My heart broke today.

This isn’t the first time it’s shattered into tiny pieces. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. In the darkness, I see the fragments glimmer in the light. My heart has been here before, splintered into jagged shards.

This time, it’s different. I broke it. I wielded the devastating blow. Knowingly, purposefully, all by myself. I made the choice, this time. The most painful choice, this time. A choice that will heal and haunt me. Forever.

I look down at my small, fragile hands. There is no one holding them today. No one guiding them today. They are empty. They feel cold. I wonder if they will ever feel warm again. I wonder if they have a direct link to my heart. It feels the same.

How do you say goodbye to the one that your heart cannot stop loving? The forbidden one from the shadows. The untouchable one from across the miles. How do you grieve a gift never unwrapped? How do I?

My numb fingers reach clumsily into the empty space before me. Frantic. Searching, Clawing. Where do I find the guide to navigate this path? Where do I find the instructions to rebuild? Where do I find the light in this darkness? Where do I?

The path may be familiar. I have walked it before. This time, it’s different. Being thrown on the path without choice meant survival. Stepping onto it alone, willingly, means sentience. I must continue, to exist, to endure.

“You have my word.” The haunting echos ring in my ears. I’ve never been able to silence them. I tried. I never stopped trying. I tried to stifle their sound. I tried to vanquish their voices. I tried to minimise their melody. I tried to bury the betrayal. I tried to pardon the promise. But my heart haplessly held hope. Clung to it, like a needy child.

And then, hope was gone. It is lost. Vanished, hand in hand with the needy child within me. The shadow of her spirit fades, she is free but yet never more trapped.

Furling into a ball, clinging my knees tightly to my chest, the gravity of my grief pulls me against the cold ground. A tiny voice whispers a melodic mantra in my mind. Hope may be gone, but you were found; you will rise from this ground. Take a step, don’t give up.

The scattered fragments glimmer. A reminder. There is always hope. It just has to be found again. I can be found, again. We just have to try again. I will try again. The light will shine again. I will shine again. He will light the way, again. He will guide me home, again. I will follow him again.

My heart will heal tomorrow, or the next day. My heart will be whole again. Won’t it?