I am sitting at my desk at work, trying to appear to be ignoring my students...I am so tired of listening to talk of drugs and stealing things and and swearing....AAAAHHHHHH there's the bell! It's lunch time!
The sun, the moon, the void... one is bright and heeming with energy, so therefore the sun. The second a wise mother to all. Beautiful, helpful, and always there even when you can't see her, the moon. Finally the last one, dark ominous, vast and ever present, the void.
I just realized that I have to finish typing part 4...ugh...I forgot.
I find it interesting how people will hide their real feelings about a person 'to be nice' and when the person is not there they don't seem to mind being less than nice. But what is even better are the innocent bystanders who passively watch it and allow it to happen. I've lost more than one friend by correcting them about what they said about a person when they were not there. For instance:
Jim (speaking with myself and two others listening) "You should have seen Bob at the game. He has a total lack of understanding of baseball strategy. He's dumber than a rock. The team would be so much better without him."
Jim (after friend Bob joined us) "It's too bad the coach doesn't think about baseball the way you do Bob. Maybe we'd have a better record. I was just telling everyone what a great head you have for the game." as he gives a little smile and glances at the other people who were there earlier.
Me "That's not what you said Jim. You said Bob didn't know shit about baseball and that we'd be better off without him because he's dumber as a rock."
Bob "Is that so Jim!" (he's pissed)
Jim "I never said anything like that. I didn't say you didn't know shit about baseball."
Bob "But Roland said you did. He's never lied to me and I know you talk behind peoples back all the time."
Jim "He's just jealous because I'm a better player than him." (no he wasn't, not even close and Bob knew it)
Bob "Is that true Roland?" (he's still pissed)
Me "No it's not this shithead is lying. I'm not jealous of a worthless second-stringer. Ask Al & Bill, they were here."
Al and Bill just stare at everyone but remain silent.
Bob "Well who's telling the truth. Al? Bill?"
Al "I didn't here anything. I don't know what they're talking about."
Bill "He didn't say you don't know shit about baseball, well not in those words."
Bob "I should kick your ass."
Me "For what? I'm the only one telling the truth."
Then Bob kicks my ass as Al & Bill slink away and Jim laughs.
Later Bill tells Bob the truth. Bob comes to me and apologizes to me then tells me he can never trust me because if I would rat on Jim, I would probably rat on him.
I just don't understand how things work I guess. At least I was happy to find out that Bob kicked Al and Jim ass too. Four friends that I was never close to again. Was I right? Was I a rat?
There is an old saying, 'The person who rocks the boat is usually the first one wet."
I think about things like this and realize how much I don't really understand about people. I can usually logically explain why the people do what they do. Intellectually I understand, but in my heart I just don't get it.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there.
There all idiots Roland. Can't handle the truth and only do what they think others want to hear. I lost a friend for bad mouthing a girl (who not only was a horrible influence, but fake as hell, and turning into a slut.) But my friend still decided to dump me as a friend because the girl was pissed and told her something about me. I don't particularly care. I was gone the next week anyways. The girl is probably fulfilling her own self prophecy of being one of those arrogant slutty girls, when she could of been so much more.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I should not be here any more, then I don't. tick tock, don't know what to do.
I want lay in a bath tub of blood n sing
Lately, I haven't exactly been wanting to write. I'm tired of writing poems. I seem to start a story and then stop and never start again. I found a story that I wrote almost six months ago and it is very strange. It goes nowhere and really doesn't do much, but I found it very satisfying to write. I'm just wondering if others would like to read it. To me, it needs a sequel, but I don't really want to write a sequel and at the same time, it feels as if the story is incomplete, even though it is actually complete. I guess you'd have to read the damned thing to actually understand what I'm banging on about.
It's cold, I feel numb. My face it wet, why am I shivering? My heart aches for some odd reason, the voices in my head are just too loud. Im confused, wasn't I fine yesterday? Wasn't I okay earlier today? Where did it go wrong? How did I come to this dark place in my mind yet again?! No... I was angry, I was furious. Because... well just forget it. Don't want to burden you with my problems anymore then I have.
I know I shouldn't feel abandon but I do. I know that I have people that care but I feel unloved. it is just a feeling and it goes away but I hurts so much. I just want to go up to my friends here and outside here and tell them who I fully feel. I just can't, I try so hard but I just can't. It is like a line between me and my friends; I want to cross it but every time I try something always gets me to stay back. Maybe I just should right? I mean I don't want to hurt people and hell sure don't want to get hurt either. No, maybe I should risk it and have the risk of never feeling the same. I mean who cares right? I am trying to reach out ; that's good enough. And if I fail then, o well, right? Trying counts... oh look I am just rambling now. I should be quite and keep the rest to myself.
--( ..)--(.. )--
Best friends forever.
Kind-hearted Aussie Angel
I am feeling really alone like i have all my life, even though i have some of the most amazing friends... maybe its time to stop caring and helping others .
... only thing on my mind... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! don't mess with me.
I feel distant everyone...heh.... and it is because of me.