To understand my story, I guess I’d better start at the beginning. I was at one time, a story moderator for an online story site (not this one of course, but one like it). I was selected because someone liked what I wrote and thought I had potential. It came with a “lifetime” membership and access to moderator only forums on the site. These forums were for the most part, meant for us to ask questions, post issues with specific members (which was rare, but happened), or on occasion, joke around with one another. It was the last option that led to my story.

I honestly don’t remember what the initial thread was about, but a moderator, whom I’ll call “Mod X” for this story, was posting in it like the rest of us (because while they may one day read this, someone who knows them might also read it and I wish to respect their privacy). At some point, Mod X said something about getting themselves fired from the site. I wish to stress that this was said in a joking fashion and anyone who might remember this should also recall this. That being said, I too made what I thought was a joke in turn, but what I actually said, looking back on it, was stupid, insensitive, and unintentionally racist. I won’t repeat what I said because there is no reason to be so wrong… again.

When I said what I said, I didn’t think twice about it. As I said, it was intended to be a joke (and again, I acknowledge that it wasn’t). After a period of time (less than an hour I’d say, but I could be wrong), a fellow moderator reached out to me and told me that Mod X was hurt and angered by what I said. Now, I had nothing against Mod X, and I surely didn’t intend to cause any harm to anyone, so I quickly went back to the forum, and while I couldn’t delete what I had said, I did change it to something more positive. However, the damage was done. I just didn’t know it yet.

A few days later, Mod X reached out to inform me that not only would they deal with me in a limited, professional capacity because they must, but we would not be friends ever and that I was a horrible person. This hurt my feelings, and unfortunately when I’m hurt, I do stupid stuff. What I should have done was delete the email. What I did was reply. Yeah, huge mistake.

My reply was my foolish attempt to justify my stupidity and ignorance. I never intended to hurt anyone with what I said (especially Mod X), but I did. Instead of accepting that this was what I had done, I lashed back and like an idiot, tried to defend myself. Mod X wasn’t impressed with my poor choices and took this situation up the chain of command. Now, I don’t blame Mod X for this because, as I said, I was foolish. However, I felt that the “powers that be” didn’t do enough to solve the problem fairly (my opinion and I’m sure I’m one of the few who feels this way). There was no real investigation or even asking me about my side (not that I had much of one) and I was removed from my duties.

I tried to post a goodbye where I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t want to rehash what happened and I knew that it would only cause problems, but sadly, Mod X did respond and like an idiot, I responded in kind. I know, I know, you’d think I would have learned. Thus, my farewell was cut short yet. Most of the few friends I had stopped talking to me. I don’t know if they sided with Mod X, or just felt I was too toxic to be around anymore. What I do know is that the few times I reached out, my messages were ignored or unanswered (not really sure which, nor does it matter). Despite my plea to the “powers that be” to hear my side, I was told I was done and the only “compensation” was my “life-time membership”. Well, it turns out that that “lifetime” had an expiration date that has come and gone and what I once had is also gone.

So, time passed and as many know, time does not heal all wounds, but it allows for reflection. That reflection helped me realize that on some level, Mod X was right (I know, I know, I was surprised too). I was horrible. I only saw the situation from my side, not theirs. I never apologized to Mod X for my poor, idiotic choices. So, here it is, way too late.

To Mod X (you know who you are), if you ever read this, please know this is my way of taking ownership of my stupidity, lack of compassion, and overall ignorance. I’m sorry that what I said upset, offended, and possibly hurt you. While I may not always agree with you, I never intended to disrespect you. If I could go back in time and stop myself from making such a colossal mistake, I would (and I don’t say things like that often). I don’t know if you will believe me or if you’re willing to forgive me (and I get it, I don’t deserve it), but please know that this event has lived rent free in my head since it happened. I’ve gone from blaming you (did I mention my extreme level of pure stupidity), to realizing that you were right and I was wrong, ignorant, insensitive, and a horrible human being (yup, I said it). I’m now more careful when I respond to something when I’m upset or hurt (you taught me that), I know that not every stupid thought that pops into my head needs to come out of my mouth and/or keyboard, and I’ve learned that sometimes I just need to shut my mouth and close my computer.

I know I can’t change the past, and usually I remind myself that this is for the best. However, on this one and only occasion, I do wish I could, if for nothing else, not hurt someone who didn’t deserve the pain I caused them.