Somewhere in the back of my mind lies an unpublished work called "Marriage's Made in Heaven Shouldn't Have Receptions from Hell" or "The Goof Proof Wedding Guide." It was meant to be a guide for couples planning their upcoming wedding reception and to assist in avoiding the most common pitfalls. I based the book's contents on my personal experiences from performing for over a dozen years as a wedding DJ and the stories that I collected from other professionals.
First Chapter: Little kids. Children at weddings are always a touchy subject. Banquet halls and party centers began imposing a no-guests under the sixteen rule due to the damage these bored youngsters caused, which saved the happy couple from making the decision on their own and incurring the wrath of their family and friends.
For some families, it will mean missing the reception as child sitters are hard to find and trust. Thankfully, many have an elderly aunt who has no interest in attending the festivities. Now a reminder. No matter how you dress them up, they are not little adults; they are kids with a kid's limited attention span and temperament. Little kids may enjoy meeting relatives that they have not seen before, but it gets old fast for them, as they have no memories or war stories to share.
Even the unlimited fountains of soda pop get old, and parents are constantly forced to monitor their children's intake of those caffeinated and sugar-laden beverages. So these bored little people will seek out others and invent their brand of fun that usually involves chasing one another. I was at one reception where an elderly female was toppled as Batman and Batgirl were in a hot foot pursuit of the Joker and Catwoman.
At another reception, I saw a wedding cake almost topple when Superman slammed into the table holding the cake as he was chasing Lex Luthor and company. The cake was repaired and placed in a walk-in cooler until cake-cutting time, and the elderly female was tougher than she looked. She stood up and brushed herself off, laughed at the incident, and continued to enjoy visiting with friends. The parents of these runners were forced to discipline their charges.
With their running put an end to, they find other means of entertainment. Sliding on the highly polished dance floor is a favorite. Now, believe it or not, it's the little girls who discover this first. They discover that their nylon and spandex tights make excellent sliding material.
They break into a slight run and then flop on their backsides, and their momentum will carry them a good distance. The tux pants or dress slacks on the boys are also an effective tool for distance sliding. Well, sure enough, at one reception, one of the sliders slammed into my DJ setup. The sudden jar caused a fuse or two to pop, and the music stopped.
The happy couple descended onto my setup with concerned looks. I pointed out the culprits to them, who were then taken by the hand to their parents amid high-pitched screaming proclaiming their innocence, while I dismantled my stack to find the fuse. The music was restored, and the reception continued, and so did the slide contest.
This time, I took the initiative and approached the sliders' parents. I explained that the setup could not survive another hit and would end the evening's music. The sliders were collared, and the threats of severe punishment were promised if they started sliding again. So, in conclusion, if possible, leave the kids at home.
Dry weddings are also not popular, no matter how good the bride and groom's intentions are. I performed at a few such wedding receptions that ended as soon as dinner was over. Now there was a champagne fountain, and each table had two carafes of wine, but no bar. The patrons ate dinner and polished off all the wine.
It was right after the Bridal Dance that I noticed that the guests were collecting their coats and leaving. I approached the Mother-of-the-Bride and inquired if I had done something wrong. The mother was a very elegant-looking woman of color who replied with a smile. "Child, you did nothing wrong. We are going somewhere to get a drink and have some fun. Why don't you join us?"
The dry wedding was the bride's idea, and it backfired. "I thought my family was mature enough to have a good time without the presence of alcohol," she informed me as she handed me their check. Now, I always had a drink or several while playing, and I told this to the bride long beforehand. She purchased a case of Coors Light, which I stashed behind my equipment.
Well, eventually someone spotted me drinking from my stash and begged a few cans, then confronted the bride. She stated that they were free to bring their own. Two ran to a local liquor store, and another ran home to raid his liquor cabinet.
Music selection can also be problematic. If there is an artist that you hate, that is what your guests will want to hear. Yes, it's your wedding reception and you should not be forced to listen to music that you dislike, but you had a roomfull of guests that wanted to dance to the music that you hated.
The wedding planner chapter would be the thickest. He or she is someone you hire to tell you how to have a good time. Their prices range from a weekend at a local theme park to a weekend in Vegas. The personalities of the females run the gamut from Mary Poppins to Desmonia, the diabolical dominatrix. For the men, it's from Mister Rodgers to Ozzy Osbourne.
I have had my share of run-ins with these so-called professionals. I had one get into my face because one of the songs on the dinner music tape was the song they chose for their bridal dance. I countered her argument, saying the guests are so busy eating, drinking, and talking that they are not paying attention to the music; it's just background fill.
In summation, you don't need them. Between the DJ and the photographer, they have enough knowledge to guide your wedding. I'll end this chapter and be back with part two.
