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The Ways of Depression and Self-Image

"When depression and self loathing take over..."
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This is not a happy one, or even a thoughtful one, this is me opening up and exposing the truth and the pain and I am not going to be thinking at all while writing this... if I do, I will not be able to write it. It is all from the heart.


I don't even remember most of seventh or eighth grade. Supposedly, my middle school was hell anyway so I wouldn't want to, but I don't remember the stuff at home either. I blocked a lot out, but I can't block the feelings out- they haunt me still today. In seventh grade, it was said I was called uglier than a cow, I still don't know if that's true, I don't think I ever will, but it affected me more than I could ever say in words. I felt betrayed, and like he didn't give a flying fuck to begin with- maybe I was just a naive kid, a stupid kid for ever believing that he actually gave a shit about me, but I felt betrayed anyway. I had trusted him, I had fallen for him... in my mind then, and still now, he was my first love, and he had hurt me to my core. Yet, I didn't hate him- I just missed him.

I spent many of those days in seventh and eighth grade (I don't remember the summer in between, if that tells you anything) tired and quite alone. My friends did not notice anything- if they were ever around, I plastered a big fake smile on my face and they left it alone. Left me alone. I walked home a lot back then, thinking- thinking too much a lot of the time, and my writing really picked up then- sometimes thinking about what it would be like to just ... jump in front of that car or jump over that bridge or even slice up my arm so much it didn't hurt anymore... so much I didn't have to feel anymore. But I didn't do any of those- instead I wrote about it.

I wrote about drowning in the river of pain that was flooding my heart. I wrote about being run over by the emotions in my head. I wrote about letting all the too much run out through my veins. Most of the time when I did this, I called myself a chicken or a coward for not just following through with the actual act, but when I thought about it, I felt guilty for even thinking about it. I mean, why was so damn depressed when there were people out there that had it so much worse? This was my constant cycle for two... two and a half years, with small breaks- only choir took away the pain... it took out everything but the joy of singing. I learned a lot about what I loved and what I didn't during these years.

I also learned a lot about one line, and how much one negative comment from someone you thought was your friend, can damage you so much.

Uglier than a cow... Uglier than a cow... Uglier than a cow...

It repeated in my mind so many times I couldn't tell you the number it repeated within a day. I didn't eat as much as much I had the years before... I don't think I was anywhere near anorexic or bulimic, but I started skipping breakfast a lot, I bought lunch, but I ate about a quarter of it, then tossed it and either went to walk the track for the middle school version of recess and think or to the choir room for peace and quiet and music. I still do not eat as much as I did, but that's mostly because I cannot after eating so little for so long- I'm trying to eat more, so I have energy to cycle, my new therapy. Back to then. I skipped lunch a lot freshman and sophomore year, because I wasn't hungry- it wasn't the truth (I was usually starving), but as long as mom believed it, it was okay, and I could keep seeing the scale go down slowly. I still had to eat at home, so I had a small dinner, but that was just about it. For just about four years.

It still hurts a lot of the time. A lot of you saw me post a song called Courage by Superchick, if you didn't listen, you may want to. It speaks of the truths of anorexia and some of those things are true for me too. It still affects me a lot... As said, I still don't eat as much... I'm working on not skipping breakfast as much, but I do. Still.

That said, here you go.

"For a moment, for a moment, I am happy, but when I'm alone, no one hears me cry. I need you to know, I'm not through the night, some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light. I need you to know, that we'll be okay, together we can make it through another day."-Courage by Superchick.

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