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Why Does Abuse Continue?

How do kids learn to be abusers?

Have you ever noticed that abusive families stay that way generation after generation? Why? Logically this should not be. After all in an abusive relationship there are two roles, Abuser, and Victim.

Obviously if an Abuser starts a new generation then the offspring will be forced to play Victim. But eventually a Victim should hook up with a Victim and the abuse should end. But it doesn't! Why? After much thought and observation, I have evolved the following personal theory.

Think of abuse as a scripted social interaction, albeit a destructive one. Being scripted, it is like a play in which the play's script is handed out to all participants, regardless of their role. Even the camera man and sound guy get one. In our case Abuser and Victim both receive the same script including stage directions. Why is this important?

Since each has the entire script, both know both roles and the actions in sequence. In other words the roles and the actions each is required to follow. There is a purpose. If either Victim or Abuser digresses from the script the counterpart gets a "free" cheap shot, with no retaliation, on the offender. The Abuser gets a free open shot, always a plus. But the real winner is the Victim since he gets a free abuser shot with no payback. In other words a real revenge to savor moment. The real purpose is to keep the roles stable and everyone in line.

When anyone leaves the family they take along their baggage which includes the script book. Thus when Victim hooks up with Victim both bring their scripts with them to the new relationship. So far no reason for the abuse play to continue.

Now consider how we are brain-wired. We prefer to be in a familiar and predictable life station whether or not it is safe or even happy. Any new and uncomfortably unpredictable life role will be rejected even if it is beneficial. The Victim wants to continue in a nice comfortable victim role subconsciously. This is a known fact which often leads to abused women not being able to pack up and leave until it is literally fatal.

So our example of Victim marries Victim creates a really awkward situation. This triggers a period of negotiation in which one Victim "promotes" to Abuser and the other Victim stays "safely" a Victim. The play scripts get compared and revised to create a new script but the same two roles are the only ones scripted in.

So how do we break this vicious cycle? It is not easy. Even in the crib toddlers are learning by watching and they learn that abuse is the norm. Or worse yet they get drawn in by one or both of the main players. By grade school it is too late the script is fully written and they have their own copy for life. They need even then to begin getting counseling and special training to un-script them or they will in turn pass it on to their progeny.

We also need to spread this word via parenting classes to every new parent, single or plural. We need to get our people committed to removing abuse in the family for good. Imagine the change in our world if all the destructive energy of the abuse game were put into creating solid, happy, constructive families who wanted the same peace and happiness for all people everywhere.

This is my personal theory. Two roles, many scripts, but a closed loop system of learned and repeated misery carried along for life. Abuse takes many forms and it is difficult to determine who is a Victim or an Abuser especially since most of the screen play is done behind closed doors. However from my experience and observation, some degree of abuse is present in at least eighty percent of all families here in the United States. Please mull this over and take action to bring an end to the anguish and suffering.
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Copyright © Copyright © 2016 by Vernon Fawcett

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Vern Fawcett
710 Charter Place
Charlotte NC. 28211

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