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Three Days of Hell/Help

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Please stop crying, you're scaring us now. I really am trying but some days I feel like dying. Please stop laughing that's even more frightening to us. Great, now I can can add guilt to my messy mind, what a plus. Cry, laugh, stop, start make sure you repeat. I don't want to leave, just need a place to safely retreat.

No, it's not stopping and I give in. We return to the place I've been before. When my instability arises and I have got to face. Check in at the door, leave everything, all your belongings with your family. I can't even keep my gum or my shoes. Bye for now, I hug them goodbye. Don't worry I'll make it back, you know I always do. Hopefully more stable and whole.

I can't sleep, here take a pill. Crying, laughing too much? Yes we have ones for those as well. Here you get your fill. Up early for a body, mind and safety check. You'd be amazed at what you can hurt yourself with. Two pillows, not allowed, just the one. Could I really suffocate myself between them? Not sure if it's been thought about or actually done. No toothpaste tubes can I be trusted with either. The small metal at the end can be removed and used as a cutting tool. The people here have seen it all, there aren't any fools.

Group, talking, taking medications all in an effort to succeed. No distractions, no phones, electronics have no place here. It's just a temporary silencing, an attempt to escape the outside world and fix what's wrong. Another try to turn everything around. I confess I did laugh when I saw all the elopement procedure signs. I thought, who tries to sneak out of here and join a fellow patient in marriage and elope? Don't worry I know what those signs mean now.

Three days done and suddenly they declare, no more inpatient for you. Your insurance has reached it's limit. Heading home to become an outpatient next week. Now my days run the same sort of drill. Driving, check in, talk, meds, safety check and then head back home to sleep. I've been deemed safe by an insurance table I've never seen. What if they are wrong and if keeping myself safe and sane I am unable? I only qualify for ten days of this.

That's the beauty of the American mental healthcare system. The only thing that matters is the bottom line. Money talks and they hope for the best. I'm not sure I should complain. At least I have some coverage, others can't say the same. Don't worry though, I've been doing this for awhile. I'm sure this time will be no different and I'll be fine. If they are wrong there is more than just money on the line. I'll keep advocating for a more sensible system to be put in place. For now it's about all that I can face.

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