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Diary Entry 1

Dear Diary, 

You know how when you put your whole self into something or you give all you can that day, even if it’s not much, it still feels like a whole lot to you? And you know, how you feel so good about yourself for a minute because you think you did a lot and gave it your all but come to find out you're not doing even half of what normal people are? 

None of that probably makes sense at all but it’s how I feel about life right now. In the best way I can describe it anyway. 

I feel like just getting out of bed in the morning, laughing with my kids, cooking for them and cleaning up after everyone is as much as I can give throughout the day but apparently that’s not really enough. 

I asked my husband what made him the proudest of me and he replied, “that you always do your best.” 

Damn. That shit hurt. 

I thought I was doing better than my best? I know the house isn’t always 100% clean and there are days when we order out more often because I don’t feel like cooking but the kids are happy, healthy, clean and fed - not to mention so is he. 

I feel like I’m doing better than my best. I feel like I’m hardworking, dedicated, and efficient most days. I go to bed feeling okay, like my family is okay. But I guess those aren’t words he associates with me. They at least aren’t the adjectives he thinks of first. 

Not to mention I feel like I’m crazy all the time. I often question myself about everything - especially right now with this situation. 

Why does it hurt that he doesn’t think I’m hardworking? Is it because I’d rather play the victim in this whole situation just to get out of doing more on a daily basis, or am I actually crushed because I am doing all I can and to him, a normal person, it doesn’t look like I’m doing much of anything? Not enough to be called hardworking. 

Does it hurt so bad because I know I’m not doing enough and I know I need to get it together, or is it that the realization that my hard work isn’t even enough on the scale to register as “hard-working.” 

I try to take it day by day and some days are better than others but for some reason, this has made me sadder than usual. I thought I was doing okay. I know I have a history of not being consistent and having major depressive episodes where the dishes and the laundry will pile up on me. I know he has to lift some extra weight because of me more often than he should have to. I know I have problems. 

Maybe this is supposed to hurt because I do deserve it. I don’t deserve a hardworking award or a good mom award because I’m not either of those things in reality. I just think I am those things inside my own head. Maybe he just gave me a hard dose of reality that I am not doing enough - I’m sliding by and doing the bare minimum and having him pick up the pieces that I can’t. 

Maybe it’s just my ego that’s taken a hit and I really am a lazy person who does nothing. Contributes nothing, and that’s why I feel so hurt by this.

 

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