I am alone and when alone I think... Why does he treat me so cruelly?

He never compliments me...He puts me down. We went to his friend's wedding four years ago now, and we found ourselves seated at a round table with strangers. He leaned across the table and asked me if I was going to wear the same dress to my sister-in-laws wedding. I felt confused at such an odd question. I had dressed carefully and felt I looked nice. But, thinking about it now he never compliments me. He delights in putting me down in public.

I live on the money from the sale of my cottage, I cannot get a job I have lost the confidence I once had. Friends and family do not come here or phone because he makes them feel uncomfortable. He does not allow me to use the landline so I use my cell phone to call my family.

He goes into another room to make phone calls so I am excluded in many ways here. I cannot voice my fears or my concerns. He does not want to hear, I must not complain. So I live my life day by day in silence, dying hour by hour. My inner voice screams to be let out. I am naturally a loving, caring person. I long for cuddles and sweet gentle words.

I know I will never find that now. I am too old. He has destroyed me.

He is away for the week-end. Taken the motor home and gone. I don't know when he will return but if I do not have the meal ready he will not speak to me for days at a time. I shall make a meal that will not spoil. The house is clean as a new pin, the washing and ironing done. I sometimes dream of being rescued. Daft, I know at my age. I dream that a kind man puts his arms around me and walks me away from this sad, mad life I live. I dream of him most nights and I do not want to wake up, because in my dream I am loved and cared for. I crave kindness... Why do I stay? I am afraid. I have tried to leave several times. He breaks my things or he tries to take my dogs from me. He knows how much I love them. Basically he threatens me. I have no one to help me. I am alone.

I have read of Narcissists, the description fits him perfectly. I have thought that I am going slowly mad. It is like living with a Jekyl and Hyde personality. But I cannot say he is kind...Bearable I suppose. I never know when the vindictive side of him is going to emerge. To his many women friends he is gentle and softly spoken. Women are his prey, his goal is to bed them, then treat them like dirt. I did two things to upset him a few days before he left. I poured the water from the kettle into the cup too quickly and by doing so I made the kettle element sizzle. The other I left a piece of clothing I had ironed hanging on the wardrobe door. Can you imagine living like this? I displeased him so he went away and never said, "Goodbye." When he returns I will be ignored. He will walk in the door as if he had never been away and there will be suffocating silence.

Perhaps tonight my dream lover will come to me... For a short while I will be held in strong caring arms, and loved.