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Late night thoughts

Late night thoughts

Tags: hello

Do you ever miss us?

Hey, it's been quiet, and the time since I messaged last, I don't quite remember if it's been half a year or a year and a half. It's been a long time in perspective but in hindsight, it isn't as long as it feels. Not to ramble too long, how have you been? I ask that blatantly no matter what, I know. Sometimes I don't care to know and other times I do want to know you're okay and alive and happy in a way.

I am okay, not here nor there, it's been interesting, to say the least since you been gone. Nothing really to mention since you know I'm just me; nothing to remark on. I'm not as depressed anymore, though I'm stressed from other reasons. My head is as cluttered as ever, keeping myself busy so I can stay ahead of my intrusive thoughts.

Enough about me though, I'm sure if you wanted to know you could just ask. I am just stating what I know won't be responded to anyways, but if you happen to read this, then I guess that is good enough. Perhaps I'll get an eyeroll, and a disgusted glace, or maybe a slight smile, but I won't hold my breath. 

It's late right now, and I can't seem to help lament on the late night conversations. Distant times full of serious conversations, jokes, secrets, more than likely a few lies. You always tried to incite different reactions from me. I tried to get you back a few times, sometimes I swear I won.

My plans don't seem to work out in the end. Mostly bad ideas paired with a determination to get them to work and the carefree willingness to attempt it. Needless to say, I do apologize if I ever made you a fool, just take comfort I am a bigger fool then you though. After all, here I am writing this, daring myself to post it. Post something anyways, anything but a poem and you know how I feel about those. 

I know times have changed, and time doesn't turn back. I hoped it would be longer then what it was. But even I won't try to change this predicament. I've used up a lot of my energy and care previously it left me kind of hollow instead. I had days were the world had spun around me, separate even that I was a broken gear out of place. I spent a lot of days laying in the bottom of a hole, staring up at the distance it is to get myself out when all I would have to do is sit up and see how shallow it was. 

I remember how pissed off you could get, some of the things I said that shouldn't warrant an argument somehow triggering you yelling at me. I remember the two times I went picking a fight with you. Do you remember? Remember what I said? You never answered that question, but you didn't need to. I already know the answer, I knew it from the moment you deflected the question. It was a disappointing conclusion to come to, but it would have happened eventually. Games become boring if you play with it too often.


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