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The True Story of Rapunzel

The witch never knew what trouble teenagers could be until Rapunzel turned fifteen. The girl whined constantly about boredom. She complained at every turn about her milk, bread, and honey diet, though it had been perfectly acceptable until now. Worst of all, she only had one dress and it was green. She hated green.

In a moment of impatient weakness, the witch cursed Rapunzel with extraordinary hair growth. She intended for her ward to grow a beard and mustache; hopefully, she could wax them together to silence the complaints. However, like most things around the troublesome teen, the witch's spell became warped and Rapunzel's hair, too attractive for the health of her vanity in the first place, became an excess of molten gold. It spilled through the tower window, carpeting the floor of her chamber, getting stuck in the honey, leaving floaters in the milk, and making a general mess.

The witch was too tired to be angry.

If Rapunzel's abduction hadn't been widely publicized and rightfully attributed to the fearsome witch, she would have returned the girl to her parents and said good riddance. She had to find a way to free herself from the girl without losing face.

It was very lucky that the king son was a stupid, handsome lad who liked pretty things. Rapunzel was many things and, luckily, pretty was among them. The witch led the prince into the woods, showed him the tower, and stood back waiting for love's magic to do its trick.

After the prince wandered around looking for the tower entrance for more than twenty minutes, the witch had to step in. She disguised her voice and called for Rapunzel to let down her hair. Then, she whispered to the prince he ought to climb her dangling braid. She was afraid that she would need to tell him that the girl in the tower was of marrying age, but when he slipped in the window and stayed for more than an hour, she assumed his hormones worked their own magic.

That is until the clumsy twit tumbled out of the window clutching a severed braid. Apparently, the girl wasn't to his taste, but her hair was. He cut it without asking permission; Rapunzel shoved him out the window for the insult.

Finally, the witch had enough.

She climbed Rapunzel's remaining braid and gave her a thorough scolding. Then, she ordered the girl to find the prince and apologize. It was only after a sulking Rapunzel sheered off her remaining braid, climbed down it, and shook it free to take with her, that the witch realized what her temper had cost her. She was trapped in the tower without her broom and without a braided rope--in short, without any way to leave.

She looked out the window at the vast enchanted forest that stretched below her. Her heart swelled with unexpected joy. For the first time in fifteen years, she would have some peace. She stretched out on Rapunzel's bed and fell into a deep, satisfied sleep.

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