After I obtained my driver license, my father and mother independently counseled me about sex. The talks were embarrassing but when done, they both had let me know their expectations about teenage sexual behaviors. Later, when I compared myself with other kids, I was glad I had my parents. The other kids had no freedoms and no boundaries. I had both. The other kids were confused about what was acceptable but I wasn’t. Other kids were ashamed of sex or showed a false face about it but not me.
When it came to dating, my older sisters and my parents were clear on what was permitted and what was not.
When your Dad pointed his finger at you and says, Condom or no condom, don’t put your dick in a woman until you are married, you know exactly what he means. No interpreter is needed when he says, Intercourse is not acceptable; however, respectful outercourse with your girlfriend is. Be discreet about it, too. If you don’t know what outercourse is, look it up. Might want to look up discreet also.
(Of course, I looked both of them up, just in case.)
There’s no casual sex as a teenager. Don’t even think about it. No hooking up. It’s disrespectful to your mother and to me and to the ways in which you were raised. You wouldn’t want your sisters to date men who disrespect them, would you? Then don’t be the man who disrespects someone’s sister.
As you can tell, my Dad is clear about what is acceptable and what is not.
My mom’s counseling came a few days later. I couldn’t imagine her telling me the things my Dad had said. She didn’t. She was more practical than authoritative.
Richard. When she used the formal form, I knew she was parental and not motherly.
Richard, I’m asking you out on a date for Friday night. It’s time you learned about dating. Just like you learned to drive a car before you went to driver education, I will teach you how to be a good date before you have one. I’d like you to take me to dinner and to a movie. Will you pick me up at six o’clock?
(Oh, nooo. A date with my mom? Sheesh.)
I know you’d be embarrassed if you were to be seen with me, so we will have our date in another town. No one will know but your Dad and me that we went on a practice date.
When we went on our practice date, my mother taught me that dating was learning about another person and about sharing an experience. Hanging out was not a date. Friends hang out. Dates are doing things together with an expectation of a kiss. The more dates, the more kissing. She said kissing was good for both people.
My mother taught me how to order dinner for a woman as well as for myself. She taught me the use of dinnerware and about holding a conversation while eating.
During our conversation, I learned my mother dated three men before meeting my father. I asked her if she kissed them and she said yes. I couldn’t imagine my mom kissing another man and I told her that. She said all dates are experiences to apply when I meet that special someone. She said it was her kissing practice with other men that helped her become a special someone for my Dad. (I didn’t really understand her meaning until I met Heather a year later.)
After dinner, my mom had me order dessert with two spoons. She said girls liked to share dessert with their dates and I should do this with mine. She also said I should never use a fork when sharing a dessert.
She said something like, Things fall off forks; never off of spoons.
I remember her smiling wisely, or whimsically, I could never tell the difference with her. She continued, Spooning is better than forking. Forking makes a mess that spooning never does; plus girls don’t like boys who make a mess of things.
I think there was a message in there somewhere but at sixteen it was over my head. So I just nodded.
My mom told me dating is borrowing a person from a family for a period of time. I should always be on time and I should talk to the family before and after my date whenever possible. She said they will want to know their daughter is safe and having a good time with me.
When we got home, my mother had me walk her to the front door. She said this is the time to tell your date why you liked the date. So I did. I told her how she made me feel special and I learned how lucky my Dad was to have married her and that I could not possibly have a better mom. She said I did that part perfectly and this is the part where I could kiss the girl. Since she was my mom, she said we would just hug. She gave me the best hug and that was the end of our date.
Dad couldn’t keep a secret. Never could. So the next morning, my sisters invited me to go on dates with each of them. They said I should learn about dating from someone closer to my age. My Mom and Dad said it was a good idea and they offered to pay.
I learned new things about my sisters. That is what dating is about. I also learned there are good dates and bad dates. My sisters were clear they never wanted to hear I was a bad date. They told me what they liked and didn’t like about boys they dated. I heard about cuddling and why girls liked it. They told me, too, that a girl controls the kissing and hugging, not the boy. I asked my older sister, Amber, if her girlfriend Katie could teach me how to kiss. Amber punched me hard and told me I was a bad date to talk about another girl while I was on a date with her. She also said I had to practice kissing with girls who were my age.
These were good experiences for me. My mom was right. Kissing is good for both people and practice dates help you make it special for others. Like Heather.
Heather and I talked about our commitment to penetration abstinence several times. Heather was fascinated I was a virgin and that I intended to remain one until married. She thought she would never meet a boy who shared her perspective about sex before marriage. Outercourse, not intercourse. Both of us were happy we found each other at seventeen, and we had rocking good orgasms as often as possible.