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Halloween Humor

A True Story

This is a true story.

The year was 1996 and I decide it was time to retire the Dracula costume and makeup that I had worn for so many years. Why the change? It seems whenever the topic of an upcoming Halloween party arose in conversation no one bothered to ask what I was going as.

"Let me guess, you're coming as Dracula," they responded in bored voices.

So I decided it was time to think outside the norm. At the last Halloween party I emceed at a local nightclub the first place prize went to a bodybuilder dressed as a streetwalker. When I asked his characters name this big musclebound mass responded in a falsetto voice and said.

" I am Yvette, the transvestite."

He was a big hit with the crowds and judges. Well if he could do it, so could I. Now I had spent the last six months in serious weight training program and at fourty I was in the best shape of my life.

So I procured a pair of black spandex tights from a dancers supply house. A visit to a second hand store yielded a wig and mock leather skirt and shirt. I then paid a visit to a local magazine shop that carried periodicals on every type of lifestyle imaginable.

Once there I grabbed a magazine on cross dressing because I saw that there was a large section on makeup tips. The looks I got from the proprietor were priceless, here was this tough looking cop buying cross dressing magazines.

In the next few weeks I had gathered almost all the costume parts I would need, the only item that was missing was footwear. I needed a pair of high heels. So once I journeyed to the second hand store in search of high heels and found plenty.

To assist me I wore a pair of slip-on gym shoes and thin dress socks. Whenever I saw a pair that looked like they would fit I would slip off one shoe and slip the heel on. It was done very fast so as not to raise any eyebrows, I finally found a pair with a two inch heel.

Now I never gave much thought about how I would walk in heels, I mean how hard could it be? Every little girl can clomp around the house in her mommy's shoes that were easily 5 sizes too big, these shoes would fit me properly.

So I took a seat in the kitchen of my apartment and slipped off my tennis shoes and donned the heels and stood up, so far so good. I then attempted to walk across the room from the linoleum to the carpeted front room.

I made about two steps when my ankle twisted and all 6'1" and 240 lbs came crashing down face first. Only years of martial arts training and the constant practice of the proper way to break a fall saved me from smashing my face.

I was so angry that I removed the heels and broke then into a dozen pieces, well so much for that idea. Halloween was about two days away and my great costume plans went out the window. I needed a backup plan.

I kept the spandex tights and leather shirt. I added my weightlifting belt and gloves, police motorcycle boots and a whip.

I stopped at a local shop that featured a variety of spiked and studded jewelry and scored some studded wrist bands. A piece of black velvet was fashioned into a mask and presto chango the S and M Master was born.

I wore it at a local costume party for singles and won first prize in the Men's class.

I now have healthy respect for any lady that can walk in high heels for hours on end. I couldn't even make it across the room.

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