To Be Performed with a Minimalist Set: Small Table. Phone; Clawfoot Tub.
Small Table is Center Stage with a flip-out phone atop it. Clawfoot tup is upstage right.
The phone buzzes as lights dimly rise, spotlight on table.
Alphonse
( runs onto stage; out of breath to answer phone)
Phone Voice
Good Afternoon, This is Delta Bravo Water Systems returning the Call for a Mr. -- ?
Alphonse
Jeneaux, Alphonse Jeneaux. Yes. I’m calling about the matter of there being gold fish in my tap water. I run the sink for a bath and out come these gold fish along with the water. Can you do something to redirect the pipes or is this some sort of practical joke?
Phone Voice
Goldfish, sir?
Alphonse
That’s what I said. I am prepared to show you photos if needed. But you’re probably somewhere on a land line and can’t receive texts. Now, I waited all day for this call. I would like something to be done about the gold fish.
(beat)
Alphonse
Hello? Are you still there?
Phone Voice
Yes Sir, I am still here. I am not sure what to be done about gold fish. What county are you in?
Alphonse
Johnson. But only barely. It's actually outside of Johnson but before you get to Harrier.
Phone Voice (typing something)
One moment sir, let me check our database.
Alphonse
Alright. I do worry about the fish. I honestly didn’t know that many gold fish existed. Some of them may be koi, now that I think about it. What did you say your name was, Miss?
Phone Voice
(pause) I’m sorry to inform you sir, that you seem to be in the Unoccupied Territory of Bastian County. It only goes for 300 miles and is technically an annexed spot of land under dispute by the neighboring counties and the state itself.
Alphonse
Yes, I’m well aware of the dispute. I’m calling about the gold fish in my tap water. Also you didn’t answer my question as to your name.
Phone Voice (lying?)
(pause) Jessica. Jessica Miles.
Alphonse
Are you telling me the truth or did you pick a pseudonym out of thin air?
Jessica?
Sir, if you would like to complain about my phone service, I must remind you that your call is being monitored by my superiors, they can hear every word we say and are recording it to ensure quality phone calls in the future and present.
Alphonse
Remind me. You never said at the start. Rewind and see for yourself. What do you recommend that I do about the gold fish? They come right in with the water. I have been using my money to buy terrariums for them but it makes bathing very awkward.
Jessica?
Uhm, would you mind if I return your call once I speak to my superiors about your issue?
Alphonse (contained panic and a tense sigh).
Didn’t we just do this? This is what THIS IS. right now. And you’re asking to do it again?
Jessica?
There are gold fish in your tap water, sir. I’m just a call center worker. I’m out of my element. We may need to arrange to get a field agent out to your area.
Alphonse (tense, and starting to fidget)
Sure, when will that be?
Jessica?
We will let you know when we call you back in 5-10 business days. Thank you for utilizing Delta Bravo Water Systems
Phone disconnects; Lights fade to black; The sound of the dial tone lingers; (beat) Alphonse’s soft sobbing begins slowly and raises to an aggravated howl, the sound of him hitting his knees to the ground.
(beat)
Spotlight on the clawfoot tub. And the sound of the water turning on by itself.
End.
