DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Santa Claus: a midwinter icon
Hans Muff: a satyr
The Boy: a curious lad
The Archangel: a herald
Befana: an old woman
The Reindeer: an animal
Chorus: peasants, angels
INT. A PARLOR ROOM
A boy is seen in a chair, reading a book.
BOY
Santa Claus is very big and fat. He’s got a red suit and a white beard. He brings you many gifts, but not if you’ve been naughty. He sometimes frightens children, but I don’t thinks he means too.
(closes book)
Who is Santa Claus, I wonder?
Scene fades to…
INT. A THRONE ROOM
SONG: Carol of the Bells
Room is decorated with food and drink. Hans Muff enters with a chalice, filling it from a container.
HANS MUFF
(speaking)
It’s time to wake up, master.
Santa Claus, dressed in a green robe, with a holly wreath on his head, wakes up on his throne.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
This is the stuff that dreams are made with.
Hans Muff hands chalice to Santa Claus, who drinks from it.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Food, drink, warmth.
Hans Muff and Santa Claus search room till they finds an hourglass. Hans Muff then exits, followed by Santa Claus. Scene fades to…
EXT. A COURTYARD
Santa Claus enters.
SANTA CAUS
(speaking)
Hans Muff, where art thou?
He notices a boy, who Hans Muff lurks upon.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
There you are!
Hans Muff runs off as Santa Claus addresses Boy.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Here come I, Old Father Christmas, welcome in or welcome not,
I hope Old Father Christmas will never be forgot!
SONG: The Norman Carol
A chorus of peasant enter.
CHORUS
Hail Father Christmas, hail to thee.
Honored ever thou shall be.
Endless pleasures waits on those,
And all the sweets that lore bestows.
Who, like vassals, brave and true,
Give to Christmas honor due.
Hans Muff appears from hiding spot.
HANS MUFF
Though some of us be little, and some a middle sort,
We all desire your favor to see our pleasant sport.
SANTA CLAUS
Now I have but a short time to stay,
And if you don’t believe what I say,
Come in, Befana and clear the way.
Befana enters.
BEFANA
Now blow thy clarion trumpet call, and beat the timely drum.
You lot must all be still and dumb until the play is done.
Hans Muff and Santa Claus move aside to don their motley.
SONG: The Somerset Carol/God Rest Ye Merry
HANS MUFF
(steps forward, dressed as a knight)
In come I, brave Saint George, as bold as any man,
I roam the field and shaded wood of mysterious land.
I fought the fiery dragon and put him to the slaughter,
I’ll smite the King of Paradine and then I’ll have his daughter.
SANTA CLAUS
(step forward, donning a crown)
In come I, King Paradine, an entity renown,
My enemies, they stand no chance, in fits I cut them down.
Two thousand years is a very great age for me,
If I’ve been living for all of these years, what a monster I would be.
HANS MUFF
I’ll pierce your body full of holes and make thy buttons fly.
I’ll shorten winter’s sadness yet, oh king, you ow must die.
SANTA CLAUS
I see you area boasting man, a braggart and a liar,
I’ll cut you down as small as flies and burn you with my fire.
BOTH
And now your precious blood will spill,
And with my sword, I’ll smite and kill.
SONG: The Monks March
Hans Muff and Santa Claus fight with swords till Santa Claus pretends to stab Hans Muff, who falls.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Is there a doctor in this land to save this brave and goodly man?
(takes out a bottle, speaking)
A little of my flipflop, pour it down your slipslop.
Santa Claus sprinkles contents over Hans Muff, who stand up
SONG: The Somerset Carol/God Rest Ye Merry Reprise
HANS MUFF
In come I, brave Saint George…
SANTA CLAUS
Your blood’s too hot, must fetch it cold, enough of you I say
My head is brass, my body’s tin, you cannot win the day.
HANS MUFF
The sun is bleak, it must be fed.
Before it lives, you must be dead and I shall play the part.
My vorpal sword, the glittery blade shall cut your flesh and beating heart.
BOTH
Hiya!
They slowly lock swords upon Befana’s neck.
SANTA CLAUS
(trembling)
So then, so then, don’t you know me?
Santa Claus starts moaning and groaning, chasing everyone away.
SANTA CLAUS
(falls on knees)
Water, fire, earth and air, quintessence, of course!
Santa Claus notices an evergreen tree and walks toward it.
SONG: Green Grows the Holly
SANTA CLAUS
Green grow'th the holly
So doth the ivy
Though winter blasts blow na'er so high
Green grow'th the holly
Santa Claus moans and groans, then falls. Scene fades to…
INT. A CHAPEL
Three angels, dressed in white gowns, appear.
ARCHANGEL
(chanting)
Benedictus Benedicat Christum Dominum Nostrum.
The angels replace Santa Claus’ green robe with a red one. Hans Muff enters the scene at a distance. He gets blinded by a bright light and turns to stone. The angels disappear. Santa Claus stands before a Christian alter.
SONG: Old Hundredth
SANTA CLAUS
All people that on earth do dwell,
Sing to the Lord with cheerful voice.
Him serve with mirth, His praise forth tell;
Come ye before Him and rejoice.
SONG: Carol of the Bells Reprise
As Santa Claus exits, he notices Hans’ statue.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Alas, poor Hans Muff.
Scene fades to…
INT. THRONE ROOM
Santa Claus enters, noticing a bunch of toys.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Toys, playthings, trifles.
He find a red-and-white mushroom near throne, picking it up and eating it as he sits down.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
He notices something coming.
SONG: Night on Bald Mountain
A reindeer enter. Gazing at it, Santa Claus start trembling. He grabs hold of reindeer and quickly exits. Scene fades to...
INT. PARLOR ROOM
Boy is seen, asleep in chair. Santa Claus enters through a fireplace. He brushes cinders off his garb as he coughs. He looks at a Christmas-tree.
SANTA CLAUS
(speaking)
Have we heard the chimes at midnight?
Oh, the days that we have seen.
SONG: Brahms Lullaby
Santa Claus places some gifts near tree. He then stuffs some stockings. He then partake some gingerbread-biscuits and a bottle of Coca-Cola. When he notices Boy, he glares at him. When Boy wakes up, he notices the presents. Fade out.
THE END
