with each others help, talking about him keeps him alive for us. Give it a try, maybe it will help you too.

Hello Josh,

It's been a while I know. I am so sorry I haven't written more often or done a better job of trying to keep in touch, but when I do it leaves me little sad. It's was 9 years just yesterday that you left, seems like so much more sometimes. I miss you terribly and I am sure I always will. It wasn't right, you earned the right to stay more than anyone else I know ever has. I just wanted to catch you up on some of the happenings with all of us.

Amy moved Trinity and Nevaeh to Ohio, outside Cincinnati. At least it is closer than Texas. We do get to see them more now. We had them with us for several months last year, before they moved to Ohio. It was so nice. They were also here the day after Christmas. That was so wonderful.

Chris has started doing tattoo's, he's pretty good too. Well, he was always a really good artist. Mandy is doing well, but her and Danny are getting a divorce. It is all rather friendly at least, and little Michael is growing like a weed. He's smart as a whip. You're not gonna believe this, but your little brother Dustin has a son of his own, Damien Aleczander. They call him Alec. He is a beautiful little fella, and so damn happy all the time. His mom, Dustin's love is Ashley. She is a beautiful young woman and they are very happy. Dusty is an amazing dad, just like you.

I am so sorry to have to tell you that your Grandpa B passed away just two months after you left. It was an aneurysm in his brain. He went with little pain. Grandma B moved back up here from S. Carolina.

We also lost Grandpa Kenny, not that December, but the next in 2003. It was his heart. Grandma Dot is doing really good now. She had a stroke, but there was no real damage.

Your Mom is well and as pretty as ever. She still makes your fudge every chance she gets. She was a little broken up yesterday. It has been hard on her everyday since you left. She misses you so much, hell we all do, but you know your Mom. She suffers in silence, has to keep up a strong front, but your not being here really takes a toll one her. Not that she will ever show it. She does love you so, so much.

I had a pretty bad time this last summer, my health went south pretty bad. I actually died from a rupture colon, but the docs drug me back. With your Mom's loving help I am getting better slowly. She took very good care of me. I spent 5 days in a coma after surgery. It was very hit and miss. They removed 8 inches of my colon. I have to still have surgery to repair everything but that is a little bit away. Not sure I am gonna make it through that one at all. I keep having some pretty bad dreams about it. I found myself more than once wishing I hadn't survived the surgeries, then at least I could see you again.

Well I have spent all this time with this letter for something that has recently become very important to me. The last time we spoke, well the last time we had words, I realize I was pretty angry. I hate myself that our last words were in anger. I wasn't really even mad, just so frustrated. It had been a pretty bad week and I took it out on you. I wish I had taken a few seconds to see things your way. If I had known that the next day would be your last, well Josh I am just so sorry. I hear your music and I cry, I see something on TV that I know you would love I start to tell your Mom that we should tell you, then catch myself.

Son, I am so sorry, you really deserved so much better, you had fought so hard for your life and it went so quickly. I am not sure you are, but I do like to think that you are watching us. We get together every year on your birthday and on your last day, toast you and cry a little. Those days I was a basket case for so many years, but am slowly getting better. God I miss you so much, and I know everyone else does as well. I just wanted you to know, I wish I could see you just one more time, for even a few minutes. Like I said it would almost have been worth dying just to be able to tell you how sorry I am for our last time together. But maybe this will help me get passed it. At least it gets this out and you can hear how I feel.

Well I gotta go, I hope you are as well as you can be. I am glad the pain is gone, I also realize most of what I said you probably already knew. I am hoping you are with your Grand Dads every chance you get. There is one more thing, Little Dave passed the other day. He is probably up there already, his was also a brain aneurysm and he went very quickly too. I would like for you to do me a favor, get with Dave, grab your rods and tackle and show him your favorite fishing hole. He would be thrilled. Maybe save me a seat if this damn surgery doesn't go so well. My boy, you are loved, I hope you know that and so terribly missed. Stop in a few dreams now and then and say hi, we all need that. All my love Joshua Sebastian, all my love.

Dad