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HomeGeneral StoriesBawdy Tales Pt. 02 — The Cook's Story

Bawdy Tales Pt. 02 — The Cook's Story

Bawtry, The Swan, May 26th. A much more cheerful party reached Bawtry well before dusk after a brisk walk of about twenty-four miles, having left the Lamb once we had broken our fast on bread, cheese, and ale. The task of providing our night's entertainment fell on the cook, a jolly fat fellow, with a laugh like the bellow of a bull. We were starting to get to know each other better, and there was much chatter on the road, and some laughter too, as the terrible events of the previous weeks began to fade from memory. The monk's scurrilous tale of the lecherous Prioress had certainly livened things up, and there were many leering glances and knowing winks in his direction, as he strode along piously saying his rosary.

I fell to thinking as we journeyed about my former life and the new path on which I was bent. It came to me that if I were not to remain in sorrow for all I had so recently lost, I would perchance need to make a complete break with the past. So I decided to take on a new identity, casting off my old Saxon name of Oswine, and taking a name more suited to modern times. From now on I would, therefore be known to the world as William of York, a decision that filled my heart with lightness, free to step into the future with hope.

As I was sitting by the fire afore supper nursing my jug of ale, the common whore, whose name was Alice, sidled up to me, and after a few minutes of silence made so bold as to speak, though in an undertone so that no one else could eavesdrop. Though unlearned, it seemed that she was a lass of uncommon good sense, for, as she pointed out, what was in the past could not be undone, and it was better to thank God for our good fortune and look to the future.

I must confess, she was a comely maid, and I was glad of her company, but I was surprised by her words when she spoke again, for she offered to come to my bed later that night and relieve my melancholy the only way she knew; with her body. I flatter myself that I am still lusty and strong, and I had been somewhat aroused by the previous night's story, so despite my loss, I felt a stirring in my loins as she spoke. I was sure that Godgifu would not have begrudged me such consolation as Alice would give me, so I turned to her and simply nodded my assent. Nothing more was said, and she soon left me to return to the other women where they were sat in an inglenook enjoying the last rays of the setting sun.

After a good supper of lamb stew and turnip, we all gathered round the cook to hear what he had to offer for our enjoyment, expecting no doubt a tale of gluttony and greed. Before I tell you his tale, however, I feel I ought to recount what happened after I had retired to my cot in a little room under the eaves of the inn.

I had retired for the night and was about to extinguish my candle when there was a gentle tapping on the door. On opening it, I found Alice standing there, wearing no more than a simple linen shift to preserve her modesty. I stood aside to allow her entry to my humble room, and then bolted the door behind her to prevent any from disturbing us. When I turned back to her, she had removed her shift, and stood naked before me, her flesh warm and inviting in the candle light.

As I feasted my eyes on her alluring beauty, its sweet secret places still shrouded in shadow; I felt a long-forgotten stirring in my loins. As I stood there, she came to me, and, leaning forwards, kissed me softly on the lips, then knelt and lifted my shirt to reveal my growing manhood. The following few minutes were full of such delight as I could not have imagined. Using every device of her hands, lips and tongue she did things to me that my wife, bless her memory, would never have dreamed of. If only, I thought, that all women learned the arts of the whore, the world would be a happier place.

The holy truth was that I felt as if I had the life and vigour of a young man, and had it not been for her skill I would have soon shot my bolt, so long had it been since iI had known carnal love. But she would take me to the very gates of paradise and then allow me to fall back a little, before leading me up the slopes again, each time sweeter and more intense than the last. Finally, she pushed me back onto my bed, straddling my thighs, and with a sigh, she sank down upon me until our bodies were joined as one. Leaning forward she kissed me on my throat and chin, and then on my lips, probing deep into my mouth as she rode me as one would a stallion, spurring me on to heights of ecstasy.

Oh, my friends, I have no words to describe the bliss that stole over me or the piercing and exquisite sensations that filled my whole body that a deep rapture. All memory of my recent pain was driven from my mind, and I was soon truly walking in Eden, lost to the world and its woes. I do not know how long we dallied in the groves of Paradise, for I had lost all account of time, but at last, my release could no longer be delayed, and in that endless moment of indescribable joy we both cried out, as we entered together into the intimate mystery of human love.

For a while we drifted on the borders of awareness, still united in the flesh, but at length, our bodies parted, and with a deep sigh Alice fell into a deep sleep curled up in my arms. I lay awake for a while, lost in wonder at the miracle that had passed; for the first time since the pestilence took away all that had been dear to me, I felt a sense of peace. I silently thanked Alice for the pity she had showed me in the only way that she could, but also realised that I had met a need in her for love.


The Cook's Tale:

You know, my friends, when our friend the monk was talking about the Devil last night I grew to thinking that he would be quite at home in the heat and smoke of my kitchen. In the gloom, the fire roaring away in the great hearth could be the entry to Hell, and it would be no surprise to see the Devil himself appear at any moment. So while we were walking along the road, I bethought me what hot tale I could cook up to entertain you tonight, and then I remembered something which happened many years ago involving the Devil, a great Lady and a foolish suitor for her favours.

This all took place when I was just a scullion in the house of a great Lord. Oh. we were rascals, we lads; I remember how we used to have a competition to see who could creep up behind the cook when she wasn't looking, and put our hands up her skirts and have a good feel of her bum. Woe betide you if she caught you, though; she had arms like tree trunks and hands as big as hams, and if she caught you round the ear with a smack you would be seeing stars for a goodly time.

Our other entertainment was to see if we could catch the maids in a dark corner for a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, and more if they would let us. It was all good harmless fun, and a welcome diversion, because the days were long and exhausting supplying all the needs of the great folk in the hall.

It was with those maids who were willing that I first learned of the delights to be found between a woman’s thighs. No doubt I sired a few little bastards, although no one could have proved they were mine, as those maids who would gave of their favours to many.

Well, back to my story. Our Lord was a great warrior and took a mighty company with him to fight in the King’s Scottish Wars. He was away for many years, and some wondered whether he would ever return alive. At this point, I must recount that his Lady was very beautiful, and many years younger than our Lord, although we lowly servants only saw her at the great feasts when we were called on to serve at the tables. Many were the minstrels who would visit the castle and sing their songs of unrequited love, and our Lady had many suitors, just like Penelope in the story of Odysseus and his return from Troy.

One of these suitors was almost desperate with love and determined to have the Lady for his own. In truth he wasn't much of a man, being short of stature and somewhat larded to boot, but love can make fools of us all, and no doubt in his own eyes his virtues were such that the Lady would willingly give herself to him. How, he thought, he could win over the wife of a great and mighty man of the sword I cannot say; why, I am even told he could not keep his seat on a horse for more than a few seconds before tumbling off to lie in the dirt, kicking his legs like a beetle that has been turned over by a cruel youth for his sport.

Such was his infatuation; he bethought himself to find some device by which he might visit the Lady in the privacy of her solar. He reasoned to himself that if he could secrete himself in some way in her chamber, once she was asleep he might silently creep into her bed and lie with her. Accordingly, he made himself familiar with the Lady’s personal maid, and on every opportunity, he would sidle up to her, and with soft words and cheap baubles he attempted to recruit her in his mission. After many weeks of this flattery, it seemed that this poor girl was entirely won over, seduced by many false protestations of adoration.

So it came to pass, one night after supper, while the company was being entertained by the Lord’s Jester, she allowed him entry into the Lady’s private chamber, and hid him among the Lady's furs and gowns in her garderobe. Now, it should be said that this maid was not as gullible a she appeared, and having grown wise to our erstwhile hero’s wiles, had decided to pay him back for his impudence. So the room was not, as he believed, that of the Lady, but a room lately occupied by her mother, who had but lately passed away.

Many long minutes later, the maid herself returned, but artfully disguised as her mistress in one of her robes, and wearing a templer and veil to conceal her face. Crossing the room, but careful to keep her back to the garderobe where the eager lover was concealed, she knelt at the prie-dieu in a small alcove to say her nightly Rosary, as well as prayers for her Lord’s safe return.

Our hero, poor deluded fool, and only able to see through a crack in the panelling, was completely taken in, and as the minutes passed grew ever more excited in anticipation of her debauching. Finally, her prayers finished, the maid turned and moved towards the great bed as if about to disrobe, increasing his arousal even further. However, as she passed the garderobe, she turned the key in the lock, and then left the chamber, laughing quietly to herself.

By the time she returned in the morning to release him from his prison, the intemperate suitor was in quite a state, there being nowhere for him to relieve himself of his full bladder. It caused much merriment among the other servants, who had been made privy to the subterfuge, as he fled down the corridors clutching his privates, in a vain attempt not to piss himself. The maid herself just collapsed on the bed clutching her sides in mirth. I'm afraid to say that it was not long before everyone learned about his plight, and for many days people would cover their mouths and snigger behind his back as he passed.

Having tried everything, songs and gifts, and pledges of eternal love, all to no avail because the lady was as virtuous as she was beautiful, this suitor was willing to try anything in his desperation. So it was that he decided on a very perilous course, and one dark night he called on the devil to aid him in his quest to gain the bed of the object of his desire and promised to give his soul if he were successful.

Well, the Devil was a cunning fellow and thought to himself that he could have some fun at this fool’s expense. As you well know, the Devil can take any disguise, and he suggested that one night he should enter her chamber in the guise of her Lord. She would surely welcome his advances gladly after so many lonely nights, and by this subterfuge, he would make love to her. At the height of her passion, he would suggest that she go down on all fours so that he could plough her from behind, which would be the opportunity for our suitor to take his place and enter her divine portals. Foolish man that he was, the suitor thought that this was a most excellent and cunning plan, and he could hardly contain himself at the thought of ravishing the Lady.

At last the opportunity presented itself, and while the Devil in his disguise as her Lord, began to woo the Lady with sweet kisses, and many caresses of her most secret parts, our suitor quietly slipped into the chamber and hid behind an arras. The Devil was in no hurry, finding the Lady most agreeable, and therefore desirous of taking his own pleasure before allowing the suitor to take his turn at her sweet cunny. It wasn't often that the opportunity of enjoying such a comely and virtuous female presented itself, and he had spent many days ruminating on the delicious thought of slaking his hot desire in those delightful places forbidden to all but a husband.

The suitor grew very impatient watching the Devil tenderly making love to the object of his desire, and started wishing he would get on with it, but the sight of the Devil thrusting hard at his labours made him so aroused that he could not resist pleasuring himself. So excited did he become, hearing the Lady’s moans of ecstasy, he almost shed his seed before he had the opportunity to pound her himself.

Finally, after far too long a time for our suitor, who was hopping up and down in anticipation of his triumph, the Devil did as he had promised and the suitor leapt out from his hiding place, proudly aloft ready to take his pleasure. But before he could consummate his desires, there came a sound of voices from outside the door to the chamber and the clank of iron shod boots. The door burst open, and the great Lord himself entered, returned unexpectedly from the wars, eager to enjoy the favours of his beloved wife. Seeing our suitor about to cuckold him, he let out a roar, and drawing his mighty sword, proceeded to beat the hapless fool about the buttocks with the flat of it, raising great wheals, such was the force of his blows.

In a great state of alarm, and fearing for his life, the suitor fled down the corridors of the keep, clutching his clothes around him, and squealing with pain at each repeated blow from the Lord’s mighty weapon. The Devil, who had known in advance of the Lord’s return, just stood in the shadows clutching his sides with unholy glee, before disappearing up the chimney in a cloud of smoke and flame.

You may be concerned at this point about the fate of the Lady, but I can set your minds at rest. The evidence of scorch marks on the sheets and cloven-hoofed footprints burned into the wood of the floor persuaded the wronged Lord that she had been the victim of diabolic magic.

As for the hapless suitor, things looked black for him indeed, but after hearing the testimony of the Lady’s maid and her story of his humiliation, as well as her defence of the Lady’s virtue, the Lord decided to be merciful, and merely banished him to the kitchens to tend the fires for the rest of his life. There you would see him, soot-stained and forlorn, the smell of roasting flesh no doubt putting him in mind of all those little demons with their red-hot irons waiting for him once his miserable life was over. It is also said that his cock shrivelled up that night until it was smaller than his little finger, but I never saw evidence of this for myself.

The moral of this tale, my friends, is never to aim above your station in life, and under no circumstance enter into a pact with the Devil, because he is not to be trusted, and you will only live to regret it.

This story is protected by International Copyright Law, by the author, all rights reserved. If found posted anywhere other than with this note attached, it has been posted without my permission.

Copyright © 2021 by Keith Paver

All rights reserved, including all copyrights and all other intellectual property rights in the contents hereof.

The compositions and contents herein are not to be copied, reproduced, printed, published, posted, displayed, incorporated, stored in or scanned into a retrieval system or database, transmitted, broadcast, bartered or sold, in whole or in part without the prior express written permission of the sole author. Unauthorized duplication is strictly prohibited and is an infringement of National and International Copyright laws.

All names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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