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Battered to Death

Be careful who you invite for Dinner



As I walked towards the precisely laid dining table, I encountered a young lady suffering from two painful boils that had arisen upon her buttocks……..

She smiled and served the dinner.

Later I noted the two enormous melons she was carrying, wondering if these were real, with an act of pretence I slipped with my fork and stabbed one of her huge juicy fruits…they stayed in shape.

Her Mother seemed unconcerned, occasionally peering over her huge mounds of dinner to snigger unexplainably at the other guests.

I carefully carved my Yorkshire Pudding into quarters wondering….Could this be the Murder Weapon?

Was Mrs Aubergine clubbed to death with a pudding?

As I stared intently at the misshapen batter ball hanging precariously on my fork I noticed a slight smudge of blood and four curly hairs.

Sliding my tweezers from my Swiss Army Knife, I hastily removed the said items and slid them carefully into my sterilised marmalade jar.

After dinner I slipped unnoticed out through the back door.

After having the clues forensically tested, the blood stain as expected, turned out to be Raspberry Sherbet and the curly hair was in fact nasal hair…..I was now seeking a serious addict, obviously desperate for his next line of Sherbet!!

Slamming the door of my Robin Reliant I made tracks towards the dimly lit slum areas of town, where I would knowingly find Lucky Bag sniffers, Marshmallow Pimps and Acid Drop Parties.

My first call was to an old hooker whose reputation spread to Chocolate Bunnies with Jelly Baby chasers; I knew she was ruthless but would come across for a Curly Wurly.

I delved into my pocket and pulled out a Mechano Set, then hastily made a Colt 45 complete with ivory handle and notches.

“You must know something?” I whispered into her shell-like, pointing my Colt 45 at a roll of Jeyes toilet paper sitting decoratively on the mantelpiece.

“Not the toilet roll” she screamed, “It’s been part of our family for two generations”.

“What do you know about Mrs Aubergine” I said forcefully, “And a sherbet addict wielding a Yorkshire Pudding?”

She staggered backwards.

“This’ll cost yer gov!” she screeched.

I pulled out my Curly Wurly….She staggered backwards.

“I’ve never seen one that big gov, please give me the Curly Wurly and I’ll come clean”.

Hesitantly she put forward two names….Ivor Nosehair a renowned criminal in underworld circles, the other a fiendishly wicked man by the name of Gerry Cann, an extremely smelly, unkempt lavatory attendant….She gave no further answers to my forcefully delivered questions, but I had a starting point.

I slid my Curly Wurly into her carefully manicured hands, and then slid up the back passage.

Upon arrival at my next destination, I spotted a small squat fellow with protruding nasal hair wound into plaits with small multi-coloured ribbons hanging from each.

Seeing me he threw himself spread-eagled against the wall.

“You got me banged to rights gov”…he spat incoherently,

“Ivor Nosehair are you admitting to the Pudding Battery of Mrs Aubergine?”

“Oh no gov, I just thought you wanted a good sniff around my Sherbet Lemons, It’s Gerry Cann you should be looking for!”

As I approached my Robin Reliant I came across a known addict mainlining Liquorish Allsorts, I grabbed his Sugar Plums and wrestled him to the ground.

“Where’s Gerry Cann?” I demanded.

“Not ere me old treacle” he groaned, “He was last seen with Hazel Nut, be careful she’s a bit crackers!”

Nearing Hazels front entrance, I again quickly drew my Mechano set from my pocket, this time constructing a Multi-fire Grenade Launcher.

I fired two quick blasts through the front door.

Out of the smoke emerged a tall lean man known as Cinnamon Stick.

I withdrew my Curly Wurly from its holster and let off three rounds….He fell to the floor splattered with chocolate.

I carefully stepped over the body knowing either Hazel Nut or Gerry Cann were in close proximity.

I felt a presence behind me and spun round……It was Gerry Cann, he was wielding a huge Yorkshire Pudding attached to a Mint Matchmaker;

I ducked and grabbed his Hula-Hoops….He screamed as they went Crunch!

“Did you do it Gerry?” I blurted

“Couldn’t help it Gov, couldn’t help it!.....I was only in it for The Gravy, as you can see I’ve not got a lot of meat on me and my Asparagus Tip’s a bit on the soft side; Mrs Aubergine, she was blackmailing me; I had some juicy pictures of plump sausages and Yorkshire puds…She was going to expose me Gov!”

In the distance I could hear the click-clacking of stilettos on ashfelt, I looked cautiously upwards, it was Hazel Nut; she was garbed in a black silky number, her blonde hair blowing gently in the breeze.

“Hazel” I whispered cautiously not knowing what she would make of this; she tilted her head slowly sideways pursing her voluptuous lips, she murmured “How’s my Gerry Cann?”

Hesitantly I replied “I don’t think he’ll be beating anymore batter for a few years”.

She softly clasped my hand and gently whispered “Come on Dick lets go its New Year’s Eve in a few days!”

I strolled arm in arm with Hazel, seriously expecting Spotted Dick at a later date.

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Copyright © Copyright: David Pendragon..Davids Wondrous Stories

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