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I See Everything

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I have lived in this world long enough to gather an understanding of it. I do not remain so ignorant as to think we are the only form of life in this universe. With that fact in mind, it is hard to view any of our minuscule problems as being a "big deal..." we are not worth the planet we have built our species upon. We have not evolved from monkey's...to believe that is to believe that one day cats will evolve into lions, dolphins will evolve into whales....it just doesn't logically make sense. Our history is as grey and imbalanced as feelings of happiness and sadness. When we open our mind to this possibility, nothing can ever really be so important....no invention could ever be created that hasn't already been created in some other dimension, or on some other planet, millions upon millions of years ago.

So why then, do I seem to be so sad all the time? Why then, when a girl breaks up with me, do I sink into a stage of depression for months? The truth of the matter is that people don't understand the half of me. What you get online is not the complete picture...I am not some ungrateful little white kid with middle class american problems who writes about his girl troubles and his shit family life. I see everything...I notice everything and my brain does not stop thinking until I am asleep. If there is one underlying thing in this world that makes me sad above anything else it is that people only see what they want to see, and believe what they want to believe. Everybody is so fixated on their point of view that it is impossible for us to all be at peace at once. It has never happened once before in the past, and will not happen in the future. THAT is what upsets me above all else...not girlfriends, not loneliness, not despair.

I have seen beauty as well as the wretchedness. I see a young boy laughing at a joke his father told, I see the smile on his face and his gratefulness for having a father. I see the wonder in a child's eye's when he arrives at Disney World for the first time, I see a teenage girl, running to catch up with her boyfriend and clasping his hand. I see him grab it in return and smile, as if he missed her, as if she were gone for more than 5 seconds.

I have had my movie kiss in the rain, I have had my romantic kiss in a pool, I have written stories on the rooftops of Brooklyn, looking out to the New York City skyline as the sun starts to hide from our side of the world. I have laid naked in bed with a woman after sex, staring at each other's faces and finally thinking "this is love." I have placed a girls cheeks in my palms and seen her eyes close from the comfort of my touch. I have kissed a woman's forehead while she slept, I have woken up next to someone I love....I have been as grateful to wake up as I am to get to sleep.

I have seen the ocean during sunrise and sunset, I have seen the swirl of colors, the fresh smell of the salt water, I have felt the sand between my toes. I have done hallucinogens and have seen the world from different aspects...colors you cannot imagine, sounds you cannot describe so easily. I have been on Acid and have gotten on a swing while wearing head phones and listening to a favorite band...I have closed my eyes and swung, letting myself release into my own private world.

I have heard friends discuss life while sharing a cigarette. I have tasted a slurpee on a hot July afternoon, I have smelt the smell of home...arriving to a place you know hasn't changed because the smell hasn't changed. I have read beautiful literature, I have seen beautiful works of art. I have been to museums

I have also pumped chemicals into my veins and let them take over. I have been controlled by a 10 dollar a bag substance. I have had my future ruined, I have seen a loved one decay in a hospital bed, I have been to funerals of the old and the young, I have seen my dad bald not by choice. I have seen my friends father disappear and start a new family, I have heard my friend tell a story of a time when he was touched by a grown up as a child, I have seen the cuts on a friends wrists, I have seen nuclear war and soldiers get their heads taken off, I have cried as a child from being picked on by peers, I have been bullied and made fun of, I have been cheated on and dumped, I have seen love bloom and then slowly decay....I have seen airplanes crash into buildings...I have seen people die.

I have lived goddamnit, and I am well aware I am only 23. But to summarize my life as a "negative, depressed white boy who hates girls and himself...." I don't think that explains who I am as a whole. I know beauty as well as I know wickedness. And I know that both are needed to be a human being...and that's what I am...a human being. I feel, I see everything, I hear, I smell, I touch....I use my senses to the extreme.

If I seem sad...if I seem down...it's only because on that particular day...all I can see are the negatives. You can't fault a person for realizing truths and being compassionate and sensitive enough to be saddened over these truths. Yes there is beauty, and yes I see it all. Don't think for a second I cannot feel all human emotions.

To do so is to remain ignorant...to pigeon hold a person into what you see from his facebook status's. Don't pigeon hold me, and don't presume to know me when you don't even hang out with me in person.

I am smart. I see everything.
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