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Tubby Johnson (Almost) Saves The World (Sort Of)

"And all it took was discipline. And diet. And maybe a little megalomania."
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This is the story of Tubby Johnson, and how he almost saved the world — and almost destroyed it as well.

Tubby Johnson’s real name has been lost to history, but we know something about his early years. We know he was smart, and he was funny, and a little shy — and also a little tubby. Not so much that it was a problem, but just enough that people would remark on it and that he earned the nickname.

He was a good boy, and nobody had anything bad to say about him...other than that he was tubby. His parents would bring it up day after day, telling him he’d be so much happier and healthier if he lost weight. His friends would say he could play better and do so much more.

But Tubby would only smile and nod and continue with his life, ignoring his weight problem, and delighting in his nickname, growing to manhood still tubby.

And then one day — one New Year’s Day, in fact — after Tubby’s girlfriend brought up his weight again for the hundredth time, Tubby finally decided to do something about it.

But Tubby never did anything halfway — if he was going to do something, he was going to do it right.

So Tubby did what he always did: he did his research, and he experimented, and he put in the work.

He changed his diet — he tried high-protein diets, low-fat, low-carb; he took supplements and vitamins and experimented; he ate like a caveman and like a vegetarian and a little child. He began to exercise — he jogged, he climbed mountains, he hit the gym, he did tai chi, he took up boxing, he swam, he cycled, he meditated. He slept — the right amount, not too much to interfere with his exercise schedule or his research or anything else.

In no time at all, Tubby wasn’t really tubby any longer. In fact, he was an extremely fit and athletic and downright handsome man, and men and women would stop and stare and admire his physique as he passed.

And Tubby stared back...and he didn’t like what he saw — so many of the people he encountered were too thin, or too fat, or just not fit enough. And he could not abide a world where people let their health — and their looks — go like that.

So Tubby decided to do something about it. He opened his own gym, and soon people were coming from far and wide to experience the Tubby Workout. So Tubby released his own workout videos as well, and then launched the Tubby Diet, and a range of supplements and pre-planned meals, and a bestselling series of books.

And soon Tubby grew rich, helping millions of people around the world Fight the Flab (™) and Waste That Waist (™). And fans of fitness everywhere adored him.

But still Tubby wasn’t satisfied. He looked around the world and he saw people starving and food being wasted.

So Tubby devised a method of delivering his amazing meals and supplements all over the world, and soon food aid was replaced by Tubby Aid — and governments around the world rejoiced.

And Tubby noticed millions of flabby cats and dogs and other pets that were slowly dying of lack of fitness...so he launched the Tubby Pet Exercise Programme and Tubby Pet Food, and all around the world, pets regained the gleam in their eyes, and played happily with their delighted masters.

And still Tubby wasn’t satisfied.

For in his researches, he had discovered that all the exercise and the dieting and all the good he did still didn’t touch the flabbiest part of him — the atoms that made up his body.

More than 90% of an atom was nothing but empty space, he was shocked to find out! How much fitter could he be if he could just let out all that space and be the perfect condensed specimen of manhood?

And so Tubby worked day and night on this problem, using his fortune and his determination and everything he could muster.

Until one day he announced to the world that he had perfected The Ultimate Tubby Programme — an inexpensive treatment that would make everyone who took it thinner and stronger and just a generally more efficient human being than any other human had ever been.

And all around the world, his legions of fans paid rapt attention as Tubby revealed, on live television, that he would test the programme out on himself first, in the midst of the factory that would release the Programme to the world.

And so he flipped the switches, and adjusted the machines, and undertook the necessary preparations. And then he took one little pill, and waited.

And the world held its breath, waiting with him.

Then it happened. Tubby began to shrink, before their very eyes.

He smiled as he became smaller in every dimension, and began to glow...and the people cheered before their televisions.

And then he stopped smiling, and he started screaming, and he began shrinking faster, and faster, and faster...and the glow began to increase...and suddenly there was a gigantic flash!

And when the flash had cleared, the factory had exploded, and Tubby Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

And the people mourned their fallen hero...and turned away from their TVs, and their diets, and their exercise programmes, and returned to their lives.

And nothing more was ever heard from Tubby Johnson, except for the commercials that continued to air, mysteriously, in the wee hours of the night.

And thus ends the legend of Tubby Johnson, whose name will never be forgotten.

Published 
LousyNick

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