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Painfully Broken

"Thanks For Showing Me I'm Nothing"
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Published 8 years ago

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You know what? I trusted you. I let my guard down because you told me you didn't want to be like my exes. You told me you wanted to be different. You made me promises from day one. You kept telling me to trust you, because you weren't going to hurt me like the others.

You told me I was too good to be hurt like that. That J-P was a foolish man, and didn't know what he was losing, when he left me. That when M-D left me, he made the wrong choice, and didn't deserve me. Of course there is S-O, and what he put me through also. You told me he was stupid, and you could never do that to me.

When I opened up and told you what J-M did to me, you remember that day? Yeah, I do too. You looked horrified to know I’d been through something like that. You promised you’d keep me safe and never let anything like that happen to me again.

You have a way of making these promises, which is funny because you always said you don’t make promises you can’t keep. Yet, here I am, sitting here not even a week after you broke up with me confused as to why you made all those promises.

You’re a fucking shit eating asshole! You had no right to hurt me the way you did! Up to the very last morning we were together telling me you fucking loved me! How dare you! Then you tell me that night it was PUPPY DOG love?!?! What is that?

You tell me you miss your freedom, like I kept you in a cage. We entered our relationship as a D/S couple; it’s what we both wanted. It flowed easily at first, I made rules, and you obeyed. Yes, some of them you didn't fancy, but that is just the way it goes. I asked time and time again if you wanted to change things, you said no. You wanted things to stay the same.

We fell in love, deeply in love or so I thought. I know I fucking did. I was there, every damn day, being faithful to you, giving you my all. You had, and even in ways still do have my heart. How dare you let me tell you the things I did, and you use them against me? How fucking dare you push me into things and make me uncomfortable, but I did them for YOU!

You knew how I felt about some things, yet you pushed me. You kept pushing knowing how I felt, I eventually gave in, gave into the pressure I felt.

I don’t understand how we went from loving, almost seemingly perfect couple, to what we were in the end. You started to change midway through. You became less and less like a sub, and more and more of an ass. I blamed it on your age, and adjusted how things went. Of course nothing was ever fucking good enough for you. You’re a spoiled asshole. You expected me to give everything, and you give nothing at all.

A relationship is a give and take kind of thing. I kept giving, giving into things I didn't think was right, and you wouldn't meet me half way. We’d get into fights. I’d cry, try to explain how I felt, break down to fucking nothing, and there you sat on your ass, ignoring me as if you didn't care. I guess you didn't . However, after our fights, you’d change for a day or two. You were the ‘man’ I fell in love with from the start.

But of course you’d go back to your assy ways, and leave me in the wake, of another tear filled day. I wore my mask to make everyone believe we were fucking perfect, but we weren't . I was a fucking joke, because I am in love with you, and wanted to make it work. You however just stomped on our relationship and didn't care.

Why, because masturbating, drinking and friends were more important? Yeah, you’re real grown up. You can make decisions about getting a license, going to college, working, even drinking but you can’t figure out how to be in a relationship.

It’s funny how you had no support from anyone on your end. I take that back, J-B was a sweetheart. I talk to him a lot when you were away. He made me feel better, almost safe. He told me you loved me, he could tell. I guess he doesn't know you as well as he used to. Let’s not forget J-F, H-W, S-C and E-W. Oh, those four, what a bunch twats. I’m sure they had help in how you treated me. I saw the proof enough on Facebook.

You never stood up for us; you let them say those nasty things. Sometimes you’d even joke in your own way with them. You never agreed with them, at least not out loud, but played along with their jokes. You’re a hurtful bastard, Mr. W. I protected you, was there for you, and helped you through some shitty times. I even stood up for you when it was needed.

That night, the night we broke up, not even a week ago you were so cold. You were such an ass, I just don’t understand. Yet, you somehow said “Let’s be friends”… What the fuck is that? I ask you how we can be, and you say we just talk on here, like nothing happened.

You told me all you wanted was to go to bed, and start fresh. You don’t just break up with someone, and start fresh. You fucking prick. Even the one who does the breaking up should feel a little hurt, and not want to just forget it so easily. Is that so easy for you?

Six months of relationship, eight total knowing each other and you want to just end it all. You tell me flat out, to my face that I’m not fucking worth coming to see. That buying a ticket, coming to America isn't worth it to you. I even say hey let’s take it slow, maybe we can talk about meeting at a later time. Nope, nothing was good enough for you. You just wanted it to end.

I know there was someone whispering in your ear, telling you things to feel this way. You’re a prick, and a no good ass. I was downright stupid to think a nineteen year old could handle being in a relationship. You know, an actual grown up relationship. You’re a child, just like everyone else your age. Next time you think you’re a big boy, and can handle a woman, remember you fucking can’t. You've proven this shit.

It’s funny to think that you can’t even handle an on-line relationship; you have no fucking hope in the real world, honey. Let me tell you this, if you think what we had was hard, it’s worse in person. Girls don’t want to come fuck second to booze, and “your boys”, we want to be your number one, and feel like we’re more to you than that. It won’t get any easier, I can promise you that.

The most messed up part of this all is, what you did to me has made me vanish from the lives of those I call friends. I've not spoken to anyone because I can’t seem to face a soul. How am I to admit that I failed again? “But everything between you two seemed so perfect, Poppet, how can this be?” I’ll hear them ask, all of them, the same things.

Of course there are the few who knew the shit you've done to me. But even them, they won’t know what horror I've been through, because of you. I’m done hiding, and avoiding my friends because of you. You've taken enough of me, and I want my life back.

I’m sick of crying, and feeling as if I’m not good enough. No, I’ll never trust a soul again, this much I know, and this lies on you. You and anyone I've dated in the past, of course. I’m tired of putting myself out there for all of you to hurt, keep hurting me.

So, yes let’s be friends Mr. W, because I can so see that happening. Maybe when I’m not so mad, or feeling this rage I can see myself being your friend. It has worked out so well with all my other exes, so you see you must be another that will work. Since you are SO much like them! You’re everything they are, in every sense, even though you promised me you never would be.

I guess we’ll see in time, what happens. I can tell you this; I’ll never be yours again. I do hope that one night when you’re trying to go to bed you think of me, and miss me, and want me back again. I want you to remember all the love and good I put in your life, and you threw me away. I want you to fucking suffer just like I have.

It might sound cruel, and even mean, but let’s face it; you've done worse to me. I’ll always love you, because I truly thought we had something, but it’s clear to me you never did. So, go be gone Mr. W. You don’t want me, and I’ll disappear into the shadows of nothingness because that’s all I am to you…. Nothing.

Written By Poppet: For StoriesSpace ONLY! 

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