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Love Made Me Do It

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No one can know any of what I’m about to tell, but still, I’m putting it out there. I can’t help myself, either in action or with placing dots out in the open where they can easily be connected if one were so inclined to link those dots together.

Maybe I want to be caught; on some level, this must be true. If I am caught then I’m sure that’ll be that, I’ll be toast... Brown bread, either at the hands of my captures, the legal system or by more immediate means. I can be quite resourceful when I want to be, so perhaps setting up a challenge is what I’m really after. Illuding pursuers may just be the challenge I want and need right now.

When I fall, I always fall hard and I guess I’m also setting that up for myself once again but in a different way to what I am used to and if I do make the ultimate fall, the physical rather than the emotional, then my excuse will only serve to destroy me. Love made me do it, and I’d do it again. If that on its own doesn’t convict me then I don’t know what would.

My own body will work as evidence against me, adding to my own betrayal of myself. I have had the names of every town I have killed in, tattooed onto the back of my calves. I may attempt to deny everything upon capture, if capture is something in my future, though no matter how convincing I could possibly be, what I have already done to myself will indeed go against me.

I turned sixteen years of age during the month of May 1990. That was the month where love found me for the first time. There had been girls before then so it had not been my first experience of the opposite sex but I never felt proper love or fully cared about love before then.

Tanya McNamara. Blonde hair, well developed, she could have had any boy in school she wanted. For some reason or another, she wanted me. Not to be cocky or anything of the likes, I was a decent looking guy, there had been other interest coming my way. Tanya, however, persisted. I eventually gave in not long after my birthday and I fell... Hard.

That summer was perfect, a proper summer of love and I never expected any of what was to come. A carnival spent six weeks in town, we spent quite a bit of time together there and quite a bit of time alone too so when the rumours started coming my way I didn’t believe them.

I did have a summer job, carnival rides, goodies, and so on cost money and I wanted to treat the new lady in my life. I missed not being with Tanya during times when I was working through time spent apart I thought would make our time together more... Special. The rumours though, they proved to be true and I found that out almost by accident.

One shift, in particular, had been quiet, so I got out early and came close to that carnival on my route home and there she was, Tanya making her way into the carnival along with the guy at the center of the rumours. I followed them for a while. It didn’t take long. Out in the open and all, no attempt was made to hide things, I could not understand that.

People knew Tanya and I were together. Their kiss, however, not a friendly peck or anything of the likes, out in the open and as free as you like, hell I got so mad. Henry Harris, I think his name was, yeah we had attended the same school. Neither he nor Tanya made it home that evening or on any other evening since.

I was questioned, of course, guess I must have been convincing, that and the fact that Tanya and Henry were never found, the thought could easily pass as being more than possible, being sixteen, they simply ran away together and never came back. Missing teens sometimes actually do that sometimes but not them and I’m the only one who knows that for sure. Now you do too.

The town I went to school in was the first town to be tattooed onto the back of my left calf and I had that done not long after my eighteenth birthday. The calligraphy is small, black and can be clearly read to this day.

September 1996, six months into my first full-time post college job and cupid came calling, or at least I thought he did. New town, two hundred plus miles from the town I grew up in. I knew maybe three people when I first arrived there, by this particular September I could hardly step outside the flat I had acquired without conversing with at least three people I had become familiar with.

This new town was a small one; everyone knew everyone else’s business so how I managed to eventually leave without so much as a corner of an eye questioning my departure was really beyond me.

Anne, Annie as she liked to be called, we simply clicked on one drink fuel night. It had been more than just one night out, we spent the next eight months together and I even considered proposing, never quite got that far for by chance I caught her in the arms of another. What really got me was that despite catching them in the act more or less, she tried to tell me that I did not see what I actually did see, silly girl.

Did she think so little of me to not only be with another but to also try to tell me I was seeing things? I did see things, I saw things for what they were and she was soon to see no more and for her unfortunate new love, the same can also be said.

I spent four more months in that town after the deed was done and before moving away to go into business for myself and business has been good, so good in fact that I opened a second and a third store so I had places to settle at times I need somewhere different to settle. However, there had been a brief visit home first. The town you grow up in, isn’t that where one's true home is and always will be?

Today I’m looking at selling up and retiring, financially I can do that and see out the rest of my life comfortable no matter the fact that I am only in my mid-forties. Besides after last week, it is time to move on once again.

Rachel Macadam, a fiery red-head three years younger than myself, fiery is right or rather was right. Divorced, two grown kids, she had no problem coming right for me no matter the fact that I am her boss, was her boss. The most intense relationship I have ever had and I am glad I succumbed to her advances no matter the final outcome of that relationship. If I regret any of my actions at all then there is regret in having to take her and her former husband out, well perhaps no regret as it relates to the husband.

She had gone back to him, can you believe that? While I thought things were all well and good she went back to hubby two shoes behind my back. Their unofficial burial gives me cause to once again move on as I always do in these cases. Moving on, huh, could that come back and bite me?

If for some reason or another, authorities decide to connect me with all these missing people plus others I have yet to mention then would the fact that I move on not long after said certain people have gone missing, people who can be connected with me, work against me if I have to defend myself in a court of law?

The hell if I know, and the new tattoo I am to get, it is all a bit much, right? And returning briefly to my home town for that too, I’m setting myself up; sure this right here is as good as a confession, maybe I all too confident in myself, perhaps thinking of myself somehow as being too good to be caught? I have gotten this far after all and I am still here.

You might say emotion will get the better of me, sure isn’t emotion what got me into all this in the first place? If I needed to learn control then Felicia Adams thought me a valuable lesson. Felicia and I were together for the most part of 2004. She had a MySpace page and I was yet to involve myself in any kind of social media so I went to set up my own account.

Bitch, but maybe we were more alike than I am willing to admit; maybe she liked taking risks, setting herself to be caught. She knew that I knew she had a MySpace account. She as it was would be the first person I’d want to add to my new setup. She must have wanted to be caught, or maybe she thought she was too good to be caught. If her intention was to hurt me then she succeeded, at that then so, she got what she deserved.

She had photos up on her account. Three of the photos were of Felicia and some other chap named Jason something or other and they appeared to be a bit too friendly towards one another in these photos and at that she had titled the pictures as being me and my fiancée, her fiancée, how nice? Not. Nice indeed only lasts so long, she set it up and he took the fall with her.

No one can know any of what I’ve told here, but still, I’ve put it out there. What does the future hold? Only time will tell.



Written by actung
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