I have had a lot of time to think. And I think about how I gave myself a scare, in a way. I alerted myself to reality. Even though at times it might have seemed like I was slowly dying, I think I was just making my way forwards. That's all we really do, I think. We just make our way forwards. And then we get where we want to be and we look back and we wonder how we got from here to there. Because sometimes the path is so hard to see. We get distracted. We get blinded. We forget from whence we came and to where we're going.
We might forget this on the path. But in life, there is no going backwards. We can only move forwards. I don't know what my path looks like yet. Some older people on this site might look back and they might see their path stretching out behind them, so far they cannot see the beginning. And to them their road signs might point to marriage and life and the mysteries of death or danger or sorrow. For me my path is short yet. And my road sign is the only one on there. I think it says "Caution." Because when I was sad, I didn't take caution. Even though I thought about suicide. There, I said it. I know some people reading this are going to feel uncomfortable. That's okay, if you click away now. I won't be offended.
But I wanted to talk about my path and my journey. And I can't give any insight into yours because I don't know where mine is leading me yet. That's okay though. I can figure it out on the way.
I thought I could talk a little bit more about the "Caution" sign. It was a huge deal for me. I wanted to make something clear. However dark my poems were, I never actively tried to commit suicide. I just wanted to clear that, put it out there. My poems were a way of escape. They might not have been very good. But they were a way for me to express myself without starting alcohol or drugs or whatever else people do to escape the pain. I also created a friend base on the Internet. I didn't know their names, they knew only my simplest one that I went by on a lot of forums "Isabelle." Because "Isabelle," she is so much better than Kayla. Well, she was. I always didn't like things about myself. I didn't like my hair. But Isabelle had perfect hair. I created Isabelle even as she created me.
After I gave myself (and maybe you, or my friends, family) a scare, I asked myself where I was going. What was I going to do?
Let me pause here again. I keep saying "Scare." You don't know what that means. I want to repeat I never tried to commit suicide. Scare was the feeling of oppression and being trapped. My scare was that one day I felt so alone and trapped I lay down on the kitchen floor and I couldn't get up. When I snapped out of it I asked myself what I was doing. Where I was going. And I decided I wanted to go somewhere better than here. I wanted to go to a place where I could feel better about myself than where I was then. That's why my visits became infrequent. Here, it reminded me of Isabelle and her snarky comments and I thought to myself that I was Isabelle. I was also Kayla. But foremost I was who I wanted to be and I'm not perfect, God no. But I was perfect enough for me.
I keep returning to this metaphor of a broken, winding road because that aptly can describe you or me or anybody. For every milestone in your life there is a bend. You can't always see around the bend because looking back isn't right. If you get married, there's a bend. And maybe you look back and see yourself single and happy and you're thinking why did I ever get married. And that's wrong. That's why there's a bend so you can't look back and you can't imagine life without your partner or whatever. And I looked back a lot. But I kept moving forward. And when stuff goes wrong, maybe your road shifts so you climb a mountain but the descent on the other side is so, so sweet.
And to the people who have said to me "Get over yourself, I was raped at 14 and had a child," or "What are you complaining about. I had an abusive dad and boyfriend" or whatever they say, I say to that you're right. And I can't tell you why I felt so trapped when I was so free. But it is one of life's mysteries. And God I'm sorry to those of you who were hurt like that, but we all hurt in different ways. And one day I'll look back down my road and maybe I'll laugh. Because it will be funny to see myself as I am now. I'm writing this musing or thoughts or whatever because it helps me sort myself out, you know? It helps me be who I want to be. And I want to thank all of you because you are all such kind caring people. As my P.E. teacher once said "Flattery will get you everywhere." But really. You deserve all the flattery. And I'm here now. And I thank you for everything you have done for me because I couldn't have done it without you guys.
I want to return one last time to the metaphor (yes, I see you groaning).
The road is our path to success. We reach the end of it at some point. Then we walk down it again. Our lives are a pathway; we follow the road already laid out sometimes, and we blaze our own trail in others. And God, the view is beautiful from up here.