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Why I Invented Gravy

  1. Because some meats are very dry. For centuries people just drizzled water, or Coke, on their overcooked cutlet or Grandma’s Classic Thanksgiving Sawdust Turkey, and this really just made their plates a gloppy mess. Do you really want Coca-Colo leeching into your Brussels sprouts? You're welcome.
  2. Because for a long time, no one really wanted to moisten their meat with “pan drippings.” Pan drippings really have no place outside of the pit at the Jiffy Lube. Just say the following sentences aloud: “Oh, I love to eat drippings” or “I say, garnish my meat with its own drippings, if you please.” See? We needed a new savory fluid. But nobody listened. Until me.
  3. Nobody ever really knew what to put on mashed potatoes. Not even scientists.
  4. The people of Britain needed their own “sauce,” and anyway I owed them a favor (ancestral Zees, angered Saxons – it’s a long story). The French had all kinds of sauces; the Germans had a variety of grease that they put on stuff, etc.
  5. There were really never any good meat-flavored beverages. I know, right?
  6. No legitimate substance with which to “smother” some food. Nobody is going to eat something “smothered in fat” or “smothered in tapioca.” (Well, they might, but they’d probably close their eyes while they ate it.)
  7. There weren’t many good choices for people who wanted to sit in a bathtub full of something warm and viscous. And, I'm sorry, but that just seemed wrong.
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