I must have passed out again. Either that, or what followed was too horrible to remember, which is my guess, seeing as my last memory is of a trio of the little fucks chasing after me waving cat fetuses impaled on tent stakes and turning the landscape into a bloody Jackson Pollack painting. I was sure that the little bastards had been smoking viagra laced crack and were going to violate me and then cut me open like a science experiment while the rest of them did a circle jerk over my still twitching corpse while singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs. Good thing I didn’t still have that shot gun or I’d have turned it on myself and blown my mother fucking brains out under that weird raspberry colored sky.
I heard someone sobbing, wondering if Toto had finally cracked before realizing it was me. Disgusting, really. Worst of all, I wet myself again, this time soaking the whole front of my jeans until I was dripping with piss. Fucking A, talk about being on a roll.
I looked up at into the eyes of an angel, one with a scrunched up nose and a look of distaste on her face. God, she was fucking beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fucking carpet muncher, but if I’d had a couple of hits of ecstasy on me, I’d have shared them and gone down on her right then and there. She was the color of snow, I mean, head to foot, skin, hair, everything. She had on this amazing fucking dress that glittered and panties that matched. I only knew that because, from where I lay I could see up her skirts. Killer legs, too, and I was fairly sure that she shaved her pussy from my perspective. Kinky.
"Pretty." I managed, a string of drool running down my chin as I stared up at her, my brain going to mush with lust, pushing my hand into my urine soaked pocket, just in case I actually did have some E left. Fucking hell, it was still in the corvette in a ball of fucking tinfoil and tape. I did, however, discover another tab of acid which I held out to her reverently, like giving communion in reverse, only this time I kind of wanted to be molested like some 10 year old alter boy.
She took a step back, the look of disgust never leaving her face, wielding what looked like a fucking wand as if she was about to beat me with it, not that I blamed her. Suddenly, I felt this intense self loathing and wanted nothing better then to curl up and die. Fuck it, I did my best, managing the curling up part, at least. Seriously, I really needed something to enhance my mood, and quick. I figured the LSD would have to do, and stuck it in my mouth, under my tongue, and squeezed my eyes tight in a desperate attempt to hang on to my humanity.
In the back ground, Toto was still whimpering. I could hear him, loud and clear. Fucking tranny should make himself useful and find our drug stash before I came crashing down into reality like a ton of fucking bricks which should be, at the rate I was ingesting things, about 2 months from now.
"I suppose I should thank you."
Her words brought me out of my funk, and I cracked one eye open, doing my best to focus it on her face. She was leaning over me, looking like she’d rather be using a cheese grater on her eyeballs. Can’t say I’ve ever really fallen in love, but I think I came pretty close to it right then and there. If I’d been able, I’d have spouted something romantic at her, like one of those fucking Shakespeare sonnets, how did they go? A rose by any other fucking name, or such shit? Really, that was about all I remembered. Does it really need to be said that I didn’t do so well in school? I mean, hell, I’m impressed I got that much right. Instead, I just drooled a little more before amazing her with my verbal skills.
She closed her eyes, sighed, and then looked like she’d changed her mind about being elsewhere, and really wanted to throw up on me before beating my ass senseless with that wand of hers. Can’t say I blamed her. Instead, she tossed a pair of serious shoes my way, managing to hit me in the face with one of them. They were the stripper shoes that the dyke had been wearing when our car smashed her into road kill. Sparkly and red, with 4 inch heels. Definitely Fuck Me Pumps.
"There, those are yours for killing the Wicked Witch and freeing the Munchkins."
"Munchkins?" I asked, stupidly, still kind of curled into a ball, lying on my side, staring up at her while my last hit of acid slowly seeped into my brain, turning her into this fucking giant snow white wasp with, I swear to God, these eyes that looked like disco balls on the side of her head. It was freaking me out a little, I mean, seriously just a few moments ago I wanted to go down on this fucking insect headed wasp woman.
"Yes, Munchkins, the little people who…"
She was interupted by the sound of me trying to heave myself inside out. Apparently, no one was thankful enough to hold my hair while I did it. Ungrateful little midget bastards. I rolled over onto my other side, looking for my dog like companion, wishing I hadn’t at the sight of him jacking off onto the grass. Guess he’d been into the viagra as well. Fucking tranny. I was on my own here.
"Yeah, whatever. A fucking pair of hooker shoes? I off that bitch and that’s it?" Funny how the peaks hit you. One minute your flying high the next, it’s all you can do not to rip any poor bastard who looks at you funny limb from limb. I had to get myself under control before I did something stupid. Ok, too late, but yeah, I was on the edge and it wasn’t a good place to be. We needed to get the fuck out of here before the cops showed up, or worse, and I had no fucking idea where ‘here’ was. I decided that, the only thing to do was to go into senseless babble mode. Not really, I mean, it wasn’t a conscious decision, but it didn’t seem to make any difference to my mouth and my brain had long ago given up caring about anything.
"Did you ever think about colors? I mean, like bananas and shit, like, they’re yellow, right? Only do we just call them yellow cause we know that bananas are yellow and really, maybe they look green to someone, but they think green is really yellow…"
I could see that wasn’t working and I did my best not to get frustrated, changing the subject to something less confusing. Names were safe. Weather too. I decided that I should tell her my name and we could chat about the weather. Really, that’s what I fucking meant to do.
"Dot. That’s me, like in polka dot, only bigger and less of them. Fucking dead beat junkie mom named me that, can you believe it? I mean, not that, but fucking Dorothy. Worst name ever cause really, the only thing you can shorten it to is Dot. And that is…"
I looked back towards my companion. He’d apparently finished the job, for all the good it had done him. Seriously, he’d been into the little blue pills, his erection pointing at the sky like a fucking flagpole. I made a face and found something else to stare at. Thankfully, the Wasp lady had turned back into all kinds of pretty again, so I stared up at her while she did her best to look anywhere I wasn’t. Epic fail, and I hadn’t even gotten to the fucking weather yet. My high suddenly took a wrong turn and I knew I was headed for trouble, and fast. I made one last effort to pull out of my nose dive.
"What’s your name, pretty lady?"
It was all I could do to string those four words together, but it was enough to at stall my crash landing for a moment or two.
"Glinda." She gave her name up, grudgingly.
"Glinda. That’s pretty. Sort of like glitter and Linda all smushed together", I told her, giggling at my wit. Really, it wasn’t half bad, considering.
"You have pretty panties, Glinda."
Yeah, seriously, that’s what came out of my fucking mouth. I’d meant to say fucking eyes, of course, but the drugs just sort of took over and twisted things up in my head. Really, I can’t be blamed, although she obviously did, stomping off without another word, muttering obscenities as she went. God help me, that just made her even hotter. I picked the wrong fucking day to turn all lesbo.
"Fucking hell, wait!" I croaked out as best I could, my voice sounding about a hundred miles away and sort of like it was inside being put through one of those voice machines that make it sound all robot like. "Where the fuck are we? I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to do now?"
"Follow the yellow brick road."
I swear to God, that’s was the fucking answer she gave just before she slammed the door shut on one of the midget sized shops. It said something about some sort of guild on it which was, I figured, just a fancy name for a bar. God, I needed a drink. If I’d thought I could crawl, I would have followed her. As it was, I just sort of lay there and stared at the sky while the acid slowly kicked in and, thankfully, the hallucinations were right on time.
How long I lay there, I can’t say, only that I remember giggling a lot and I’m sure that part of the time I was cuddled up with either a munchkin or a big ass possum in a pretty blue sun dress. I’m not sure which is worse, tell you the truth. Don’t think just because I was giggling, that it was all fun and games. When the terrors get to you, sometimes all you can do to try to hold onto your sanity is giggle. I got kind of hot and bothered at some point and thought it was a good idea to get naked. In my defense, at least my clothes did smell like piss and puke and God knows what else. Good thing about it was that possum lent me her dress, so I’d be decent when I came out of my head trip, if I ever did. I wasn’t about to take any bets.
The rest of it, I’d rather not talk about. Let’s just say that I’m happy as fuck that no one had a camera, otherwise I’d have ended up all over youtube or worse. Sometimes it’s a blessing that you’re too out of your mind to remember much of anything.
When I finally come down, Toto had too. I mean, his erection. Thank God, seeing as he was cuddling up against me and hell, he’s practically family, but that don’t mean I want him sticking it in me. I don’t think I’d forgiven him if he had, or at least not for a while. Who knows, maybe it would have worked out, not that was I dying to find out right then.
"Hey." I managed. "How long?"
"Day. Two, maybe." He sounded like death warmed over and looked worse then he sounded. I decided not to push it. Didn’t really matter anyway. Not like we were in a hurry to get somewhere.
"Cool. Where’d the whatchamacall them go? The Munchies?"
He groaned at that, his stomach growling like a fucking crazed weasel on steroids. Poor guy probably hadn’t had anything to eat since forever. I thought of Glinda again, a stupid fucking smile growing on my face as I pictured her spanking my bare ass with that fucking wand of hers. I just knew it. All those years of being groped by Auntie Em had turned me into a pussy licking bull dyke! One more reason to get the hell out of Munckin town.
I did my best to remember her words, my eyes slowly coming into focus. Something about following the yellow brick road started spinning through my head like some sort of broken record. Clamping my hands over my ears only made it worse.
"Hey, Dot. You ok?" Toto asked, his voice tinged with fear.
"What the fuck do you think?" I groaned, pushing 230 pounds of limp dicked cock sucking dog off me and staggering to my feet. Searching the sky for flying monkeys first, I ran to the ruined Corvette, scrambling around inside until I’d rescued a pair of 44. Magnums, a .22 rifle, and several boxes of ammo. Oh, and the tape ball containing our drugs. Suddenly, I was glad that we’d not gotten rid of the e laced with speed. With the way things were going, I was going to need every edge I could get.
Not wasting a moment, I tore into our stash and popped a couple pills into my mouth washing them down with the suddenly remembered emergency supply of vodka in the glove box. My fingers trembling as I checked and double checked the guns, I waited impatiently for the drugs to take effect, training the rifle on Toto, in case he needed to be put out of his misery.
After all, he was my best fucking friend. If anyone was going to blow his brains to kingdom-fucking-come, it was going to be me.