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How To Be A Master Criminal

Being a Criminal Mastermind isn't easy

The annals of fiction are full of master criminals and evil geniuses. From Sherlock Holmes’ Professor Moriarty to James Bond’s Doctor No, to Superman’s Lex Luthor, each dashing hero must have a worthy nemesis to prove his credentials.

Yet, for the budding ne’er-do-well mastermind there is little guidance on how to proceed with such a career. After one tires of robbing post offices and breaking into supermarkets the ambitious felon is left to his own devices as to how to progress. Here, therefore, is a brief guide which those with a lust for world domination might wish to consider.

Firstly, one requires a suitably demonic name. Joe Smith just isn’t going to cut it in the big league. Try and go for something that is likely to strike terror into the general populace, and a title is almost mandatory. Dr Death, Lord Larceny, Baron Beastly, that sort of thing.

The next requirement is for a criminal lair and the more outlandish its location, the better. Icebergs, volcanoes, desert islands or remote castles are more than suitable.

Thirdly one will require a henchman or sidekick. He should be immensely physically powerful and hopefully have some feature such as metal teeth or a steel-rimmed bowler hat to mark him out. It is he who will have to wrestle with the hero, as you are the brains behind the operation, not the muscle, known more for your ability to plan destruction rather than deliver a right uppercut.

Fourthly you will need a moll. Pretty but stupid is probably an apt description. A touch of the floozy in her nature would help also as she will, no doubt, require to vamp it up the hero in an attempt to distract him. Do budget for extra-long false eyelashes.

The last requirement, and possibly the most important, is a masterplan, for without one you are no more than a dilettante and not really serious about subjugating mankind. The hijacking of nuclear missiles, the raiding of Fort Knox , the kidnapping of senior politicians, should all be considered, but are all a little passé in this modern day and age. Our modern miscreant marvel is more likely to be hacking into the networks of the world’s major military powers and confounding their firewalls. Not as visual but this isn’t a movie, after all.

Demands of billions of dollars should now be made to the UN and a deadline set. This should all be done according to a pre-established timetable, child’s play to one who has a brain the size of a planet and the morals of a rabid rat. Your adversary, the hero, will no doubt try to interfere with your plans at this point. He will, at some point, fall into your clutches and it is imperative that you do not imprison him, torture him or question him. Shoot him dead the minute he turns up. Don’t leave it your hirelings, just take a gun and shoot him dead on the spot. Many potential greats have failed in their dreams because they have allowed this do-gooder to work out a way to escape and call up the cavalry.

Following this recipe should set you up well as a criminal mastermind.

Good luck with your career and do let us know how you get on.

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Copyright © © 2012 Gurmeet Mattu
The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

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