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hayley
Active Ink Slinger
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How many lawyer jokes are there???? .... Only three.... the rest are all true stories biggrin
Rumple_deWriter
Story Moderator
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(Haley, loved your lawyer joke)

PRAISE THE LORD

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must
have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed
a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a
quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,
"I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
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What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter!

If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
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I was taking a walk in my local park, the other day.
As I walked through the trees, I saw a man who was throwing sticks. Each time, a huge German Shepherd chased the stick and took it back to him.
I went over and asked, "Does your dog bite?"
"Oh no," he responded. "My dog is very friendly."
I reached out to stroke the thick furred canine and it immediately sank its teeth into my forearm!
I jumped back and yelled;
"You said your dog was friendly and didn't bite!"
"That's not my dog," he replied.

If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
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A Man walks onto a building site and asks the Foreman for a job laying bricks. After a short demonstration of laying a perfect line, the Foreman offered him the job.
About Ten a.m. the following Monday, a Rolls Royce pulls up at the site. The chauffeur opens the rear door and the man gets out.
He is wearing pin-striped overalls and wearing Gucci wellington boots. He proceeds to the work-face and lays the perfect row of bricks using a golden trowel.
Two hours later, the Rolls Royce returned and the bricklayer disappeared.
The same thing happened every day until payday.
On that Friday, the foreman approached him with his wage packet.
As he handed it over his curiosity got the better of him.
"There isn't much in it," the Foreman said. "You've only worked ten hours this week."
"That's fine," the bricklayer replied as he took the small envelope.
"I have to ask," the Foreman said. "if you only work two hours a day, how come you can afford a chauffeur driven Rolls and all the fancy gear?"
"Gambling," the brickie replied simply.
"On what?" asked the foreman.
The brickie sighed.
"Put it this way, I'll bet you Fifty pounds that you have only one testicle."
The foreman was taken aback.
"That's not gambling!" he exclaimed.
"Do you take the bet?"
"If you want to be so stupid then, yes, of course I do." He held out his hand for his winnings.
"Oh no," said the brickie. I'm not just going to take your word for it!"
"Fine, says the foreman, loosening his belt. "For fifty quid..."
The brickie reached out and, with his 24kt trowel, moved the foreman's testicles first one way and then the other.
"Fair enough," the brickie replied, handing over the money.
The Foreman was perplexed. "I don't get it. You couldn't win that bet so how do you make money?"
"Simple," said the brickie. There are two hundred men on this site. I bet each of them one pound that I could get the foreman's testicles on a golden trowel by payday!"

If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

gillianleeza
Story Moderator
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
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I heard the most ridiculous news item today.
It seems that Sir Elton John has had a fully equipped Gym built at his mansion.
But that's a good thing, right?
It's for his pet rabbit!

It's a little fit Bunny.

If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

Mendalla
Crazy old ape
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From the joke thread on another board:

"What if UFOs are just billionaires from other planets?"

A mighty warrior meets an unusual challenger. The Last Challenge of Jadek Prynn.

Unknown User
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Just been thrown out of McDonald's.

I sat down and ate a Kid's Meal.

His mother complained.
Verity
Active Ink Slinger
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Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. A fish.
Verity
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Paperbackwriter
Just been thrown out of McDonald's.

I sat down and ate a Kid's Meal.

His mother complained.
I was thrown out of a cinema once for taking my own food in. I said that I only did it because their food was way overpriced. They said the smoke from my BBQ was spoiling the film for everyone else.
yurigagarin
Advanced Wordsmith
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There are no strangers here - just lots of friendly folk to chat with and stories to enjoy 👀
Grimscribe
Active Ink Slinger
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This is an old one, but I love it:

If a man says something in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
0 likes
Quote by LucaByDay
This is an old one, but I love it:

If a man says something in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?



I haven't heard this. made me spit coffee!

It reminded me of a kitchen plaque I saw recently. My other-half wouldn't let me buy it;


"I would agree with you.
But then we'd both be wrong!"


If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

Grimscribe
Active Ink Slinger
0 likes
Quote by AnnaMayZing
Quote by LucaByDay
This is an old one, but I love it:

If a man says something in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?



I haven't heard this. made me spit coffee!

It reminded me of a kitchen plaque I saw recently. My other-half wouldn't let me buy it;


"I would agree with you.
But then we'd both be wrong!"




Hehe, loved the twist you put on that one. Notching the Zen up a level.
Verity
Active Ink Slinger
1 like
Quote by AnnaMayZing
Quote by LucaByDay
This is an old one, but I love it:

If a man says something in a forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?



I haven't heard this. made me spit coffee!

It reminded me of a kitchen plaque I saw recently. My other-half wouldn't let me buy it;


"I would agree with you.
But then we'd both be wrong!"


The way I see it, men have two choices. They can either be right, or be happy. My advice to men is simple, happy wife, happy life.
AnnaMayZing
Chasing Dragons
1 like

I went to the doctor recently as I was suffering from acute constipation.

He asked all the things I had used to try to relieve it, and he admitted that there was only one thing left to try.

He handed me a small capsule.

"Place this in your back passage as soon as you get home and come back and see me tomorrow afternoon."

As arranged, I went back the following day and he asked,

"Any improvement?"

I shook my head, sadly.

"No Doctor. I still can't go."

"Did you do as I asked, with the suppository?"

"The thing is, Doctor," I replied, hesitantly. "We don't have a back passage, so I put it in the garden. Is that ok?"

If anyone wishes to find the beginning of this epic saga, here it is:
https://www.storiesspace.com/stories/drama/the-nurses.aspx

However, since this story is now available in paperback, only the first few chapters remain. Buy at:

https://www.vbay.info/thenurses

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana